(Closed) How do you feel about outing the cheater?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you tell her?
    Yes! Absolutely! : (10 votes)
    15 %
    I'm not really sure. : (19 votes)
    29 %
    Nope, none of my business. : (35 votes)
    53 %
    Other...explain : (2 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    6597 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I feel like in this situation it is not your place to tell because she may already know and you mentioning it may just devastate her that the whole world knows.

    If the girl who was being cheated on was a close friend of mine I would definitely tell!

    Post # 4
    Member
    2385 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Honestly, if I were in that situation, I wouldn’t tell her. If SHE was the one that you were very close to and you had indisputable evidence that he cheated on her, then yes, I would say something, but because you’re not very close…I would honestly probably stay out of it to avoid the drama. 

    Basically, if you’re willing to deal with the inevitable HUMONGOUS amount of drama that will result (ie people getting mad at your, losing friends, etc) then, do it. If it’s not something you want to deal with, then let things be. If he treats her as poorly as you indicate, it’ll all come out in the end anyhow. 

    Post # 5
    Hostess
    16215 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I believe that she deserves to know. But I’m torn because I think only certain people are in a position to tell her. Because you don’t know her that well, I’m not sure you’re in that position.

    But you’re right — if it were me, I’d really want someone to tell me (and have proof).

    Post # 6
    Member
    2512 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    If she was my friend, yes I would tell her. But if you and her aren’t friends then no, not your place. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    3943 posts
    Honey bee

    No, its not your place to tell her. And for all you know, she could already know…

    Post # 8
    Member
    1278 posts
    Bumble bee

    “It isn’t your mistake to make!”  I’ve got a similar-ish situation in my life right now, and those are the words of wisdom to me from my SO.  

    But I agree with the PPs, if it were me, I would want someone to tell me.  This is a sticky one and I think it depends a lot on the type of relationship you have with your friend.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I will only get involved if it’s a close friend of mine. I would want my close circle of friends to tell me if they knew (and had proof, not suspicion) that my SO/FI/DH/whatever was cheating.

    That said, I know of lots of relationships around me in questionable situations and because I’m not friends and therefore not responsible to the person being cheated on, I just can’t bring myself to uproot their world. And I think they’re less likely to believe me if they know I have no stake in their outcome anyway.

    ETA: In your case, it sounds like you’re friends with the cheater, not the victim, in which case I wouldn’t tell either. I would refuse to socialize with him in context of the other women (i.e. I wouldn’t go out with them to a bar while I knew he was cheating, etc, because that’s essentially saying I’m good with it), but I probably wouldn’t sell him out either.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4887 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Nope. Not your place at all to tell.  What good would it do?  What’s the point in getting involved?

    Post # 11
    Member
    6021 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    i usually am the type to just stay out of it but at the same time i have been the girl that was cheated on and no one said a word, close friends and acquaintances alike. I found a way around it though lol the last time iw as in this difficult position I got ahold of her email address. I typed out an anonymous email and sent it off. Probably not my finest moment. However, the guy who was doign the cheating was actually going around bragging about being able to get away with things because of how his gf was so laid back and never asked questions. So I snapped one day and that email was the result. she broke up with him and sent an email back to the anonymous address i had created saying thank you and that she had avoided any further humiliation due to being informed. She gathered her own proof though too before confronting him. I would say this is the exception though and not the norm. I was very lucky it turned out the way that it did or I could have really ended up in a yucky situation. For the record, I wouldnt ever do that again and wouldnt recommend it since there are so many ways it could go wrong. So to play it safe, stay out of it and just hope that karma works its magic and that things take care of themselves.

    Post # 12
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I was in this situation and I didn’t say a word. For all I knew, she already knew about it and like a PP said finding out everyone else knew might be devestating. Telling her would not have done any good, because either her Darling Husband regretted doing it and actually did her a favor by keeping it a secret OR he would keep doing it and she will eventually find out on her own. So by telling her you’re forcing her to face the fact that everyone knows and is judging her on top of the fact that she has something really serious in her relationship to deal with that might have not ever been an issue.

    That said, if she had been my close friend I would have told her. I would have made it clear that I’m not judging him or the situation at all so whatever she chooses to do I am 100% behind her.

    Post # 13
    Member
    573 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    At the risk of sounding like a bad person I have kind of been in this position. Most of my best friends are guys, when they are dating someone I am friendly and talk to the girls at get togethers but it’s not like we hang out when the friend isn’t around. I know things about their relationship because the guy will tell me, sometimes it’s cheating, sometimes he isn’t as in to her as he seems…whatever it is I never ever say anything to her. I may say something to my friend about not being an ass but it is not my place to get involved and tell her. If the girl was my friend then I would say something.Long story short: I always side with the one I am closer with.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1415 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    If I were her, I would want to know, but if I were in your shoes, I’d stay out of it. Just drama you don’t need in your life. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2893 posts
    Sugar bee

    I would want someone to tell me. Marriage is expensive and so is divorce and I’d rather know before it’s too late. Even if I already knew when someone came to me, I would still want them to because if I’m continuing to date the guy even after he cheated on multiple occassions I need a best friend at that point more than ever to give me the cold hard truth, show they care, and make sure I’m ok – mentally and emotionally. I wouldn’t want to know that EVERYONE knew. But I would like to here that my best friend knew and cared enough to be there for me no matter what my final decision was.

    If it happened to my best friend I’d rather lose the friendship trying than let her “permanently” enter into an unhealthy relationship that she could potentially be blind to. I wouldn’t force her hand. But I’d make sure she knew and would make sure she was ok and that she knew I was there for her.

    Now, if I wasn’t the closest of friends with them…eh, I think I’d stay out of it.

    Post # 16
    Member
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

     have a few good sources of evidence, but uh HELLO, news gets around at school

    unless you have undeniable proof i wouldnt say anything – rumor and gossip wont cut it and dont depend on people that have told you about the cheating to support you. its one thing to gossip, its another to be called out on it

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