(Closed) How do you feel about women taking their husband's last name? Having conflict

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
949 posts
Busy bee

live2lov3:  I don’t think you’re being unreasonable! I had a really hard time even thinking about just giving up my own surname. In the end I hyphenated mine with his as a compromise, and because I felt that even though it made my (already long) name longer, it was worth it to be able to have a name that reflects both of our nationalities.

I have a colleague who was born in Iran, and is married to an Iranian-born man, and they don’t have the same last name. IIRC, she once said that it’s more common for a woman to keep her own surname when she marries than not. In that sense, you could say that one of the reasons why you wouldn’t like to change your name is because the cultural precedence just isn’t there in part of your heritage. And from what I know about the name customs of various Spanish speaking people, changing your name when you marry isn’t always a given either (of course that depends on several other factors too).

Post # 47
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

To answer the question of the title of your thread: I don’t care what other women do. What they do is their business.

for you: do what works for you. Are you even engaged yet? It seems like a lot to be thinking about so far ahead. Maybe I’m wrong bc I really didn’t care. My husband wanted us to share his last name so I changed it. No big deal.

Post # 48
7122 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it’s as simple as….take it if you want to, or keep yours if you want to.

People have ALL sorts of reasons for changing or keeping their name. It’s a personal deciison so it should be the one that works for you. It’s like like you have to do it ASAP. It took me like 8 months to change mine simply from the hassle of it all and I was just busy. 

I chaged my name because I always knew I was going to when I got married. It’s a tradition I really like, and to me, is the thing that helps unify our family. I was proud to be Ms. MaidenName and I’m just as proud to be Mrs. MarriedName. Professionally I’m still known by my maiden name because I started my business under that name before we were married.

Post # 49
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

live2lov3: It’s not what women do that upsets me, it’s how they are conditioned and or pressured that bothers me. Do what is best for you. Make sure that he considers every option that you are being asked to consider. Maybe he can move his last name to a second middle name (or drop his middle name completely) and tack yours on the end…(and if that sounds a bit silly and token, critically evaluate why that is the “solution” everyone seems to suggest in these threads *sigh*).

Post # 50
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your heritage is a very important part of your identity. I get that. It’s kind of weird as someone who is Hispanic that he is stuck on you changing your name, but people everywhere have feelings.

What about not hyphenation, but changing both your names to a new name? Something that is between the two names reflecting both? For example if his last name was De Soto and yours was Alizadeh, you could change to De Zadeh.

personally, although I love my family – my last name is super duper long and hard to deal with. I am SOOO looking forward to changing it!

Post # 51
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My current last name has no significance to me. My mom was married, but separated, when I was conceived so I have her ex-husband’s last name, not my dad’s. With that said, I am adopting my FI’s last name. 

Post # 52
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Do what you want!

A friend of mine Had 5 names growing up. First middle middle middle last. five. When she got married, she hyphenated! now she’s got 6 names, and we mock her relentlessly, but she loves it.

I’m in the “take his last name” camp because I personally feel like, when you play on a team, you wear the same name on your jersey (corny I know, but that’s how I feel)

that said, if you don’t want to do it, dont. But maybe keep in mind that you won’t necesarily have the same last name as your kids? It’s not a decision you have to make even right after you get married, you can change at any time. If you’re serious about being together, make sure he knows you may not change and then feel it out. maybe after a year of marriage you’ll decide you want to do it (or not)

Post # 53
136 posts
Blushing bee

I have similar concerns as you, but my partner reacted completely differently. He wouldn’t mind if I kept my name. He says he likes it.

My partner’s name is a white sounding last name and I have a Spanish language one. I really want to keep it. My culture is very important to me and if I was to change it, I’d be losing a little bit of that. We will have more of a battle with our kids. He would like them to have his last name. We will fight that battle when it’s time. He may come around all on his own later. If not, you would have had time to figure out your argument later, too.

In this situation, I would say to stand your ground, but don’t fight about it until you have to. He may not know why he wants you to have his name, probably because he just thought that’s how it’s supposed to be. You’ve let it be known that his idea may not be yours. I’d leave it at that for now.

Post # 54
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think if having the same last name as a family unit is important to him, he should go through the exercise of considering the possibility of him changing his last name to yours. He will either decide he is fine with that idea, in which case you both get what you want, or realize that he is similarly attached to his name and how it relates to his identity as you are and better understand where you are coming from. 

I always knew I would keep my Korean last name, even though the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name did appeal to me. Some years ago, when I became a U.S. citizen, I decided to keep my Korean first name despite all the trouble I have had with it through the years. That was a much harder decision for me as I struggled to figure out my cultural identity. Korean first and last names kind of flow together as a whole and it didn’t make sense for me to have made the decision to keep my first name only to trade my last name for something else. Darling Husband and I had a very brief talk about it – I think he pretty much assumed that’s what I would want and we just confirmed it. 

It may just have been a gut reaction for your Boyfriend or Best Friend and he may be more open to the idea once he has had a chance to hear your reasoning behind it and actually take the time to think about it. Good luck. 

Post # 55
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In response to the question in your subject, I don’t think anything of them. It’s a personal choice. I just usually ask them before they get married if they’re gonna be okay being referred to as Mrs HerFirst HisLast because it’s going to happen and I’ve seen some meltdowns on here about it before. That’s usually when they stop to really think about that too.

Post # 56
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

As we are in modern times why don’t you both change your names so its double barreled. X plus from my friends perspective she had a different name from her kids and husband so people had to question if she was their mum or his wife. She has since changed it to match the rest of her little family


Post # 57
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

As we are in modern times why don’t you both change your names so its double barreled. X plus from my friends perspective she had a different name from her kids and husband so people had to question if she was their mum or his wife. She has since changed it to match the rest of her little family live2lov3:  

Post # 58
28 posts


I feel like it shouldnt be such a dealbreaker. it’s a thing you can compromise on. because just like you want people to know who you are, your boyfriend wants his wife to have the same last name. that’s the way he imagined the family. he has the right to feel this way. so just think why you indentify yourself with it, why do you need this identification, and if you feel complete not depending on names, because you are complete as a person even if you change the last name… 

Post # 59
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

The same thing happened to me kind of. When me and my Fiance started talking about marriage I told him I wouldn’t change my last name. He was really disappointed, sad, upset because he always thought his wife would change her name. And I always knew I wouldn’t. He’s now totally into the idea of me keeping my name. Sometimes it takes time to work through our feelings about stuff like this. I would just give him time. If you really don’t want to change your name, he’ll come to respect that. Good luck!

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