Post # 1
So Bees I really could do with some impartial advice here, here is the back story (short version!!).
Over Christmas last year I had invited my mother over to stay for a month (she lives in another country) and my first cousin also decided to come for a few days as she had recently broken up with her bf and did not want to be home! anyways.. both my cousin and mother acted terribly over a number of things and being very disrespectful to both myself and my Fiance. One night my cousin (who had clearly drank way too much) attacked me with all kinds of nasty things for no reason..(I won’t bore you with the details it would mean I would be writing a novel!). Anyway this lead to a family argument as she even called my brother and his children to further her claims! My brother did not take sides on this issue but his children did.. my niece sent me a terribly abusive email and my nephew posted to the world on FB all manner of inappropriate and un true things…
At the time this all left me very hurt and upset, as I always have gone out of my way to only give the best for all of my family (as an example only..I paid for my mothers entire trip for the month and paid for my cousin’s apartment over here so she could have her own place as we only have the 2 bedrooms, on top of paying for everyone to go to Disney for 3 days..and no I am not just about money – far from it as emotionally I have supported all my family through all of their problems over the years)
So here is my struggle – I ceased communications with my brothers children over this as I never received any apology from either one of them for what they said about me.. I have forgiven them for it BUT it is causing a further family feud because I chose to not invite them to my wedding (or to invite my niece to be a Bridesmaid as I have my other niece). I feel like IF I invite them then I am teaching them that it is ‘ok’ to treat me this way and that they can do it again in the future.. but then if I have forgiven them then surely I would not feel this way..right?
I’m just not sure how to handle this situation anymore and it is starting to eat away at me
Post # 3
Personally I would stick to my guns, but that’s me. I am sure you will get advice to invite them to keep peace in the family. It’s YOUR wedding and you can invite or not invite anyone you want!
Post # 4
I have family drama as well. It was tough but I chose to invite my family. I could careless if they attended or not but it was something that I knew I would regret not extending the invite to them. This is entirely up to you, though.
Post # 5
@KT808: I know I have been sticking to my guns and fully intended to I think as I don’t want to teach anyone that they can treat people badly and get away with doing it again – BUT I think in part I am struggling with this whole thing as my brother will be there and he has a terminal illness and I feel so sorry for him on one hand that his children will not be there BUT on the other I am annoyed with him for not speaking to them about how they treated me! he says they are adults and can make their own decisions.
mnp Sorry your having a family drama too – it seems weddings bring them out!
Post # 6
I understand what you are saying. It all depends on what you want. I am all for the discipline so if it is that you do want to keep the peace and have all your family attend then maybe have a mini family meeting with you and your Fiance and your neice and nephew and their parents explaining that their behavior was inappropriate, you have forgiven them and that you would like it clear that their behavior is unacceptable in future and at that point offer them the wedding invitation or invitation to bridal party or whatever you decide hug it out and hopefully move on from this.
That is my suggestion so that at least you have the opportunity to extend the olive branch and make peace, and if the family meeting doesnt go as peaceful as planned and there is a bad outcome, then you at least know that you have done your part and can in good conscience choose to exclude them from the ceremony without the guilt of what if…
Good luck, hope it works out.
Post # 7
I don’t know if this helps or not, but one of the things I finally figured out through therapy was that just because someone is family, they don’t get a pass to treat you like crap. I’ve heard people say, “But their FAMILY.” I’m sorry, but no one has the right to treat me like crap just because we happen to share DNA. Certain members of your family treated you extremely poorly. We wouldn’t accept treatment like this from a stranger on the street, so why would you accept it from a family member.
I’m all for extending the olive branch, but more in a “these are my boundries if you want to be in my life” kind of way. I agree that you cannot let this neice and nephew feel like their behavior was appropriate. There are so many people now-a-days who feel like they can act however they want without consequence (and I see this from younger people a lot – I work everyday with late teens/people in their early 20s). They may never realize how inappropriate their behavior was for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to it.
For example, I love my sister, but she is quite a toxic person. I haven’t completely cut her out of my life, but I’ve put a lot of distance between us and I’m happier than I was when I let her emotionally and verbally chastise me. Do what you need to do.
Post # 8
@Happy Hopeful Bee: Thank you for this idea, although as we are 3500 miles away from each other it is not so easy to accomodate. I have already spoken to their parents about this and my mother who all wish to see it that it was ‘ok’ for them to act this way!! This in itself stuns me as we were brought up to respect our elders.. which they did not and continue not to. But your idea is something to consider.
karatechick27 Yes thank you it does help to hear that as it is something that I also have said and advocated…I’m not sure why I seem to be ‘faltering’ at this point or feeling that I should ‘back down’ and invite them!