Post # 1
…the man you left was/is wonderful?
My fiance and I recently ended our engagement. Though I love him very much, I’m just not IN love with him. We ended up being best best friends. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, just not from a romantic stand point.
Though I know I’m making the right decision, it still feels wrong, mainly because he’s so good to me. Yes, we had our problems like all couples do, but overall, the good outewighed the bad by FAR. It’s just hard. I feel like, if he’s not the one, then who is? If I didn’t fall in love with someone who is so damn good to me, then who the hell will I fall in love with? Am I destined to fawn over assholes and let go of the really good ones?
If you’ve been in this type of situation, please share your advice. And PLEASE NO “try counseling” or “this can be fixed” because it really can’t in our particular situation. I would just like to hear of those that were in the same boat and how they overcame the pain.
Post # 3
I was with a guy who was wonderful to me, did everything I could have asked/wanted but I wasn’t in love with him. I tried really hard to be but it didn’t happen. It went on like that for 3 years. We were never friends before we dated but I realized we would have been soo much better as friends than Bf/Gf. Well eventually I ended up cheating on him in high school with my now Fiance. My Fiance may not be the romantic/sweet guy that my old bf was, but I am sooo much more in love with him. I love still wanting to impress my Fiance and it makes his sweetness even better since he’s not always like that 24/7. There will be someone you absolutely fall in love with. Just be patient and never settle. I wish you the best of luck!
Post # 4
@saddestbee: I know you said he’s your best friend. But for the time being at least, maybe some distance would do you some good. Remind yourself daily why you two aren’t meant to be. Think about what you really WANT in a relationship. Get out there and start dating. You’ll get through this, hang in there!
Post # 5
@saddestbee: Honestly, I think you just have to ignore that he was a great guy, and know that just because he was great, doesn’t mean he’s the one. He’s also not the only great nice guy out there. I remember dating one guy for a few months after a bad long term relationship ended. He was absolutely perfect on paper, and a total gentlemen, but I had no romantic feelings for him at all. I tried so hard, because I felt like you, that he was so nice and what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn’t be happy with the nice guy. The truth is just that he wasn’t it for me, and it sounds like you’re in the same boat. Just because this didn’t work doesn’t mean your destined to be with an a$$!
Post # 6
@MrsJX3: I wish we could, but we live together, with 9 more months left on the lease. We can’t afford to break it and neither can move out right now. I’m moving into our guest bedroom but that’s about as much space as we can get due to the cirumstances. And I do wish I could date, seeing as I’ve been emotionally checked out for a LONG time and we haven’t been physical in about a year. But I just can’t bear to do that to him while we still live together and since I’ve already crushed him with this break up…
Post # 7
You’re saying your still best friends? You’re never going to get over it if you still have a lot of communication with him. Move on from him as a partner AND as a friend, then you’ll have the space.
Post # 8
@saddestbee: Maybe seeing you move on and get out there will set him free so he can move on. It will hurt him at first but it will hurt a lot less than keeping hope alive for these next 9 months. Also, you can try dating, just not bringing anyone back to your apartment. You don’t have to get into a serious relationship, just go out and meet people. He needs to do the same, he probably just doesn’t realize that yet.
Post # 9
When I split up with my ex I had exactly the same feeling. I even tried it again with him! We were together 6 years and he is such a lovely guy andi had and still have so much love for him. But it wasn’t right. I am now a year into a new relationship and I just knew from the beginning it was right. Like exactly what I had always wanted.
It will happen. I remember thinking I’d never get what I wanted, but I wasn’t prepared to settle for something that was good but not good enough. You have made the right decision.
Post # 10
I’ve dated some people that were very nice and I’m sure would make great husbands but I just didn’t have the feelings or attraction to them. It happens. I actually used to think (right before I met FI) that maybe I should just get into a relationship with them because they were nice, and I couldn’t really figure out what was wrong with me for not being attracted to them (I dated a lot of assholes in the past too!). But nothing was wrong with me. I met my fiance shortly after that and it suddenly made sense why no one else ever worked!
Just keep on living your life and dating and meeting new people. Get some space from your ex. Just don’t settle! When it’s right…you’ll know.
Post # 11
@saddestbee: I don’t have experience specifcally to what your situation is, but perhaps you should take some time to do some soul searching now that you’ve ended things with him to figure out what you need/want in a relationship. Only you can answer the questions you rhetorically asked, unfortunately. I agree with other posters that ceasing contact with him is best, at least for a while, that way you both can move on. He is surely heartbroken too, so keeping contact with you may give him false hope that you both will get back together down the line.
I know you said no counseling, but maybe some counseling for yourself alone about the questions you have for yourself would be really helpful as you sort things out and get better in touch with what you are looking for. Be good to yourself and take care of you. You did a brave thing and a very good thing. It is better that you ended it now and now years into a marriage you were not satisfied with.
Post # 12
Ugh…I am going through this right now…engaged, moving into just purchased condo together…I am starting to detest being around him and he can tell, but I’m so damn scared. I want him to be happy, it wont be with me, but we just bought this goddamn place and my car is in his name so I’ll be homeless and he’ll be heartbroken. I feel so awful about it all.
Post # 13
@saddestbee: Perhaps you’re not “in love” with him because you are picking up on his pheromones and he’s somehow very closely related to you! Imagine if he’s actually a first cousin through some sort of family secret, or even a sibling! I think that should help you get over it 🙂
Post # 14
@saddestbee: I was in your exact situation except we weren’t engaged yet, although we had been dating for 5 years.
We had recently moved into an apartment together, 3 months prior to the break-up. I had accepted a new job in that city in anticipation of the move. Finally one night, he plain out asked what’s going on with me….and i told him the truth: that I felt like we were just friends. We talked, cried, and decided it was best to break up. He was so kind, understanding and amazing (as usual), so it made me even more sad. A few days later he helped me pack up my things, and I moved back home with my parents over an hour away.
The next 3 months involved some of the worst feelings of my life. I was heartbroken, felt like an awful person, lonely, and embarrassed to have moved back home at 25.
Then, when I was in the point I was totally against dating, I met my current Darling Husband. We slowly started dating and the rest is history. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I never imagined I could be so in love and happy with a partner. We are also expecting our first baby, and thrilled for that next journey together.
Hang in there. It WILL take time, but you WILL heal. Let yourself feel the emotions and it is OK to be sad and depressed for awhile. But don’t let it take over you. Eventually you will get back to a happy place and down the road be grateful you were honest with yourself and him.
Post # 15
I left a man that I would have otherwise considered to be the love of my life. He was wonderful to me, and I loved him dearly. He’s always wanted a large family, suburbs, picket fence, etc. I can’t stand children and I will never have them. There’s no compromise there. I cried over him more than I’ve ever cried for anyone in my life. I had to just cut ties and move on, because it was too painful to talk to him or see him. Every time I saw him, I hated myself just a little bit because I couldn’t be who he needed. And I hated him a little bit for not being who I needed.
You don’t need to date, but go out with your friends and have fun. Pretend that he’s just some random housemate – be polite when you see each other in passing, but no more. And don’t worry about the future, when you’re ready, you’ll find the right person for you.