(Closed) How do you get over someone?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@AnonHoney:  Hmm, because you two were best friend and (it sounds like?) roommates, this is a pretty big one.  Not jsut some friend that you grew away from.

I think you have two options:

1) Just give it time and space and allow yourself to move on.

2) Ask her to get together so that you can tell her how much she hurt you and ask her what happened.  Not to try to heal the relationship, but to get closure so you can move on.  

I’d usually go for option #1, but in this case option #2 might work better for you.  This is an unsual situation.

I’ve seen friendships torn apart by marriages.  J & M had been very close friends since highschool.  M started dating a new guy. J didn’t approve of him and told her so.  J did NOT get a long with M’s new SO.  M kept dating the guy and eventually married him.  J felt like M had chosen him over her, and they could no longer be friends.  She was not invited to the wedding.

Years later, they are no longer friends.  I think it’s legit that if you can’t get along with someone’s SO and don’t support their marriage, you can’t be friends.  At some point, you have to choose to lose on relationship for the health of the other.


Post # 4
9682 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@AnonHoney:  My best advice is to stay busy! I lost a friend over my engagement too and it sucked. It was years ago now and time has faded it. I hardly think about her anymore. Being busy will keep your mind off it. 

Post # 5
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Hey, there. I went through something similar about a year ago (I had a long-thread dedicated to the coup de grace of that friendship).

It sounds like your friendship may have had similar veins running through it — a buddy who is great to you when you’re feeling down, but is quick to feel threatened when the tides are turning in your favor. Did she show such jealousy outside of your relationship too (i.e., when you get promotions, interviews at certain places)?

Honestly, I think that time is the greatest healer. I was the one who broke off contact with him, and the first 6 months were exceedingly difficult. I thought about him every day. I’m thankful that he DID contact me twice in the entire year we have barely-talked (with the exception of him coming to my wedding 10 months ago). Because…he contacted me a.) right before his birthday and b.) the day of his partner’s birthday. He knew that every year before that, I always took him out and made a big deal out of their birthdays. Not last year!

It reinforced everything I knew about him: i.e., that he was a very selfish, entitled and jealous person.

I can say that in the last year, I think about him less. I worked through that grief and went through all of those emotions. I understood his limitations as a person. I can recall the happy times we had (there were many), but am grateful that he’ll never be part of my life again.

One of the hardest things about hitting your mid or late 20s is the increasing difference between your life and the lives of your friends. In junior high, high school and college, you’re more or less swimming in the same boat: working similar jobs, having similar friends, similar classes, often doing similarly in school.

Then someone gets an internship. Then someone meets a guy. Then someone is first in the group to get married. It becomes a breeding ground for competition and jealousy. Some people accept these feelings as their own issues to work past, and accept that everyone has different lives. Others, like your pal, turn into green-eyed, passive aggressive monsters.

I started getting more into my own life to get over him. Building up more hobbies, spending more time with my family. I thought about all of the PERKS in not being friends with him anymore. I looked at my own behavior in the situation…and realized that it wasn’t just about my wedding or my engagement. He had issues with comparisons, insecurity and jealousy all along, and had no problem being perpetually passive-aggressive. Once my own conscience was cleared, I felt at peace believing that his issues were his…they just happened to be directed at me at the time.

It will get better with time.

Post # 6
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@AnonHoney: I have been dealing with shitty feelings about an ex-friend recently. Totally thought I was over being mad at her and then I saw her and wanted to punch her stupid face. I heard a radio interview about “changing the story”. Basically, they were suggesting that if there’s something bugging you that you can’t do anything about, you should just imagine the ending you’d prefer and pretend that’s how it ended. I thought it sounded crazy.

But then I realized what I’m most angry about is that this ex-friend did the bitchiest of bitchy things and never apologized because she doesn’t think she was wrong. I hate her stupid face because I want her to KNOW that she’s a bitch. So… I imagined that the last time I saw her (and wanted to punch her in the face), she pulled me aside to apologize, admitting everything she did wrong and I replied saying she didn’t need to apologize because her being a humongous bitch on wheels helped me break away from her toxic “friendship” and I’m happier for it. Then imaginary me walked away happy and imaginary her sat on the ground and cried because she realized she’s a fucking horrible person. 

BAM! I felt better. Now every time I think of her I remember that she knows what she did and apologized and I told her off. YAY! It’s probably a little psychotic, but it’s helped me stop being so fucking mad at her all the time. We’ll see how it works when I see her again this summer. 

Post # 7
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I have grieved many friends and it has permanently scarred me. I met my group of gals in middle school and instantly we were all sisters. There were 4 of us just so close we couldn’t stay out of each others lives. We all had our first little high school relationships together and all of this other drama that you go through in those times. We all started to party too much and do some pretty bad stuff and then I met my Fiance.

He was older and was NOT into the stuff we were doing. I quickly fell in love with him and wanted better for my life. I stopped partying with them and my friends FLIPPED out! They tormented me and keyed my car, painted it black and scratched hateful words into the windows of the paint, hacked my accounts and destroyed my things. These girls I loved and had history with treated me like crap because I wanted better for myself.

I quickly dumped ALL of my friends at once and it was tough as hell. But honestly don’t fret them too long. These “friends” are self absorbed and heavily jelous of your happiness. I am picky about friendships now and could care less to even put effort into those girls anymore.

Post # 8
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I had the same thing (minus the engagement & wedding) happen to me after college.  She was a really good friend of mine (or so I thought) but she was insanely jealous of me, although I didn’t know it. She ended up just stopping talking to me and I never got closure, not really.   I ran into her at a mutual friend’s wedding and she gave me the most bullshit reason I have ever heard for why she basically “disfriended” me.  It came out later that she had also been stabbing me in the back the entire time we were friends, putting me down to other people, making me sound unstable, impossible to get along with, etc.    Makes me so mad when I think back on it.  And the way she “disfriended” me was so harsh, I mean she literally stopped talking to me, and I was so confused as to what the heck was going on.  

The hard part for me is that she is still Really Good Friends with other mutual friends of mine. We all ran in a group together,  So I still hear about her through the grapevine and about trips/outings she does with those friends.  And it makes me sad, still, STILL to this day.  

But I think of all the back stabbing nonsense and the constant put-downs about my appearance, body, looks, actions, relationships, etc (all due to her jealousy) and I think. no, I KNOW, that I’m better off without her in my life.  I don’t need friends like that.   So I just stopped letting myself wonder what was going on in HER life and moved on with mine.  I cut all contact with her, and when I see her places, I certainly do not go over and say hi or anything.  I think it is harder when good friends “break up”, much worse than with a boyfriend.  Good luck. Its hard, but if you stop wondering about her and what happened or what wrong, and instead focus on your life, you’ll find it easier.  

Post # 9
561 posts
Busy bee

@AnonHoney:  ughh I had this happen to me too. She was my best friend since 6th grade, she lived around the corner from me, we went to college 15 minutes away from each other…seriously someone I thought would be my bestfriend forever. 

After 2 years at college I moved to a college near home and started working 2 different jobs. We hung out everyday when she would come home and I was off from work but we just didn’t talk that much during the school year. 

One day, we must have been 21-22, she asked me to go to lunch because she was home for the weekend. We went out to lunch and she told me she was a lesbian. I am not going to lie, I knew this…I had her figured out in HS and she never once even attempted to date a guy. I guess I made a mistake by saying something along the lines of “omg! I totally knew, it’s ok,” she told me about the girl she liked and I thought I was accepting and interested. We went out afterwards and talked and I thought things ended on a great note.

A few weeks later I sent her an email (she was back at school) and she responded with the nastiest email I have ever received. She said I hate gay people, I obviously don’t accept her for her who she is because we hadn’t spoken in weeks (keeping in mind that was NORMAL for our friendship when we were at school and I was working 50 hours a week). She told me she would never respond to me ever again and she hated me. I was in complete shock. I couldn’t care less about anyone’s sexual orientation and I didn’t purposefully not talk to her…

When facebook became the craze our mutual HS friend (who she had also stopped talking to) found her on facebook and asked her to be her friend and she accepted. I got really excited and asked her to be my friend too and she denied me and blocked me! I couldn’t believe it…and I couldn’t believe that it still hurt so much 5+ years later. Now I am 31 and just writing this is still upsetting!

I think you should do the best you can to move on and just think about your positive times together…obviously she has something going on, just like my friend did.

Post # 10
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that it helps to realize one, that you don’t need people like that in your life.  And that two, sometimes the only closure we get ( alot of times actually) is the closure we give ourselves. By accepting that a shitty thing happened, knowing we did our best and handled it the best we could, and realizing that we don’t want those types of people in our lives. 

Post # 11
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

When you lose a close relationship, regardless of the reason, it just takes time.

Maybe to help get your closure, write her a letter- don’t mail it, burn it, but just get everything out there. MsJ2theZ nailed it- “sometimes the only closure we get ( alot of times actually) is the closure we give ourselves.”


Post # 12
119 posts
Blushing bee

Well, I lost someone who I thought was a good friend, but I can totally understand why:  she had a son who was best friend with my son and the poor child died of e-coli.  I was there for her the whole time he was sick and the funeral and her mourning period, but she drifted away. I asked her if I had done anything to cause the change in her feelings {as I was very hurt} but she explained it killed her to look at my son without feeling enraged that her son was no longer with us.  I totally got it, but I still, years later, I miss her.








Post # 13
2351 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ve been dealing with something similar recently. It’s easy for me to see that the friendship run it’s course and needed to fade away long ago. I have just been trying to remind myself that time will pass and so will the anxiety I feel. My biggest fear is running into that person or her family somewhere when it is still raw like it is right now. But  it is what it is, what can I do? I can’t control everything.

Post # 14
1228 posts
Bumble bee

I would just focus on yourself and your relationship and moving on. She obviously has some issues that have nothing to do with you that she needs to get over by herself. 

Post # 15
472 posts
Helper bee

@MexiPino:  I should try this! This honestly sounds like it would help me out. I feel angry whenever I think about an ex best friend.

She tried to sleep with one of my boyfriends. He told me how she kept texting him at 2 a.m. asking him to come over, and stopping by his house. I was furious, and cut off all contact with her. When our mutual friend confronted her about it she apparently was unconcerned and said, “Whatever. She should get over it.”

It makes my blood boil thinking about how indifferent her response was, and how her self-serving feelings came before our friendship of 10 years.

@AnonHoney:  If there’s any semblence to repairing your friendship, I would reach out and tell her how much she hurt you. Then you two could try to mend it from there.

If not, then try to focus on how your life will improve without her negativity. 

It happens to the best of us. Breaking up with friends is a lot worse in my opinon than breaking up with someone you date. 

Post # 16
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

In truth there is only one healer… TIME

You are going thru a Grieving Process (totally natural).  Right now you are in the Anger & Bargaining Phases… Or what some might refer to the “WTF… and HOW could it have been done differently phase”

In time you’ll get to Acceptance.

That isn’t to say that you won’t think of her, wonder about her, or miss her in the future.

In truth… Marriages are hard… they change the game for a lot of people and their Reltionships… it is always I’ve found a time when Relationships come and go… NEW People come into your life, and Other People fade out or go away.  It sucks… but it happens.

No matter what we do, sometimes our choices that we see as being good for us (Marriage to a particular person) others don’t agree with.  And so it goes.

It sounds to me that this was part of the issue here:

She admitted it was because she didn’t think it was going to work out.

So understandably you are hurt that someone you had been friends with soooo long (15 years) would feel this way… but I would guess she has her reasons… more so as she decided not to be a hypocrite in the end and come to the Wedding.

It sucks… but I’d clearly say that you guys are done at this point in time… so the healthy thing for you would be just to move on.

(( HUGS ))

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