Post # 1
I have been having massive insecurities. Some of which stem from my previous post. In addition to this, I have been feeling bad about everything from work to life to the way I look and its leading to arguments in the past 2 months every few days. How do I fix them fast? What expectations or any should I have from my partner in helping me with this? How do I stop accusing him of things?
He also has been displaying bad conflict resolution habits. I.e. calling me crazy and psycho. This has really exacerbated the issue and I’m not sure what to do.
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
I am sorry that you are going through this but being called crazy and psycho are emotional abusive. Maybe you could go see a counsellor or a therapist
Post # 3
I’d leave the relationship. With the right person you should not be having insecurity/trust issues.
Post # 4
First of all, no name calling. That has to stop IMMEDIATELY. It’s a form of gaslighting, and it’s an EASY way to disregard a woman’s feelings and perspective. You need to explain this to him, and he needs to make a concerted effort to stop. He’s never going to take anything you say seriously if he thinks it’s a result of “just being crazy” or “hormonal” or whatever.
Second, the way you look and job issues are more in your camp–you need to actively try to change those situations. Exercise more, consider a new job or department, attack projects in a new way, whatever it may be. Unfortunately, he can’t actually do those things for you, so you need to step up. He should be supportive of you as long as you communicate your problems and search for and act on solutions (rather than just complaining or somethng).
Now, I didn’t read your previous post, so I have no idea if he’s cheated on your or otherwise broken your trust in the past. If he has, you have to figure out if this is worth moving forward with at all. Frankly, I think a man who calls a woman “crazy” all the time isn’t worth keeping around, but that’s me.
Post # 5
Just to clarify for you all, he has been pretty nice to me I think he is just getting fed up with my insecurities and basically questioning him all the time. It’s partially me but he has been making it worse.
Post # 6
From your last post it’s about the lack of sex and wondering if your boyfriend is gay? Well, if you can’t imagine the next 30+ years with this person as is, I’d have to say you need counseling together, or to just split.
Post # 7
As in, he’s calling you crazy and psycho because you keep telling him you think he’s gay? Yeah. That’s not a great look on either of you.
Listen, here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if he is attracted to men as well as women. He’s in a committed relationship with you. That means that you should be able to trust him and feel loved and cherished. If you don’t, don’t be in a relationship with him. Full stop.
Post # 8
If your that insecure you need to be alone and work on yourself. Figure out why you’re feeling what you’re feeling and where it stems from. I’ve only ever felt insecure in shitty relationships with shitty people who were mistreating me.
Post # 9
OP. It sounds like you are pressing his sexual boundaries by instigating and insisting on oral sex? Perhaps this is one reason why he feels uncomfortable and is reluctant to engage in sexual activity? If his morals are such that he does not want to engage in sexual activity before marriage, you’re probably going to find some reluctance in him to do so. Casting his reluctance as him being gay is not kind to him or to homosexuals. It seems as if you are lacking in respect for him and this is definitely not something to go forward into marriage with.
Post # 10
jannigirl : Hi thanks for your reply. Just to make it clear he suddenly had these morals when he met me. He was a serial dater and has slept with women before. So you could imagine how I feel juxtaposing our sexless relationship to that not too far past. Furthermore, I’m not trying to cast people of different orientations in a negative way at all. I just am scared that it will forever be this way of me initiating and him reluctant. I’ve asked him about being asexual and he said no. I al have asked in very nice ways about his sexuality, by no means ever accusational or anything like that. I could only imagine how sensistive it is and would never in a million years want him to feel bad. I genuinely care about him deep down in my heart, and it pains me to think that he would have to deal with such a dillemma.
Post # 11
Why are you marrying him?
I’m not asking to be snarky but genuinely confused as you two seem to have many issues and it doesn’t seem like this is the right relationship for either of you.
Post # 12
There is NEVER an excuse for name calling.
mrandmrsnunes : is right. It’s emotional abuse and not to be tolerated.
Couples counseling is contraindicated when there is any form of abuse. Therapy for yourself would be a good step. And as other Bees have posted, intense insecurities are a signal you’re in the wrong relationship. Healthy relationships with healthy partners lift you up.
Step one: get yourself healthy.
Post # 13
Read this post and the last one. Why are you still together?
Post # 14
anonymoustoday : “Just to make it clear he suddenly had these morals when he met me.”
Have you ever heard of the expression to “sow wild oats?”
A number of of conservative religious men I know use their younger years to date around and have many sexual experiences. Then, when they are at an age they deem suitable for marriage (tends to be >30 years old) and they meet someone who they think is suitable for marriage, they start a relationship that is much more conservative/religiously based. Within that relationship, they may have sex less often or stop doing certain sexual acts that are generally frowned upon in their religious community, but that they have enjoyed in the past.
Basically, they leave their “wild” days behind, and within that relationship they become the conservative religious man that their family expects them to be. That’s what I’m guessing you are to him, especially if you are planning on getting married.
I’ve had this experience before, and seen it happen with/to other people, so that’s what I’m basing this guess on. It seems like your boyfriend is definitely becoming more religious, especially if he has put these boundaries in place.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like this relationship is for you. I wouldn’t expect him to change or go back to the way he was before. This is who he is now… you either accept it or should move on.
Post # 15
franklymydearidont : thats a good perspective, i didnt realize that this could be a possibility. appreciate the insight! i dont want to break up/him, i just want to resolve my doubts about him