Post # 1
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
Bees, I need y’all to help me understand.
The rational side of me knows that my boyfriend watching porn is no big deal; it’s perfectly natural and most men do it. I know he loves me, he treats me well, our sex life hasn’t suffered a bit. I know that he’s not emotionally attached to these women, that he won’t leave me to for them or anything ridiculous like that, and that porn is just images he watches to get off.
But then the irrational, overly sensitive side of me says that it’s because I’m not attractive enough for him, or that I must be boring in bed, or that he wishes I looked like them, and that if he was as happy with our sex life as he says he is then he wouldn’t have to watch it.
I’m not going to ask him to stop watching porn; we’ve had this talk before and I expressed how it made me uncomfortable and he explained how it’s nothing against me personally and that he only watches it when I’m not available (like if I’m at work and he’s off) and that he’s not attracted to these women (which I don’t understand, how can he not be attracted to them if he uses them to jack off? Obviously he finds them phsyically pleasing at least) and that I make him the happiest ever. But it still bothers me.
I just want to get over it and I’m not sure how. Like I said, it’s not affecting our relationship. I really just want to view it only from the rational side and get rid of the bad feelings I have towards it. How do you get over your SO jacking off to random naked women on the internet? (He only watches on that YouPorn website that is free online, he doens’t pay for anything)
Post # 3
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
@babytoes: I guess I have an easy time coping with it because I myself enjoy it every now and then (maybe once per week). So I understand how meaningless it is. I feel no desire to be with the people in the videos or to partake in the acts I watch. It’s a visual stimuli and nothing else.
That said, I think I actually watch it more than my Fiance does, so it’s pretty much a non-issue for us.
Of course he’s attracted to the women, to insist otherwise would be silly…he’s just telling you what you want to hear. But attraction is a very shallow emotion, and I think what he’s trying to communicate to you is that he does not place any value in those women. And that he has no desire to be with one of them instead of you.
All that said, I genuinely believe that some people just can’t be okay with it. And you know what? That’s totally fine. But in that circumstance I think it’s important to communicate your feelings with him as explicitly as possible…maybe even go to a counselor together and see if they can help you both sort out your feelings on the issue.
Post # 4
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
I also enjoy it from time to time, so I understand where the urge comes from. But I also just don’t think about it. If I actively think about, it bothers me. It’s not something that I actually care about, so I just think about it as little as possible. I don’t know if that helps, but that’s how I deal with it.
Post # 5
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Post # 6
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
If you enjoyed comedy shows and he got jealous because it meant he wasn’t funny enough, would that make sense to you? If you have a female best friend who you can confide in, and your SO got angry and sad and felt completely inadequate, how would you feel?
Sex to me is just another part of life, like laughing or sharing secrets and moments of our lives. He’s been jerking it for much longer than you two have been together (sorry to be so indelicate) and it has literally nothing to do with your relationship. It’s a way he can make himself happy. A
nd, trust me, after most people have ‘finished’ while watching porn, it’s immediately shut off to thoughts of “Oh my god, this turned me on 5 minutes ago? Awkwarrdddd.” whereas I guarantee he NEVER thinks that of you.
Post # 7
Member
2948 posts
Sugar bee
There is more to attraction than physicality. I have a very specific physical attraction type. My Fiance is NOT that type, but we still have a great romantic life, including physical. It helps me understand that my own attraction to people really is mental and not physical to not be jealous of him looking on line. He will never be intelectually intimate with these people.
Also, we both watch on own from time to time. We are busy, and sometimes you just need a release.
Post # 8
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
@laureneliz87: I think you said exactly what he was trying to say. We both know that of course, there are attractive people in the world; they don’t just go away because we’re in a relationship. I’m fine with him recognizing that yes, that is an attractive woman. And I trust him to not act on it. So I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Maybe like what you said, it’s just not something I’m going to be ok with.
@juliana192: That’s probably the best thing for me to do… just don’t think about it. I also tend to feel a lot more comfortable with it if I’m feeling really good about myself… when I’ve been working out for a while and feel more confident with my own body.
Post # 9
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
I don’t mind Fiance watching porn anymore. At first it bothered me and I felt like it was wrong of him to watch it while in a relationship… I’ve actually watched porn on my own and I realize that he probably isn’t comparing any of these people to me – he just gets excited watching it.
We actually joke about it. I’ll be using his phone and give him the shot of “I’m not going to have porn blow up in my face when I unlock this?”, its actually become something that I don’t even think of anymore.
I also am fine with it because I don’t feel like I am his only resource for getting pleasure, if I am really not in the mood he’ll just go turn on his computer and deal with it… which is fine with me because I get an hour or so more sleep that night!
Post # 10
Member
2960 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I watch it now and then, and I assume he does too, but we don’t talk about it. I know that when I watch it, its definitely not bc I am not attracted to him.
Post # 11
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
@winstonchurchill: When you put it like that I feel so ridiculous. You’re completely right, thank you for putting it in perspective like that!
@Misswhowedding: Really helps when you put it like that. I mean, I already knew it but you said it so well.
Post # 12
Member
763 posts
Busy bee
@babytoes: I watch porn from time to time myself, so I suppose I don’t fault my husband for doing what I do. It’s never made me feel inadequate often because it gives him some ideas on what to try in bed… and that’s made for some seriously fun times 
I think in order to “get over it” you’d have to really look at it in a very different light; instead of what does this detract or possibly detract from my relationship (makes me feel inadequate, makes me worry he’s not interested in me…) you can start to call into what it might be able to add. When my Darling Husband found out I watched porn and read erotica he wanted to know what I liked and it gave him a better idea how to be more intimate with me and please me and vice versa. It gave us a new opening to communication and we were able to feel not only more comfortable with one another but it spiced up things. Porn is not a substitute for a relationship; its no different than escaping into a video game or a book or a movie or whatever else we escape into. When its an addiction and taking over for a relationship then its a problem but right now, this may be a good time to explore more of your sexual preferences together
Post # 13
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
@babytoes: Personally, I dont have some huge issue with porn, but I think you’re being unfair to yourself when you say its “perfectly natural” or feel that there’s something wrong with you for being uncomfortable or hurt when your husband watches it.
Finding other people attractive is perfectly natural. I have no doubt my husband notices and even checks out women he finds attractive just as I do with other men. As long as that’s all it is – a natural noticing and appreciation – no harm no foul. Just don’t let me catch you doing it. That’s disrespectful.
Porn is not natural. Its actors being paid to get it on or people who for whatever reason want to film and make public their sex life.
I get the desire to watch it and don’t feel it means someone is automatically dissatisfied with their real life sex life with their spouse.
But that doesn’t mean its not hurtful for your partner to ogle other women.
I also feel that porn can be destructive. A man (or woman) who indulges can find the fantasy more appealing than reality. That can be damaging. Not to mention that those sites link to all kinds of stuff – websites for marrieds who want to cheat, etc. Now, I know someone is going to say that just because its there it won’t make someone cheat and of course that’s true. But subjecting oneself to temptation can lead to giving in to it. No relationship is bullet proof. Precious things need to be protected and one way of doing that is avoiding temptation.
So, I think talking about the potential downfalls of porn is valid. Asking that it be kept to a minimum is a reasonable request.
Post # 14
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
I occassionally watch it alone, my husband watches it alone and we both sometimes watch it together. Because I enjoy it, too, and because I know it has nothing to do with my feelings and/or attraction to my husband, I know that his watching porn has nothing to do with a lack of attraction or love for me.
Men are very visual creatures and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect men to turn that part of themselves off simply because they got married. I see the argument from women who don’t change their names all the time – “this has been my name for however many years and just because I’m married doesn’t mean I lose myself and/or my name.” Well, that’s how I see his viewing porn. He watched it long before he met me and he’s still an individual.
If he enjoys it and it doesn’t interfere with your relationship and your sex life, you should accept it as a healthy part of his being himself.
Post # 16
Member
14419 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Do you know when he’s watching it and jacks off? What if you just ask him to be more discrete about it so you dont have to know? I mean, I have no idea when and honestly even if (who am I kidding, I’m sure he does) it happens with my husband, so it just never crosses my mind. It doesnt effect me, so I really don’t care….Ignorance is bliss too.
