(Closed) how do you get to know people?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

That’s tough. You can make all the effort (as you have in the past), but you can’t force somebody to reciprocate. If they aren’t responding to your questions and conversation, I don’t know what else there is you can do. I don’t get why your SO expects you to do anything more than you are doing. My opinion is that you can only do so much. If it were me, I’d ask one or two questions and try the small chat thing and if they didn’t respond, I’d give up. I don’t think you should have to put 110% effort into it when they are putting in 0% effort. A relationship involves both sides and both sides need to put some effort into it. I would talk to your SO about it again. Hasn’t he noticed in the past that they both don’t respond to your questions? Good luck! That sounds super awkward. I totally feel for you!

Post # 5
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Is it possible that they’re just shy/quiet people?  I would just keep doing what you’re doing, if they are just shy eventually they’ll start talking to you as well.

Post # 6
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

What about playing a fun board game or something as a group?  Like Apples to Apples, Game of Things, etc?  I always feel like that’s a fun way to get shy/quiet/untalkative people involved in things.

Post # 7
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Could it be that SO’s Brother-In-Law is an introvert and/or feels uncomfortable around you?

Sometimes if there are social or educational disparities, it causes people to clam up.

I know you are trying your best to initiate conversation, etc – and I definitely understand how frustrating it is to feel like you are the one that has to draw others out…. but, it may just be what’s required in this particular situation.

Does your SO ever comment about how they act?  Meaning – is it atypical or is it pretty normal.  Have you ever seen them around other people?  (I’m trying to figure out if that’s just the way they are – or if there’s an issue with you).

 

Post # 10
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I know how awkward this can be. Why not try doing an activity instead of conversation? One pp mentioned board games which would be a good starter. Go to the driving range? Hiking? Mini golf? That way, you can talk about what’s going on rather than making small talk…and then the next time you see them, you can talk about the activity you did!

Post # 11
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

@rljohnso14: OK, based on your most recent post I have to say that it doesn’t seem as if they are awkward, shy, etc. but just plain not nice. (Putting it nicely) If she can’t even be respectful, doesn’t appreciate your help, shrugs shoulders, etc. than I don’t think there is anything you can do. Does your SO see them like this? Are they nicer to him than you when all of you are together?

Post # 12
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

I second the PP that suggest board games. A friend of mine was dating a guy for years that was SO shy and never talked. I can be shy around people I don’t know well, but he had known us for years and we hung out a lot, like once a week for 4 years. Anyways, I started hosting game nights at my house. Catch Phrase was our favorite and a great way to get everyone involved. It’s a team game, so super shy people don’t feel like they are “in the spotlight” as much.

Although, based on your updates the girl sounds plain rude.

Post # 13
Member
14486 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@rljohnso14: It sort of sounds like they just really dont care for a relationship.  She doesnt strike me as shy if she reached out to you for help, and it seems as though there is a lot of common ground to talk about and build on.  But if they just want care for whatever reason, there’s just not much you can do about it.  Since they did just move back, I would give it a few tries and hang out.  If it continues to be awkward and uncomfortable and going no where, I would start to stop doing things with them and just let SO go himself if he wants to see his twin.  There’s no point in me wasting time with people who dont care to build a relationship of any sort.

Post # 15
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

@rljohnso14: I’m with you (Want to be around people who care about others/show interest) and totally understand. How often will you have to see them? Perhaps you’ll get “used” to them by spending more time? I know that sounds awful, but if you are going to have to see them, maybe the more you do, the better it will eventually be? I don’t know. But I wouldn’t go out of your way to be nice to them. Of course, don’t be rude, but you’ve shown plenty of effort/respect, that I wouldn’t put forth so much effort. Perhaps they will notice that and put forth more effort into the relationship? Who know? Good luck!!

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

When people are like that to me, I follow their lead and that usually gets them to open up. Because it shows them that you respect the fact that they don’t want to talk and puts the ball in their court a little. So even if it’s super awkward like we end up alone in a room in total silence together, I’ll just pick up a magazine or something and wait it out.

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