Post # 1
I have to say, I am getting a bit tired of having to ask my FI to help around the house. He does a few things without me asking, which I appreciate, but most of the time he won’t help unless asked. And he doesn’t complain. The worst is when he does laundry but doesn’t hang or fold it, just leaves it in the dryer for days. And he leaves his junk mail sitting out for WEEKS, instead of throwing it in the trash or recycle bin. I work full-time nights as a nurse and sleep in the day, so my schedule is all over the place. All I’m askin is that he notice what needs to be done without being asked.
But when I’ve mentioned it, he says he DOES help around the house, which he does, but I want him to take the initiative and not need to be asked repeatedly or worse…NAGGED. I don’t want to be that kind of person.
What works? Should I make a chart and divide certain tasks by days?
I really wish I wouldn’t have to, I wish he would just take the initiative.
Post # 3
Don`t make a chart- he will feel like you are treating him like a child.
Sit down and discuss what chores have to be done around the house and decide the chores for which you would like to take responsibility. Talk it out and agree what each chore actually means e.g laundry means wash, dry fold and put away or place on the bed.
If he doesn
t do his chores, dont come to his rescue. If you have to do your own laundry, fine and dandy, but don`t do his. With no consequences there will be no change.
Post # 4
First, I think you just need to be on the same page regarding what needs to be done. Some people just don’t see leaving laundry in the dryer as an issue (or filing the mail daily, or doing dishes daily, or making the bed). Not everyone grows up with the same idea of housekeeping.
So I don’t think its fair to just expect him to read your mind and have the exact same expectations. I think you need to discuss with him and come to some consensus about how often and who can do the tasks, and how much it would make you feel better about your house/life/relationship.
Post # 5
@kerensa: you’re right. I just wish he would notice “Hey, the floor needs to be vacuumed” and do it, instead of just letting it go and go. It’s not like its the difference of daily vs. weekly or monthly. That I don’t care about. It’s the never noticing even when there are no clean clothes or when he’s left the clothes in the washer for two days and now they smell moldy. I know he got it from his mom…her house is always a mess, but he used to seem to not want to end up like that and now he doesn’t seem to care.
@julies1949: if I did that, he would literally have laundry and mail piled up on his side of the bed. What ends up happening is that I get disgusted with it, so I do it. I hate those hoarding shows and don’t want my house to end up looking like that! LOL!
Post # 6
In my experience living with my ex, my FI and my brother, you generally have to ask men to help. I ask FI to help out all the time but then again, when I do ask, he will gladly do it without any comments or problems. It’s just that my version of clean and his version of clean are on two opposite sides of the spectrum so he will think the kitchen looks just fine whereas I think it’s a holy mess.
Post # 7
@midwesternmuse: sounds EXACTLY like us! He never complains either, but he just doesn’t take the initiative and needs to be asked. Maybe I just need to get used to having to ask.
The sad thing is…we are both nurses! We should both care about being clean and not germy LOL!
Post # 8
When you find out please let me know 😉
My FI is the same— will help when asked but rarely takes the initiative to see what needs to be done and do it. And then he expects praise (i.e. “Look I vacuumed the carpet, how does it look!?”). Hahaha!
He has gotten a LOT better though. I’ve asked him which things he enjoys most, like vacuuming, and made those “his” jobs. When it comes to cleaning we usualky clean at the same time so it makes it easier.
Straightening up though is definitely tougher. I usually just “remind” him about what needs to be put away. I find that “Hey babe, could you please do X before you go to bed?” works pretty well. And then praise him after (i.e. “Thanks so much for putting that away. It looks much better.”) With junk mail I will gather it up, hand it to him, and ask him to go through it and file it/throw it away.
Post # 9
I have no advice for you on this. it seems that I’m dealing with the same thing. My SO hardly ever takes the intiative to clean up unless I ask. I will say that when I’m sick, he makes extra efforts around the house, but thats about it.
Post # 10
Another one in the same boat here! DH is pretty good about the dishes (he knows it’s a big pet peeve of mine to have dishes sitting the sink especially if the dishwasher is empty), and then picking up around the living room. But as far as vacuuming, dusting, following through with laundry, going through mail, etc., I have to ask and he’ll gladly help. I’ve just come to terms with it; in the end he’s willing to do his share, he just needs a little guidance on what would make me feel like the house is clean. 🙂 Yes, somewhat annoying but I’d say it’d be a much bigger problem if your FI was unwilling to help at all as I’ve heard from other poor bees on here.
Post # 11
Wow, that sounds exactly like my fiance. We’ve lived together for 8 years and he’s only gotten slightly better. I guess I’m not really the one to give you advice on it,but I want you to know that you are not alone in this battle!! I also work full time, and have a lot of outside projects I do. My fiance sleeps in every day and works about 4-5 hours a day on his own time. I’m envious of that!! But because he doesn’t really know what it’s like to have a full time job, he just doesn’t seem to get it. He will help out if I ask, but I do get really tired of asking. I’ve also told him that it hurts my feelings sometimes and that does seem to help. But a few weeks later he’s back to the usual.
One thing I have figured out is that he has a few things he likes to do, like he does the dishes & walks the dogs, but he does the exact same thing with laundry yours does and he’s actually ruined so many of my clothes that I’ve banned him from laundry. I have just had to give him the tasks he likes and deal with the fact that they may not get taken care of as often as I’d like. Thank God he’s great in so many other ways!!
Post # 12
The reason he doesnt do X is because he doesnt notice that X needs to be done. It’s not like he is walking around thinking every minute, Wow the floor is dirty It really needs to be vacuumed, but I’ll just put it on the back burner and ignore it. Don’t think that he thinks like you or sees things the say way as you. How do I know, I’m your DH. I grew up with a very neat Mom, but I am my Father’s daughter (with a touch of ADD). I just don’t see it–it’s called situational blindness. After we go on trips I will step over my unpacked suitcase for weeks. It just doesn’t bother me (DH usually unpacks now).
That being said, everyone has to pull their weight around the house. But to expect him to ‘want to clean’ or to see the mess the same way just isnt going to happen. When you talk with him, list everything that needs to be done and how often you’d like it to get done (and negotiate how often if necessary). Then talk about what each of you can expect (meaning dishes are done before you go to bed or can they sit in the sink for a few days) of each other and when you can remind him.
Then you might have to do some things he just wont do. For instance, DH is in charge of the mail. He always will be. When we lived in a condo, I would just forget about it (it was across the complex). Now it’s next to our front door, but I just hate dealing with mail. So that is DH’s job.
Post # 13
@KoiKove: I think he notices but it just doesn’t affect him in the same way. He can live with it. I can’t. But if he starts a task like laundry, why not finish it and do it right??
Maybe it IS too much to ask for him to take initiative, but I do think he can learn.
@Amayansong: I’ve banned my FI from doing MY laundry but he still is in charge of his, LOL! He is great in many other ways…and he DOES clean the cat litter box which is my most HATED chore! 😉
@MadTownGirl: You’re right…at least he IS willing to help when asked.
@SincerelyShe: Glad I’m not alone in feeling this way! My FI also does more when I am sick, but if I am gone on a trip and he doesn’t go, I come back to dead plants and piled up dishes!
@hollyberry4: I have resorted to giving him an ultimatum about the mail, because he NEVER. THROWS. ANYTHING. OUT! I put it in his mail slot and say if it isn’t sorted and tossed in a week, it all goes!
Post # 14
t hold your breath until henotices
that something needs doing. Its not happen. But if you do keep rescuing, he will never take the initiative.
In my first marriage, literally the day we got home from our honeymoon, my ex started dropping his clothes at the foot of the bed. He lived in the house before we were married and never did that. It was like he expected me to adopt the
little housewiferole from the get go. I fooled him. I didn
t pick a single thing up. The pile was higher than the bed before he asked me why I wasnt doing the laundry. I answered
I am doing the laundry. There hasnt been any of your clothes in the laundry hamper.
Never again did he drop clothes on the floor.
Luckily I don`t have that problem with my DH. he does whatever needs doing with no prompting from me.
Post # 15
I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it’s most often an issue of different expectations of cleanliness rather than a blatant “it’s not my job” attitude (which I wouldn’t tolerate).
Yes, it’s sometimes a bit annoying to me to have to “ask” for help, since really household stuff should be 50/50 (in general, if both parties are working equal amounts roughly), but I’ve come to realize that I have to ask because he just doesn’t see it the same way I do. I’ve taken to thinking about asking as “I have higher expectations, and he may not anticipate that but he’s happy to help if I mention it” as opposed to thinking “I shouldn’t HAVE to ask, this is 2013!!!! GRRRR”.
But if it got really bad, or if I asked and got static, then it would be war and I’d do my own dishes and laundry and he’d figure it out when all his drawers were empty haha…..I’m only half kidding, though.
Post # 17
I’ve been married for 30+ yrs but came to the site for advice on anything new. Even though I don’t like gender roles, I have refused to mow lawns, wash cars, weed gardens or shovel snow. The work is still very uneven but since he isn’t going to change, I might as well take advantage of what he will do. I also make sure there are plenty of projects going on for him to do that will improve the house.