(Closed) How do you go about your life when someone you love is dying?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee

Death is never easy. Im sorry you are having to experience this, but its a path we must all go down.

When my grandmother was dying I took every opperunity I could to be with her. I would sit and talk to her, we would sit in silence. I would tell her dumb stories, she would laugh. I was working and in school, but I stole what moments I could, because you will never get them back.

When he passes, sometimes rituals help us through the pain. IN the past there were set things we did, but it seems those rituals have fallen away, which, personally, I think it makes people feel like they are in limbo.

I wore black as the Victorians did. I made a prayer card that I placed in her casket. I also went back to work the next day. I couldnt stay idle. It was good for no one. Cause all I did was think.

Post # 18
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

desertgypsy:  Rely on your hospice team; they will guide you through every step in this process to answer questions and hold your hand & will be there for you for bereavement as well.  I cry with every family I care for at some point, and I pray I never lose that.  And remember, there is no right or wrong; if he happens to pass when you are busy at work then that is the way it is supposed to happen.  We retain our unique personalities through the very end, and I truly believe that people let go when they are ready.  I’ll be thinking about you…

Post # 20
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

desertgypsy:  I am so, so sorry bee. Wishing you peace.

Post # 21
Member
8099 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

desertgypsy:  I’m so sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar process with my uncle (cancer is such an asshole). What helped me was visiting with him and talking as much as I could – some family avoided visiting because they couldn’t stand to watch him deteriorate but I wanted to soak up as much time as I could. Sometimes the best you can do is be a loving presence and a listening ear. My uncle knew I was the strong one in the family and from a young age had learned to cope with death – he confided in me a few days before he passed that he was in pain and ready to die. Hearing that gutted me, but I knew he needed to tell someone and no one else would listen and tell him that it was ok to let go. So I held his hand and told him I’d miss him more than he could imagine, but that it was ok and I didn’t want him to hurt anymore. If you are emotionally able to being there for whatever he needs is all you can do. And if it’s too hard sometimes know that that is ok too. 

Post # 22
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Stanley Historic Space, Lee\'s Summit, MO

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through something similar at the beginning of the year, when my grandmother elected to stop her treatment for her brain cancer. I spent as much time with her as possible while she was still lucid, able to talk and understand us. I was able to be with her when she passed..and I think being able to say that final goodbye helped me; if you’re able to be there, it’s a gift to the dying. Other than that…take it one day at a time. Let out your grief however you need to, and lean on your support system. It’s hard…it’s so, so difficult. But you’ll get through it. I still miss my grandma every day and sometimes the pain is so sharp, but it’s getting better as time goes by. I know she’s not suffering anymore, which is a huge relief, honestly. (Also, I agree with the telling him it’s okay to go. My grandma told us she was ready for the pain to be over, and at the end, when she was unresponsive, her children and grandchildren all told her it was okay to go, we’d all be all right though we’d miss her. I think it helped her transitioning.)

Post # 23
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As others have said, everyone handles grief differently, so there is no ‘answer’. Even after, there isn’t one. 

I lost my Gram almost three years ago now from cancer; it’s an ugly, ugly disease. Near the end, she was barely coherent or just plain out of it. But I took every chance I could to just go sit with her, even if she didn’t know I was there, or who I was. I sat next to her, and watched TV or held her hand or tried to talk to her. Unfortunately, she never made it home; that’s where she wanted to go, but couldn’t make it. 

Also, I’m not saying you will, but DO NOT feel bad if you have some sort of ‘relief’ after it’s all over. I felt incredibly guilty for being slightly relieved; it had been a long, awful fight with cancer, and I had this awful feeling of relief that she was no longer fighting or sick or in extreme pain. It took me a long while to not feel guilty about that. 

Lean on your support system; even if you have to support others, make sure you have someone suppoting YOU. Allow yourself to grieve. Be angry. Don’t hold it in. But by all means, be thankful that person was in your life, and was such a strong, brave warrior. 

Post # 24
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

When my mom died, denial carried me through the first few months before and after she died. Then I compartmentalized and grieved in small waves. Honestly, I just went numb most times and I carry on like she never existed. It works for me because otherwise the loss woukd be unbearable. 

Post # 25
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

All I can say is I am sorry.  Nothing will make this easier, except time for healing. 🙁

 

H’s grandmother passed last August, her birthday is the 1st.  My own family was pretty oblivious to my existence, and so she was the first grandmother I ever had, and a wonderful lady who accepted this strange girl her grandson was dating.  It was hard.  Luckily I was able to take time off work a day to mourn, and my co workers understood.

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