(Closed) How do you guys feel about open marriage/polygamy?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you ever seriously consider embarking in an open marriage?

    Yes- i would be completely comfortable with my partner sharing their sexuality with others

    Yes- But I wouldn't want to know about the other people

    I would let my partner but I don't think I could

    No- I want my marriage to be between 2 people only

    No- I would doubt DH's/DW's love for me

    No- I'm not comfortable with polygamy

    I would be willing to try it out

    Yes/maybe - I would be somewhat comfortable with my partner sharing their sexuality with others

  • Post # 62
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    View original reply
    @CountryRose:  an estimated 50-75% of married men have cheated in their marriage (30-60% overall) and these numbers are only increasing amoung the younger generation. That means that the majority of women are ALREADY “sharing their man” without knowing about it.

    Please, tell me exactly where you got this information from. Which studies are you citing? Which psychologists ran these studies? How were the studies preformed? Which controls were in place? How wide a variety was the sampling? Were these men still in their marriages, or were these men divorced? At what age did the infidelity occur? What did they base their research off of?

    I’m saying this because these number seem fabricated and completely off-mark. I wrote a very indepth, very well researched, 27 page paper on this topic in 2009 for a senior Human Sexuality and Psychology of Sex course. According to my research, somewhere between 13%-18% of adults have cheated in their marriages, and about 13% of living together couples (non-married) have cheated. I would like to point out that there ARE “studies” that state that 50%, 75%, 80% of adults cheat in their marriages and some people, like Joice Brothers (think that was her name) said that 50% of all women sleep around in their marriages. However, clinical research shows something completely different (and more aligned with my findings, since I’d prefer to base my research off CLINICAL, not just “what people say”).

    Sadly, people will continue to post the higher end numbers because of the shock value, when there is more proof (from actual clinical research studies) that support the lower end. The truth is, MORE THAN LIKELY, an adult will not cheat. The odds are in favor of having a faithful marriage for the duration, not the other way around.

    Of course, this is based on studies that I find more reliable than others, not based on my own personal beliefs. If the reliable studies found the 50-75% statement to be true, then I would support that answer, however, I have read more “bogus” studies supporting the higer numbers than I have found factual, and therefore, am inclined to believe that only 13%-18% of adults in the US cheat in their relationships.


    Edit: I do not think you’re trying to post for shock value, from the way you stated it, it sounded like you honestly believe these numbers, so I thought I would offer up some numbers that have been supported by valid research. It is always good to see the other side, I think. I did not mean for any of this post to sound mean. My questions are honest questions. If you found a clinical study that showed these results I would very much like to read it.

    Post # 63
    5540 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2011

    The only open thing in my marriage would be my husband’s grave if he decides to sleep with someone else. Want to sleep around, don’t be married, especially to me! 

    Post # 64
    8482 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2014

    Its not for me. I’m way too jealous. But if it works for others then I have no problem with it.

    Post # 65
    33 posts
    • Wedding: August 2013

    My Fiance has the fantasy of having a M-M-F threesome or watching me have sex with another guy.     Thankfully he says he wouldn’t be interested in having a F-F-M threesome as that would kill me- he likes the idea of the competing for me with another guy.  We have looked up this type of fantasy online- it is termed “hotwife” … and it seems pretty prevalent. I’m just wondering if any of you have tried it, and what you think about it.. or if it sounds like something you would like to try!

    Honestly, we did it once before.. and it was fun and dirty and everything… but I got a little freaked out when we left just because I’m usually such a good girl..

    Post # 66
    2930 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Oof. Could you imagine keeping house with 2 men?? Yikes, haha.

    In all seriousness, while I can understand the “pros” about polygamy, I’m way too selfish and cannot fathom sharing FI’s affections and attention. For that same reason, I don’t even see any pros for open marriage for us. At least with the polygamy, I’d get to enjoy the company and share responsibilities with other members of the marriage.

    If other people can make these kinds of relationships work, more power to them, and I wish them all of the best. The great thing about being adults is the ability to search and find our own happinesses.

    Post # 67
    401 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    View original reply
    @wbg21:  this is the study I cited

    Buss, D. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (1997).  Susceptibility to infidelity in the first year of marriage.  Journal of Research in Personality, 31, 193-221.

     And here is a link that contains a loooong list of similar and related research, many of which I found compelling

    Post # 68
    1555 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Not for me. I don’t really see the point in being married at that point, but that’s just me.

    Post # 69
    1151 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    View original reply
    @Treejewel19:  Again if you (not you specifially, anyone) choose to engage in an open relationship that is their choice but to do so under the pretense of marriage seems a bit counter intuitive. It is like having your cake and eating it too. If you want to be open with others while continuing the original relationship why get married?  THIS! Every one of your points was very well articulated. Thank you! 

    Post # 70
    1078 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    This would not work for me.  Not even a little bit.

    Post # 71
    9834 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    It’s not for me, I wouldn’t want it for Fiance and I, for our relationship it would be cheating. But if it works for others I have no problem with that 🙂 

    Post # 72
    2319 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I wouldn’t want to stay married to my DH if we were thinking about being polyamorous. There really is no point of having that piece of paper if we can just be in a long-term non-committal relationship. If we are married, we should follow certain provisions. Marriage is a very subjective term these days but the crux of it is to have two persons (gay or straight) in one relationship.

    Post # 73
    4654 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m open to it. Fiance isn’t so it stays with us unless we get an offer he can’t refuse. 

    Post # 74
    4654 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply

    View original reply

    “Why even get married?”

    Poly relationships can have a primary and then “others.” You get married because you want things like hospital visitation rights, tax change, strangers taking your relationship seriously, and all the other social benefits that come with being married. Some people view commitment in a purely emotional context — they don’t view something as cheating or unfaithful if there’s no romantic love, so a one night stand with someone you’ll never see again is simply no big deal. They don’t see it as a lack of commitment any more than you’d see a platonic friendship or business relationship with the opposite sex as a lack of commitment.

    Generally I try to stay out of defining others’ marriages. If you want just two people that’s awesome, but as a close friend of mine is considering an open marriage (not married yet but in a long term loving poly relationship that seems headed that way) it makes me feel a little defensive on her behalf to suggest they shouldn’t get married just because they’re ok with poly stuff.

    Post # 75
    508 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @Bebealways:  +10 

    Post # 76
    4045 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I see why pologamy is illegal as all the legal consequences of marriage could definitely get tricky once you introduce multiple partners. I don’t know how that can be fixed, but as long as legally everything could be sorted out, then sure, why not have polygamy?

    I’m all for open marriages and polyamorous relationships. It’s not something that interests me, but to each their own. Sometimes it works out wonderfully!

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