(Closed) How do you handle flaky friends? (kinda long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

The quick answer? I got rid of mine. I had a few friends that I would have to practically beg to make plans with, and then I realized it wasn’t worth it. I want to be friends exclusively with people who actually like me and want to be my friend, too. I’m a firm believer in the theory that one-sided friendships aren’t worth it to the person putting in all the effort.

You really shouldn’t have to struggle with someone to make plans with them. I’m much happier now that I have a small, tight group of friends that actually want to see me :). I would find a new hairdresser and keep her in the wedding, but don’t actually plan on her too much. For awhile with my flaky friend, I would invite her to stuff, but I would never actually count on her being able to make it. That way if she did, it was a pleasant surprise, but if she didn’t it didn’t really matter.

I’m not sure if this is a harsh view or not, but I’ve had friends like this since high school and all through college, and eventually I started to get really sick of it!

Post # 4
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m with jo.lee on this one.

I’ve had my share of crappy, flakey friends; it gets real old, real fast. I always end up cutting people like that out of my life. I’m also of the mind that why am I going to go out of my way and try and maintain friendships w/ those that don’t care. Just like any realtionship you have to work at your friendships and it’s not just one sided.

Do you think maybe she doesn’t want to be apart of this wedding anymore? If you’re not feeling it anymore I’d definitely give her an out.

Post # 5
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m a big believer in accepting who people are and adjusting your expectations accordingly. It can be a lot of effort to end a friendship and I dont think every friend I have needs to be my bff. Some friends are flaky by nature and I just don’t count on them for anything. I enjoy them for their company when we hang out but I don’t ever let them have a position in my life that is affected by their flakiness. 

Post # 7
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@SweetRose2011: Is she married or ever been a part of a wedding party? That could be another reason for her thinking nothing is that big a deal. It most definitely is a big deal to us, but others don’t see it that way.

I really don’t have any other advice 🙁

Post # 9
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honestly, I don’t stay friends with people like that. If they don’t respect me/our relationship enough to not flake, they aren’t worth my time.

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

First of all, get your hair done elsewhere pronto. That will alleviate a lot of the stress and tension you are feeling about the situation. Second, respect the boundaries she has set on your friendship for what they are, meaning she can’t be relied on and doesn’t make time for you. So I wouldn’t try to contact her about hanging out, but when you do eventually get together let her know you consider her a friend.

I have flaky friends and I do sort of what I recommended above for you. I don’t ever go to the trouble and stress of cutting them out of my life, but I don’t go out of my way to make plans with them or include them in things. I make general comments like “We should get together soon” and let them take the lead on arranging something. It works, but there are a lot of last minute cancellations even then, so don’t fall into that trap either.

Post # 11
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’m with CorgiTales here. You know she tends to flake, so I suggest adjusting what you expect from her since she sounds like an otherwise good friend. The other thing I can recommend would be to talk to her about it. “I care very much about you and when you keep on pushing plans back and back and back it hurts my feelings because I feel…” etc.

Post # 12
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I just wanted to clarify one little point so I don’t sound like a completely horrible person :). I’ve never actively cut a flake out of my life, but when friendships are this one sided, usually they end ‘naturally’ when you stop doing all the work, which is what I’ve typically done. Sorry, I’m a bit too passionate about this subject, and I don’t think I worded everything clearly!

Post # 13
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PP’s I just get rid of them.  I stop hanging out with them and including them in things that I may do with other friends.  One of my big peeves is people wasting my time and I feel like they do that when they flake on me.  If you can’t make it then just say so but don’t have me waiting hours later.

Post # 15
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’ve also had a lot of flaky friends in my life.  Like @jo.lee said, usually if you stop initiating the contact, the friendship kind of peeters out on its own.  I consider myself an “anti flake” so flakes drive me particularly crazy.  I just don’t have the paitence for it.

I get that she does your hair on the super cheap, but is it really worth all the hassle?  I suggest finding someone else to do your hair and stop contacting this friend.  If she wants to get together, she’ll contact you.

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