Post # 1
Hey bees had a little spat with my Fiance and i’m trying to see what you guys do to handle stuff like this or if it even is an issue. My Fiance and his family have alot of sarcatic banter and back and forth when they get together. They are always joking, teasing, and poking fun at each other. Ive always been a person who dislikes this kind of interaction with others. Fiance and I have had many conversations about it and he is in the process of being more senstive to how i feel about this type of behavior and has changed how he directly interacts with me alone.
While visiting his parents he did the usual banter with them and a few sarcastic remarks that weren’t really directed toward me. When we got ready to go his mom offered me some extra canned goods and groceries to take home. So while rummaging in her pantry Fiance made a remark very loudly about why i was taking the food since i don’t cook. i immediately responded back sarcastically and told him i do cook just not for him. Everyone had a chuckle but I was burning up inside…once we got outside i really lit in to him about embarassing me like that where he seemed in awe and couldn’t see the big deal…i was furious and he just could not get why
So question is I know i’m not going to just lighten up.. but i really didn’t like what happened and i’m not sure how to handle it….i ended up going to bed really upset and woke up upset today Fi woke up clueless …. I’m trying to decide if its even worth bringing back up to Fiance or not ….thoughts?
Post # 3
It’s a two way street. You need to lighten up but he also needs to realize that you’re more sensitive than him and take it easy on you. If something bothers you in your marriage, you should bring it up, not bury it. They’re your feelings and they’re valid.
However here’s just a dose of honesty: what he said was in no way mean, and it was meant to be a joke. Realizing his personality is a big head start… now you have to work on receiving that information & not taking it to heart & realizing he is not trying to upset you or make you angry, rather he’s just poking fun.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 5
I don’t like to tell people to do things they don’t want to do, but I think in this case you need to lighten up or you are going to let the comments affect your mood and eventually, your relationship with your Fiance and his family. My family loves to poke fun and make sarcastic/funny comments and I’m also a sensitive person, but I just have to tell myself not to take it personally and just let it go. Sometimes when I go to my parents’ house for dinner, I feel like it turns into a roast!
It sounds like you handled the comments well around his family and they liked that you joked back. Just try to remember that they are not trying to be mean, just trying to get a couple laughs out of eachother, and nobody is trying to offend you.
Post # 6
@deetroitwhat: I agree with this. My family is like his, and that’s how you know we like you. If we’re not making fun of you, we’re not comfortable with you or we don’t like you. But, if we know you don’t like that kind of teasing, we’ll make an effort to show our affection in other ways. It can be hard when you’ve grown up like that though.
You both need to be sensitive to each other in the ways in which you interact. Like, PP said, it’s a two way street.
Post # 7
Eek. This sounds more like a personality difference than anything. I am a ridiculously sarcastic person and I have unintentionally hurt people’s feelings without realizing it. I feel terrible about it afterwards, but I genuinely do not mean what I say. I just use sarcasm as a way to communicate with people I care about. In his defense I give him a lot of credit for being more sensitive to you. It is really, really tough to change that behavior when you have grown up your entire life being sarcastic. I know you said you aren’t going to just lighten up (I get it your personality is to not like sarcasm), but at the same time you kind of have to be somewhat understanding since he is changing his personality for you. Does that make sense?
Post # 8
I would let him know that you don’t respond well to that kind of humor, but you are obviously aware that that’s how he acts around others, so you will need to learn to brush it off a bit too.
Post # 9
@deetroitwhat: I know it wasn’t meant to be mean ….in some ways its funny…but I hate being made fun of …. probably because of being bullied as a kid or something but it is his personality and clearly a big part of how he interacts with others so he may be mindful of how i feel when its just me and him but when we are with others I have to figure out how to let a few zingers go by and i don’t know how…
Post # 10
This sounds like a big part of his personality, if you love him for who he is then why are you trying to change who he is?
Wanting him to stop his sacarstic humor is wanting him to change his personality. It’s part of what makes him the man you love and agreed to marry. Lighten up and try to realize that this is not him trying to upset you or be rude towards you, he is trying to be playful and let his personality shine, you need to allow him. to do so.
Post # 11
Mine’s the same way. It frustrates me to no end, but it’s gotten better. It helps when you really come to realize that this is how he is, and that’s not going to change (easily or maybe not at all). Try not to let it bother you. He’s joking. You may not see it that way, but he is.
That being said, tell him you’re sorry for the way you reacted, and then try to get the point across to him calmly. He may still not get it, because it’s just how he was raised. . It could take a long time for him to fully understand why it bothers you and try to change his behavior. It’s been ingrained in him since he was a child, so nothing is going to change anytime soon. Whenever he does it, just calmly remind him that you don’t like that and let it go.
Post # 12
@OtterHalf: yeah we have very diffrent personalities but when we are alone we get along just fine, and he always knows i can take a few jokes here and there but not to over do it, but when hes with friends and family ….. all bets are off
@AJ1982: true i just don’t know how
@Pomapoo: ,@CaliHoya: agree
Post # 13
Agree with many PPs. My motto is you can’t change a man unless he’s in diapers. This is a personality thing, and while he can make some efforts to be more sensitive to how you feel about things, this is kind of the way he is. I know if my Fiance didn’t like my teasing and asked me to stop, I would feel on edge all the time worried I was going to hurt his feelings. Remember, he loves you, he’s not trying to hurt you.
I guess a way to let the comments roll off your back is just to have fun and be playful back, or remind youself that he’s teasing you because that’s how he shows affection.
Post # 14
@drummerbride: i don’t want to change him i just want him to be mindful of my feelings …but its sounding more like a me needing to be more comfy with it if i want a happy egg shell free relationship
Post # 15
@mepayne: True I know its him just having fun and i don’t want to be the big kill joy…
Post # 16
@ambereyez: It does sound to me like you are a bit too sensitive, but at the same time he maybe needs to realize just how sensitive you are.
I am quite a sensitive person but at the same time I am good at dishing it out.. I just can’t take it lol. Some things bother me more than others, and it’s kinda hard to predict what I will take the wrong way. It really just depends on what I am feeling that day. I just try to look at the nature of the comment. Was it intended in ill will? Was it designed to piss me off? Was it designed to hurt me? It doesn’t sound like your bf was doing any of those things.
I think he got the point when you were still mad at him this morning. I am pretty sure he won’t bring up your cooking skills again.
You don’t want to get to the point where he feels like he is walking on eggshells around you, though. I know you can’t help but feel the way you do… but why does it bother you so much the way his family has some good natured ribbing/joking around? My sister and I call each other every name under the sun… jokingly. It’s an affectionate thing. We are not actually being mean to each other. Do you find politically incorrect jokes amusing? It just sounds like you might be a bit too serious for you own good. I know we all have ours quirks and it’s not easy to just lighten up, obviously, but I guess you need to realize that his family acts like that as a weird way to show their love for each other. Lots of people are like that. The intentions are good.