(Closed) How Do You Handle Your S.Os Sexual Past?

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 18
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

My suggestion would be to just shake it off and not let it bother you–if you’re having a tough time moving past it, counseling can help! There’s no reason to still be angry/insecure/whatever over your S.O’s past–yeah, it was a little insensitive for him to phrase it that way, but what can you really do? Shake it off, girl. 🙂 He’s with you now!

Post # 19
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My FI’s past does bug me. I try not to think about it because I know it’s painful for both of us. The actual activities don’t bother me, it’s the why (along with the when and who and where). It’s not a matter of jealousy in the least, so I guess I handle it the way you have to handle other types of past deeds. Accept them for what they are, pray that they learned from those situations and changed for the better.

Post # 20
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

DH and I don’t really know much about each other’s past sex lives. I don’t think it’s important. We’re both healthy, that’s about all I care about. And he has a child with another woman, so yeah…

I would be seriously weirded out if he told me something like “Yeah, so-and-so and I used to get it on in the pool house”

*ears plugged* lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Post # 23
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Mollytov: Agree! 

Wow! Crazy that he just out and told you names and specific situations when you asked him what turns him on! I bet that was a turn-off for you….

Post # 25
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

My s/o talked NONSTOP about his long-distance ex-girlfriend: everything about her, how I would ‘like’ her, how he wanted to send her gifts, and all kinds of details about their sex life. It is still a point of contention for us and we have been dating for three years. When this issue comes into a relationship, it almost NEVER comes away. I don’t think anything should be discussed – not even number of partners in the past. You both go get tested for STDs together, promise to be monogamous and move on with your lives. It is the BEST and easiest way rather than living with the pain of knowing all kinds of details.

 

For anyone who is struggling with this in-depth, please look up retroactive jealousy and purely obsessional OCD. It may help you to get to the bottom of this. His past tortured me for ages. I couldn’t believe how unbelievably cruel it was for him to sit there with a huge smile on his face, like he was longing for the past or something, as he went on to tell me what he did with her.

 

And oftentimes, these relationships are not worth it. If he starts doing it, set out your boundaries IMMEDIATELY. If he continues at all past that, leave. Yes, I do avoid doing things that I know that he did with her to avoid making myself feel like yet another number.

Post # 27
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@Oneeleven:

 

I’m going to tell you that it’s a long and hard battle. I still have very difficult days but keeping my own life more active (working out, working, seeing friends, visiting family, engaging in hobbies) has helped to keep my mind off of it. I still have days where I feel very angry at him and it all feels fresh again – there are still days when I ask myself, “How could he do that to me?” and “How could he POSSIBLY think I would want to hear that garbage?”

I laid out my boundaries – he lied to me about being in contact with her from the start and I told him that was done or I was gone. I was tired of putting up with it. He kept pictures of her everywhere (and made a point of showing me these early on). I told him they needed to be moved off of our computer and backed up to disc if he wanted to keep them. I do regret that I just said “This is going to happen” instead of asking him. And part of me wonders to this day if he WOULDN’T STILL hold onto all of that crap if I just sat back and let him. But I am glad she was FINALLY cast out of his life so we could start to move on with ours. It was always a painful reminder to be on Facebook and to see that his ex was suddenly leaving him comments, asking if he went to certain events, etc.

The funny thing? She never really bothered with him until we started dating. Then, all of a sudden, she wanted to be in touch and leave him messages and send him links. Gag me with a spoon, amirite? The day he finally de-friended her and cut off all contact, suddenly she couldn’t be found on Facebook anymore. HMMM. I think somebody got upset when she was cut off!

We had MANY talks about this issue. Like, you wouldn’t even believe how many. It bothered me and made me super, super depressed so many times. I asked him why he did what he did, but eventually I just kept asking questions and it never soothed me. It was better for me to turn my attention elsewhere, pretend she was dead (yes, this actually helped me – just pretending she no longer existed!), and try to force myself to stop being angry at him for being so incredibly stupid. It’s not easy, like I said. There are still days when I’d love for nothing more than to have a good ol’ scream. But obviously, you can’t do that.

Pushing an ex into your girlfriend’s face is one of the cruelest things you can do to her. Because when that’s done, he is saying, “You aren’t good enough. I wish I were with my ex-girlfriend,” or, “My ex is better than you.” There is nothing more devaluing, especially when the break-up happened years in the past and your own relationship has been going for several months or years. No woman should tolerate it. If I could go back in time, yes, I would have broken up with him with the information that I had at the time. But I was too fearful of rocking the boat and too worried that I was being unreasonably jealous. But no woman should have to endure being second best to a GHOST!

Of course he insists that he had no feelings for her, that he simply thought she was an ok person, and all of that other garbage – but I am not stupid. Look to a person’s actions to figure it out. In the case of a man clinging to an ex, either he’s not over the relationship or he still loves her and/or wants to be with her. That’s really about all there is to it.

I joined some message boards dealing with purely obsessional OCD/retroactive jealousy. I also bought some books – “If this is love, why do I feel so insecure?’ but more importantly than that, “Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures.” The latter is one of the best books out there for helping with jealousy and analyzing the reasons why people experience it. I am still considering going to therapy, but honestly have been managing to do all right for several months now.

Of course, we had other problems in our relationship too – from the start of our relationship, we barely ever had sex (1 – 2 times a month tops; sometimes with gaps of 2 to 3 months in between) and I was rejected constantly. It didn’t help that he sat there with a huge smile chronicling his sex life with his ex-girlfriend.

RJ is more common in people who don’t have much of a sexual past, who don’t feel good about themselves, who have a history of depression, etc. – and treating some of those can help you to feel better about yourself. When I started to lose weight, people started checking me out more and people started noticing, I started feeling BETTER about myself. But this whole thing is ridiculous anyways, as his ex-girlfriend is far less physically attractive than I am – but that doesn’t matter when it comes to RJ. She was still a threat.

He did stop his behavior, but it is still grating when he brings up stories that I already KNOW involved his ex – he just omits her name. It makes me roll my eyes. The damage is already done. If he’s going to bring up anything involving her, he may as well say her name. Usually, he won’t do this with me, but when we were in a mixed setting and I’m present, he’ll do it. I understand he’s trying to be respectful but when I already know the story, he’s best off to just not bring up the story.

I have heard enough about his ex-girlfriend to last a lifetime. I still cringe when anything related to her – the state she lived in, her favorite beer – are brought up. I know way more details about this woman than I EVER should have known. And no, I don’t think you ever completely get over it. It is very, very painful.

 

Post # 28
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yeah, I can see why you’re wondering about everything and what we all have experienced. I know the number of partners my Fiance has been with, which okay, didn’t bother me too too much…but then I heard some of the Too Much Information details and those are forever stuck in my head and I dont like thinking about them. Then again, we ended up discussing everything since it was already leaked by accident now we both know everything of each others pasts. Do I like to know about it and think about it? no, but I also know that with all the other girls it was just sex, and with me its more than that.

But you really cant help but to be irked a little once you find out things you didnt want to in the first place, so I totally see where you’re coming from! lol

Post # 29
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

double post.

Post # 30
Member
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

This is one instance where abstinence is awesome!. I find it hard to believe a woman never thinks nor cares about her partners past. and visa-versa.

The topic ‘How Do You Handle Your S.Os Sexual Past?’ is closed to new replies.

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