(Closed) How Do You Handle Your S.Os Sexual Past?

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 46
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

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@RiverRunning: Oh my god, sorry to hear that! Honestly, reading that post made me cringe. I think that if my Boyfriend or Best Friend said stuff like that to me, I’d have such a hard time getting over it.

I made sure to tell him early on in our relationship that I am not very comfortable with talking about previous boyfriends and girlfriends. We know the basics; why the previous relationships ended and how long the relationships lasted, and what we learned from them, but beyond that I see no need to talk about it. Boyfriend or Best Friend has no problems with that and respects my boundaries. You deserve to be with someone who respect your boundaries as well. I’d be so mortified if my Boyfriend or Best Friend told me that thinking about his ex’s mouth makes him happy :-O It seems to me that you’ve always felt like second best in this relationship, and you’re having a hard time moving past it. If you really want to stay with him, maybe counselling will help?

Post # 47
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I am a shamefully admitted jealous person.  Before I was introduced to my Fiance, his sister (who introduced us) told me about his past.  She told me that his first girlfriend was a stripper and soo super skinny.  Well, I’m not skinny at all and am way too shy to ever strip.  So, I was insecure from the get-go.  I thought he wouldn’t like me when we met, but he did. 

Later, I discovered that a lot of things Future Sister-In-Law had told me were just mean things she made up to make me jealous.  Now, I’m a lot more secure (although I still sometimes get jealous/insecure because all of FI’s past interests were thin) because Fiance has cleared his sister’s lies up.  For instance, his ex, he was only with for three months and NEVER loved or said he loved her.  She only stripped for a day because she ended up getting arrested for touching a guy inappropriately.  So, she wasn’t some wild, freaky, stripping sex goddess, like I’d imagined.

I try to put FI’s sexual past out of my mind.  But, there is always that bitterness there.  He had sex with another girl who has been a friend of his sister’s since they were babies.  It was only one time, but he told me that the movie 300 was on when they had sex.  I’m not sure why on Earth he told me that, but now I don’t ever want to watch that movie (not that I ever did).  Unfortunately, a lot of his family members are still friendly with this girl.  I’m sure, one day, I’ll end up meeting her. 

No, I never asked Fiance about his sex life.  His sister told me before I even met him.  I did ask him to clear up some things about what I’d heard, when I realized that all Future Sister-In-Law does is lie, and I found out the truth.  I just reassure myself with the knowledge that I am the ONLY girl who he has ever brought to family functions, proposed to, lived with, etc.

Post # 48
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My DH will occassionally mention a story with an ex or mention his sexual history although he does this less and less as time goes on.  The way I handle it now is I sarcastically say, oh good I LOOOOVE when you talk about your exes.  And then he’ll stop.  I honestly didn’t have much to worry about because he never really had a long term girlfriend before me it was just a few random situations or girls he dated for a few months.  It is annoying when he brings people up though.  It’s still unsettling even though we’re already married.  On the flip side though I sometime bring up exes in stories too.

Post # 49
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

We’ve never gone into details.  I just know numbers and how his first time happened.  The other thing is he has never had a serious girlfriend before me so most of the times were just college hook-ups.  Nothing I wanted to know about!

Post # 51
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

FIs one night stand ended in a child so it isn’t as if I can just ignore it. I don’t care about how many people he has been with, I’m no peach either. Neither of us has asked exact number and frankly if he asked, I wouldn’t answer. It’s something that is better left un-said. His ex (one night stand ending in a baby lady), yeah she is like 7 years older than me and about 200 lbs heavier than I am. I have struggled with that for a very long time because I feel like that was the type of woman he went for when in reality it was beer goggles….

Post # 53
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

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@Oneeleven: She is spiteful and I’m sure she sees me as the “skinny bitch”. I don’t like her because she is mean and manipulative to my stepson. She tells him things about us and my Mother-In-Law that aren’t true. I have pretty much washed my hands of the situation. He has a mom, he doesn’t need another one so I have adopted the role of his friend. I never wanted to date someone with children, EVER. But when you find the one, there’s no denying it. I used to be very angry about the situation I was in but lately it was come together for me.

Wow, now I am curious how many, haha. When we first got together, it was pretty apparent that there was no need to discuss past since we had only the future to worry about. We’re also STD free so it’s a whole new chapter, no need to page back to the old crappy ones haha.

Post # 54
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@Oneeleven: So glad you are seeing a therapist about this. I remember a post from a long time ago where you were dealing with this. I know for me, it got better once we got married. As we approach the 1 year mark (he’s been arried before and filed for separation right before their one year anni), I feel better and better.

But there is that crazy, bikini model ex that still floats around. But as I hear about her life (yes, they are still FB friends), I feel better and better. Her life is very chaotic and he always let’s me know how much happier he is with me and not her.

I mostly do the denial and ignorance is bliss route. Not to mention, I have as many (if not more) things that he could be upset about. So we just don’t talk about past sex life stuff.

Post # 55
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

How about finding a sex tape!???? Arrgg.. I was so dumb. I watched the damned thing even though I was 99.9% sure I knew that’s what it was.

I wish I could take that away. I have to push the images aside EVERY time we have sex now. It’s AWFUL.

The good thing is, I knew that Fiance didn’t even know he still had it and I know that he didn’t purposely keep it for any reason. I found it by complete accident cleaning out a random container and the way it was wrapped up I knew it was something “special” from long ago…..and dumb, stupid me, I had to frickin watch the thing to be sure that’s what it was. I could puke again just writing this.

 

Post # 56
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@Wannabe-diy-bride: Ugh! I feel horrible and it’s not even my (or my DH) sex tape!! How do you get over that?

Why do we torture ourselves?! DH would ask me questions about my past and I would make sure, ‘are you sure you want to know this?’. I would ask several times, before I would answer. He always regreted it. He wanted to know, but he didn’t want to *know*, if you know what I mean-lol. I finally had to just refuse to answer his questions.

Post # 57
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

i don’t have detailed knowledge of it and i don’t care.   all i know is whatever/whoever he did gave him some great practice because he sure knows his way around the female body. 

i don’t think he was a huge manwhore or anything, he’s actually quite shy with women.  but he’s very attentive i guess you could say.  

 

oh and we’ve run into each other’s exes several times.  i see his ex more than i’d like to but it’s because they all have the same friends and we’ll see her at a party or something.  she’s actually on my facebook friends list, but i wouldn’t say we’re chummy or anything.

Post # 59
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@KoiKove: How did I get over it? Similar fashion to @Oneeleven:’s experience! Although his ex has a nice body there were things about it that I had to force myself to focus on when the images would come into my head. I had to basically find the flaws in her that I knew were positives in me…specifically body things. And it REALLLLLY ‘helped” that they weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary or kinky or anything. It was standard ole’ missionary and didn’t look exciting. So when Fiance has told me that their sex life sucked….I totally believe it! If you were making a sex tape wouldn’t you put out all the stops?? haha!  But of course EVERY time we’re in missionary it doesn’t last too long and I need a different position…the image SEARED in my memory.

As far as talking to Fiance about it, he tried saying it must be a tape of his son’s birthday or something, and he brushed it off (later I found out he was mortified but iddn’t want me to know what it was, and he threw it away). I left the room for awhile trying to decide if I should tell him or not. I finally admitted to him that I watched it because I started wondering if maybe he DID keep the damned thing, thinking it REALLY was his son’s bday tape! I didn’t want the tape to pop back into our lives again in the future, so I had to finally admit that I watched it and that I wanted him to destroy it. He already had, so it was good. It also helped that I KNOW for a fact he had no idea it even still existed. I found it in an old junk drawer of his that he NEVER EVER goes in and it’s literally a bunch of like cables for random electronics and some extra socks.  It’s the exact reason I went in that drawer — I was trying to find something to weigh down his Xmas present with because I put some NHL tickets in a big box to throw him off. I put like 20 pairs of socks in the box…and the tape was tucked inside one pair.

And like oneeleven said, I can’t really be mad at him for things I did in my past…I was just much smarter to GET RID of the crap before moving in with him!!! 🙂

Post # 60
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Two biggest reasons that I never made a sex tape– being found by future SO and being able to see my own not so flattering body parts!

Glad you two were able to move on from it.

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