(Closed) How do you have the timeline talk?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

@amberdk:  Oh this is always a tricky one. Do you know if he has money set aside already for the down payment on the house? The ring doesn’t have to be an expensive purchase if you guys look at different options and express your expectations of what the ring should be honestly to one another.

Have you talked about marriage before and both have said it’s what you want? Or are you trying to see if/when he wants to get married and if/hope that it’s to you?

Assuming you’ll be living in the house he’s purchasing, maybe let him know you’d like having the security of an engagement before buying (what will be) your house.

Hope that was even a teensy bit helpful!

Post # 4
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You say Boyfriend or Best Friend is looking at houses….. how much are you “included” in this process?  Is he finding out what you want in a house… consulting you about location, amenities, financing etc?  You may have your answer right there.  If he’s not including you in his purchase of living arrangement for the next 30 years…. then I would say having a timeline conversation isn’t necessary.

However, if he’s including you…. then you can bring up things…. like schools.  Are they important to him?  Does he want to have children?  When would he want to have them?  Does he want to get married before he has kids…. etc etc etc.

Rather than have a timeline ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU to give him the power to decide WHEN he wants to marry you…. you need to get his timeline for his life.  Then YOU have the power to decide if you want to be in that timeline… and in that life.  As he is giving you answers you can throw in what you think…. so, “are you considering schools…. do you want kids?”  He says “not really”  you say “Oh really, I always wanted one child…. what do you think about that?”.  This will ease you in, but since you are LISTENING to what he has to say (instead of demanding he marry you, all needy like) he should be more open and willing to discuss what HE wants out of life.

Good Luck 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with 3xacharm, are you buying together or it’s his house?

I don’t know your financial sitatuon, but we could not do both. We wanted to get a house first because the cost is lower at the moment and it’s getting higher by the day. Are you talking about your life together in the future or a timeline for that engagement?

Post # 7
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

To be honest….. if he is buying a house I don’t know that you can say that you want a ring first without sounding extremely pushy.  His timeline idea is clearly different than yours, but I don’t think any harm would come from having an open conversation about it. 

 

I think if you were putting in for the house as well and you two were buying it together then it would be completely fair for you to want your ring first.  Since it’s just him though…. I don’t know,… I just don’t think it’s fair to him.

 

I do think you should ask him specifically what his timeline is though so you both can get on the same page going forward.

 

Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I’d agree with everyone here, and I think one way of coming off as non-needy and non-pushy is to focus on being curious and inquisitive. 

Like you mentioned, the best way to come off as pushy and needy is to simply spend the entire conversation saying things like “I’d like to be married by x age” etc. You mentioned that you wanted a timeline for both the buying of the house and an engagement, and perhaps starting with asking about the house will break the ice for the engagement timeline talk, or at least make it feel less forced.

Post # 11
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

GREAT!!! I’m happy things worked out =D

Post # 12
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I had a very hard time bringing it up without sounding like I was being too pushy. “We” bought a house in May… I say “we” because I am a student, so he is the one who has put out most of the money for this. I was VERY involved in the buying process though, and my name is on the mortgage as well as his. 

Personally, I just explained that it doesn’t make sense to me that the proposal/engagement is left completely up to the man… it is a BIG DEAL, and involves BOTH of our lives and moving forward TOGETHER. I told him (very calmly and nicely!) that I want to be involved in the process, and he was ok with that. We picked out a ring together, but he ordered it and I don’t know any details about when it will be here (it could be here already for all I know!), and the actual proposal will be all his.

It’s a delicate balance, for sure!

 

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