(Closed) How do you justify your remarriage?

posted 11 years ago in Encore
Post # 17
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Like somebody said before me, re-marriage (or marriage) should NEVER be “justified”.

What your mom did to you had more to do with relocating than with getting married again. 

Some women derive all their worth from being in a relationship, true and wrong. Some others derive all their worth from their kids, equally true and equally WRONG.

A proper parent should be able to be an individual first and foremost, ie to be able not to depend on their partners OR their kids. People are quick to judge who depends on their partner, but somehow sanctifies who depends on their kids – forgetting that taking decision with another person’s head is WRONG, no matter who that other person is.

In all likelihood, your mom was just trying to be happy… and in so doing she didn’t think about the impact that relocating would have on your and your brother. It’s pretty much the same thing we brides-to-be do when we start talking about our wedding plans with our friends WITHOUT understanding the impact it will have on their life.

Admire your mom for what she did… years ago it wasn’t easy, and she was trying to be happy.

Post # 18
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am the child of divorced parents and my father remarried. Honestly, my father and now step-mom both asked for my and my sister’s blessings before they married (and said that they wouldn’t marry if we weren’t good with it). I don’t know if they will ever really know how much that meant (and still means) to me that they care so much about what I think.

I’m sorry that all of that happend – sometimes I think parents put their own romantic relationships above their children’s emotional needs which is… sad and unfortunate.

Bella

Post # 20
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m not sure why you think “most people don’t even consider their children when they enter into a relationship.”  I would think that most people do consider their children. They are very concerned about finding a relationship which won’t be harmful to their kids in any way, and might actually bring some benefit to the family unit.  There are some people who are selfish and will marry some guy knowing he’s a jerk to their kids, but I really can’t believe that that is the case most of the time.  I think you’re wrong to extrapolate from the stories of some bad remarriages to say that most women who remarry don’t care about their kids.  That’s a really harsh accusation to make. 

Life and love are not zero-sum games.  There are plenty of times where an adult can find romantic love for themselves without sacrificing on bit of their love and care for their children.

Post # 21
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Future Mrs. Taylor, I am sorry you had such a negative upbringing. However, you are making some sweeping generalizations that are not supported. I think it is unfounded and sort of rude to say that “most people don’t even consider their children when they enter a relationship” because so many bees replying before you have proven that untrue. You personally had a bad experience, but it is really unfair for you to judge other parents and brides based on that.

Post # 23
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You are not “being attacked;” we just pointed out your overgeneralization that could also be offensive to the very women whose choices you are criticizing. Of course there are those few out there who do not think of their children, but that is the opposite of what you said.

Post # 24
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I understand you have your thoughts on what you’d do if you were a divorced mother, Future Mrs. Taylor, but it’s difficult to know what to do unless you’ve walked in my shoes.

My son is first in my life, equal but very different relationship than with T, but T knows I was a mom before his wife and we’re very clear on how we parent and my son is completely thrilled and loves his stb stepdad more than words can say. 

Imagine being 33 and having to begin your life all over, as a young mother with a spouse who cheated.  Mine remarried his wife and she was pregnant (he got her pregnant when he was married to me ok?)and I was devastated.  Wow.  That’s definitely not a scenario I’d wish on my worst enemy, and it’s something you don’t ever think will happen to you.

I began anew, lived a very moral life, didn’t even date for a very long time (several years), have been a dedicated mom, and if my Fiance wasn’t 100 percent happy to be in it with us, and wanted to be a stepdad (he’s really more of a dad in fact) to my son, then I would not be remarrying.  Nobody thinks their life will change, but mine did in an instant, and I made the very best out of a negative situation as I’m a lemon to lemonade kinda person.

Most of the encore brides I’ve ever met are great moms too.   Being a parent isn’t necessarily a biological thing.  I know amazing parents who have adopted, and I know some of the most amazing single parents, and I also know parents who have remarried who have great relationships and are amazing stepdads and stepmoms too.  It’s HOW you handle the situation you’re in, and WHERE your priorities are placed which determines imho, the best situation for a child.  Quite frankly, ten years ago if you asked me this question, I might have felt exactly as you did.  But life taught me I had to change my way of thinking and do the very best I could do, with the situation given to me.

Yes, I’ve seen some remarriages which needed a tweak or two or were rushed into, but I’ve seen just as many first marriages that made me wanna go hmmmmm.

Post # 25
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Different people do different things for different reasons. FutureMrsTaylor, your situation, while tragic, does not ring true for each and every remarriage situation. I think it’s actually incredibly brave to go into a second marriage, especially if you’ve been badly burned by the first. While some people may rush into marriage, not recognizing the consequences, there are others that weigh their decisions with the proper gravity the situation deserves.

Perhaps while preparing for your own impeding marriage, you’ve found yourself examining your mother’s past to make sense of what you’re going into? If so, completely understandable. I myself have done the same thing. If you want to talk, we’re here (wedding bee, not me and my personalities. I swear). But this is a really diverse topic, and I think it deserves to be handled delicately.

Post # 26
Member
2148 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have never been married, but my Fiance was married before. He has two sons 19 & 24 and I have a 12 year old daughter. It has been me and her her whole life and I have always sheltered her from the guys that I have dated. She has been introduced to a grand total of 2 guys that I have dated in her almost 13 years of life…number 2 on the list being my Fiance.

It was important to me that she is comfortable in her home and that she knows without a shadow of a doubt that my Fiance will never hurt her or mistreat her. Why? Because he took the time to get to know her as an individual. He has proven that he can be trusted with her and with me. He values her and her place in my life. The same way I value his boys and their place in his. This is why he asked my daughter for my hand in marriage, and not my parents. My parents will still have the same lifestyle whether I am married or not, it’s my daughter’s life that will be changing and so I wanted her to feel a part of the decisions that were being made.

Did I consider staying single until my daughter was an adult? Sure. But I think it would be absolutely the wrong thing to do. I think she will only benefit from seeing a relationship that works. From interacting with a man who does what it takes to be a good husband, and a good father. To see her mom being treated with respect and with caring and with love. Single parents are people too. Life doesn’t stop just because we have kids to take care of. We deserve love and meaningful relationships just like those without kids do. We can be mindful of the needs of our children while having a relationship as well.

I don’t think it’s anything that needs to be justified.

Post # 28
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yes, it wasn’t fair to you or any of the kids for your mom to do that.  People are weak, though, and she probably has a lot of issues to be switching husbands.  She probably thought that she couldn’t make it on her own.  Also, you don’t know what she went through as a kid.  People usually continue what happens to them unless they get therapy.

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