(Closed) How do you keep the baby from becoming your life?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

It’ll be interesting to see what people say to this!  I’ve always been nervous about it too — but I’ll have plenty of time to think on it before we start having kids πŸ™‚

My Fiance and I were talking once about how often his parents would go on trips just alone.  Not a ton, obviously, but making sure they took weekends away or a full week every couple years or so.  But I think his family is especially lucky in that his grandparents were the GREATEST babysitters.  When they were kids, my Fiance and his sisters loved when their parents left on vacation.  Haha.  Might not be the best for many people if they don’t have nearby relatives they could drop kids with and/or the money to do it.  

Post # 4
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I remember when I was little my mom always telling me, "You’re just passing through!"

She got the line from a homily at church- the priest was reminding parents that they were married before they had kids, and they’d be married after the kids were grown and gone- so they better be sure to nurture their marriage so that it was healthy when it was just the 2 of them again.

I think it was wonderful advice- to remember that you’re kids are only passing through.

Post # 5
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2005 - Westside Loft, New York

all i know is — i will never say my kid is the cutest kid in the world. πŸ™‚

we’ve had four years together before kids, and yes i would have liked to have kids by now, but i don’t regret the four years we’ve had to ourselves.  if you can wait, do it! 

Post # 6
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I don’t have kids so obviously I am not faced with this challenge (yet).  I have the same fears as you Sapphire, but I think it is most important to everyday to take time each day for just the two of you and equally important take trips (either long or short) to discover each other again. 

It’s all about maintaining a nuturing relationship, what got you to marriage in the first place πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

This is really interesting! My parents have had disagreements about this. My father says your spouse comes first, only then can you have a healthy foundation for your kids. My mom says your kids are your babies, you’d do anything for them, and they come first. It’s an interesting way of thinking. I do worry about this, because my Fiance and I will be trying for kids 6 months after we move in together, about a year after we are married. Darn the military keeping us married folks apart! I’m worried we’re going to "miss out" on a lot of "us" time that we haven’t had due to our long distance relationship. I’m determined to have dates and not let the guilt take over if we need a weekend off. We figure, his sister has kids, we can trade off babysitting. One really crazy kid-filled weekend for one non crazy kid-filled weekend. We NEED our dates and weekends away and us time. My parents didn’t have family nearby and couldn’t hire a babysitter for us, so my brother and I went EVERYWHERE with them. I always wondered when they got time to themselves

Post # 8
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think family first….when it’s just the two of you…you two first, but of course when that baby comes around, they are part of the family.

The distinction comes forward when someone puts someone else first always.  There will be a balance.  There will be times when you will not be able to make love because you are so exhausted from dealing with your baby’s constant ear infection.  It happens.  There will also be times when you will leave your child with a reliable baby sitter so that the two of you can go be the two of you.

And there will also be times when the three (or four or five or six) of you could not imagine being apart.  Those are the best times.

Budget your time.  Allow yourself to play favorites on each side from time to time. 

Aaaaaaaand, this advice is spouted from a non-mom, so I might be totally full of S#!t.  πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@ Mr Bee…you’re kidding right? You’ll totally say that, probably every day and most of the time it’ll be after you see another cute kid…or an ugly one for that matter. πŸ™‚

 

This is a topic I know a ton about…considering I have a a 4.5 year old daughter and a 5.5 year old marriage.

Here are things we do…

Have date nights once a week, sometimes more if my parents are itching to see the girl. We have lots of help which makes this really easy, but even if you don’t it’s totally worth the money.

When we’re out at dinner, etc. we don’t talk about Lil the whole time. We do talk about funny things she’s done or said or school, but we also work in work, hobbies, each other, sexy talk… πŸ™‚

We take one family vacation and one couple vacation a year. And before you think these are super cool vacations, usually the family one is to the beach and couple one is to the ABA yearly meeting, so his firm pays for our hotel/his flight and meals etc., but it’s always in a fun city and we eat great, sleep in and sightsee in his free time.

He’s my best friend and I’m his. I could never replace him and he knows it. God forbid, if something happened to our sweet daughter, we could have another child. We could never replace her, but it’s just different. It’s not something I really like to think that would ever happen, of course, but it’s true.  

Being pregnant and having Lil has made us a stronger, happier couple and it’s made us a family, which is something I can’t even begin to describe. It’s a great feeling to know that you’ve made a little unit.

Honestly though, some people just can’t help but become all about their kids. I think it just depends on the marriage, the person, the child even. Different circumstances will make anybody become all baby/all the time.

If anybody has any other questions about how to balance the two, I’ll try and give an answer to it. It’s not easy, but it’s totally worth it. 

Post # 10
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

@KateMW – That was Mrs. Bee, not me!

Post # 11
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

My Fiance and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. 2 1/2 years ago we had a daughter together. She is the greatest thing that ever could have happened to us and we only became closser from this.  Everyone wanted us to do the right thing (as they called it) and get married before we had her or even right after. Despite the unconditional love we had for eachother we both agreed that we would not get married because we were having a child together. We moved into a house together, welcomed our new baby girl and we have been the happiest ever since. My Fiance proposed Dec. 07 and we are anxiously awaiting our wedding. Our beautiful daughter and will be flower girl and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Becoming parents just makes your relationship and love stronger. Being that we have lived together for almost 3 years and do all the stuff married couples do, we joke that already are married all the time. Needless to say having a child doesn’t take away from your marriage, it only comes make it stronger. You can be a great mother and wife at the same time. It’s all about balance. And getting a babysitter occasionally so you can have date nights with the Mr. πŸ™‚ This is important πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not gonna lie.  Kids do change your life.  Life seems to become about them, and no longer about you.  I don’t think there is a way not to have a child of your own, not completely change your world.  Think about it.  You are now responsible for a min you.  You cry more freely when you see that a kid has been abducted or needs heart surgery, on the news.  Or if you are like me, you sob at that scene in Cold Mountain, when the soldiers put the sick baby on the ground in the cold, without a blanket or anything.  But in some ways, having your world turned upside down is a good thing.  (Nothing personal to people who don’t want children, but I think there is something about having kids, that you suddenly get "it".  You understand more things about life and the world.  Maybe it’s just me….)

It is a great idea to go on date nights etc. (I bet I’m not the only one here living away from family.  That makes it kind of hard to go on date nights.)  Ehh, you roll with the punches.  take a moment when you can.  And before you know it, they’re old enough to babysit themselves.

Post # 13
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Mr. Bee…sorry! My eyes are playing tricks on me tonight.

 

@Tanya~ I have a lot of friends who trade nights with friends, so that everybody can do out. It works really well and it’s free! 

Post # 14
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@ Tanya,

I have to completely agree with you. I know for me personally it would be so hard not to let the kids become the biggest thing in our lives. My best plan of attack to maintain the US would be to steal every 20 minutes the baby is sleeping/napping for alone time. There’s no given that there will be family nearby or friends with kids nearby to trade time with.

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