(Closed) How do you keep your long distance/deployed FI involved?

posted 9 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Hey! i planned a wedding for 15 months while my Fiance was in Iraq. Then the last 5 months he’s been here, but 5 states away

I send him pics and wait for confirmation on anything big since he had email. But now i can call him since he’s here. I’ms orry he’s deploying, it’s definitely not fun. We lived on 30 minute a week phone calls. 

Feel free to PM me anytime if you just need a little sympathy or advice =].

 I sent my Fiance an email update EVERY SINGLE DAY of what I did. What i ate, what tv show I watched, etc. He said it was the best thing i did to make him feel connected. Anything i would mention over the phone, i put in an email. 10 weeks isn’t so bad at least!  consider yourself lucky if you can =]

Post # 4
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Being the deployed member of the relationship, I second ejs4y8‘s advice.  When you’re deployed, every day is the same.  You never have news to send home, and it’s boring.  It’s great to get a daily update because it makes this day different from the last.  As to keeping him involved, that depends on how involved he was in the first place and how much communication you can do.  I would just keep him updated on ongoing projects (finishing programs, picking dress colors, etc.).  He may not be able to provide input, but updates will keep him interested, even if not involved.

Post # 7
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This isn’t so much about wedding planning, but while my FH was in Iraq (he’s now in Kuwait), I would spend the time I was lonely for him making packages for him. That is not to say that I gave up everything else, but if I were lonely….we were able to talk most days via phone, unless satellites were resetting. But at the lonely times I did things like buying a bag of 40 plastic Easter eggs.  I would put messages inside, or candy, Bible passages, and even the tail light of my car – just to show him I could replace these things myself.

 Now we visit via iChat and he takes on half the planning. He works 7 days a week and 12 to 16 hours a day. I think military time is 8 hour days and if he stationed in a place with a phone, he can call on some thing. This way he is planning and it not just you. 

 

You could also take a college night course, that might help take up some of your time that you are waiting for him, thus feeling lonely. Or sign up for a kniting class or yoga, recruit friends to have a dinner together. 

Best of luck.

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, 10 weeks is all relative! If you’ve never done it beofre, 10 weeks is awful! If you’re a seasoned veteran (like myself, lol) 10 weeks sounds like a welcome relief. That being said, anything like this is always hard.

I sent my Fiance a care package as soon as I could. the food SUCKED where he was. He really loved things he couldn’t heat up like bags of chips and spaghettios (he ate them cold) and those little drink packets of gatorade to dump in water. I always sent him good night videos of me at least twice a week or before i got all drwssed up to go out just to remind him how cute i was =]. I also sent him videos of my cats playing, but mostly just to irritate the crap out of him.

I started going to the gym….a LOT. Otherwise you sit around and eat ice cream and watch chick flicks on Friday nights. I was determined to have fun so I was always bugging my friends to go out, see a movie, have girl "date nights" and get all dressed up, etc. By the time my Fiance made it home permanently, i’d gone from a 10/12 to an 8. I also started doing lots of DIY for the wedding and I took up pilates and recently, ballet! So it’s a neat time to find a hobby or just enjoy some peace. The first month is the hardest. It’s the "shock" phase. Then it’s like "Ok i can do this. I refuse to be miserable for the time he’s gone" and you just put your head down and roll with the punches. I also sent E-cards when i knew he was having a bummy week

Most of all, try not to be too selfish and cry on the phone to him. I didn’t realize this, but it makes it SOOOOO MUCH HARDER on them to know that they are the cause of your pain. I always told my Fiance how much I missed him, but I kept my really down, sad, bummed moments to myslef for a friend to pick me up. Otherwise you bring him down, too. You know what I mean, it’s just that every time he calls you, he’s looking for a friendly voice, not a person who’ll cry and be so upset on the phone he knows it’ll jsut ruin his day. I had a few cry days here and there where I just had a bad week, needed a hug, and couldn’t get one. I guess what i’m trying to say is try to make sure you’re in a good mood when you’re goign to talk to him. And the first few times you miss his phone call will really upset you. I burst into tears in the middle of my sorority house b/c i left my pho9ne in my room while i went to the bathroom and I didn’t hear back for a week. It’s really frustrating. But it’s all part of the game =(

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m guessing your FI’s an officer since he’s a pilot. My Fiance ws an officer and they get more freedom than enlisted guys. Which means they get more internet access. So fear not, because every night we got to chat (almost, unless the internet was being lame) on yahoo messenger. It makes a huuuuge difference =]

Post # 10
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

These girls have already given some fantastic advice! I second the care packages idea. I tried to send my Fiance (he was my boyfriend during our last deployment) a package weekly. Sometimes they were small things and other times I’d send cookies and goodies for him to share with his crew. Let me tell you, you can earn MAJOR brownie points (literally) with the stuff I’d send for him to share.

Get used to emailing – I was constantly on my computer emailing him stuff. I also sent him a letter every day and I numbered it so we could make sure that they all got there (two letters are still missing). Basically, just keep communication as open and as often as possible. And, this is so much easier said than done, but be patient if you don’t hear from him as much as you’d like. 

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to. My Fiance will be deploying again in August, so I’m gearing up to go through another one. Oh! And we’re long distance as it is (he’s in Georgia and I’m in New Mexico) so we know all too well about how to keep communication lines open! You’ll do great. 

Post # 11
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Oh hey, I’m getting married on 9/5 too, but of this year. Anyways, I’m in that same boat currently, no pun intended since my Fiance is in the Navy.  My Fiance is currently deployed and doesn’t return until 1 month before the wedding (God-willing). We’ve lived long distance most of our relationship.  So even in the beginning stages of the wedding planning it was difficult.  When he came to visit we looked at rings, and went cake tasting.  We’ve stayed at the hotel we are having our ceremony and reception.  I send him pictures of the different vendor things, like the flowers, dresses, invitations stuff like that.  He’s met the photographer at our engagement session and loved him.  I was even able to get our dj to cut my Fiance a mix of ihs music.  I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not, but he’s given me the green light on making the decisions. Which is good because there are many times where we have no type of cimmunication throughout his deployment.   But if it was up to him he would just get married in Vegas, but he knows how important this is to me.  However, when I am making any decisions I most definetely keep my Fiance in mind.

 As far as staying sane while he’s deployed, the girls above have given you great advice.  As I said, my Fiance is in the Navy.  There are times where we have no communication at all especially when they are on certain missions (no email, nada, zip).  I do email him though so that when they open email communication again he is flooded with caring emails for me.  It’s tough I’m not gonna lie, even care packages don’t get to him all the time. My family ad friends are a great support system and most definetely keep myself busy with work and school. 

The best thing about deployment is the coming home.  The emails and phone calls when we have them are great.  He is so loving and caring, and this brings us closer together.  I look forward to those days to keep me smiling.  Today actually marks his halfway point.  So I’m SUPER excited because the time has gone my so quick, I hope the next few months go by just as quick.  I look forward to him being home.  Best of luck, and if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me!

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