Post # 1
My fiance and I have been engaged since Oct. 2014 and our wedding date is 31 days away. Over the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing a feeling of dread and questioning if marrying him is the right thing to do and if we are truly ready for it. I moved hundreds of miles away from where I’m from a little over a year ago to be with him and miss my family so much it hurts. We have been fighting a lot, especially in the past couple weeks due to the stress and anxiety I’m going through. I feel as though we aren’t making each other want to be better people and are just existing together. I honestly think we are better people without each other. We aren’t working towards a happy life and can’t seem to work out our problems in a constructive manner. He gets very defensive and never really tries to make me feel better if I come to him with something that upsets me.
Another concern of mine is that we have been on and off for about a decade now and I’m not sure at this time. Shouldn’t I know by now? Honestly everything was fine until I started having doubts a couple of weeks ago. I began to examine who we are together. He has said numerous times he was happier before I moved to be with him and his life was a lot less stressful. He also drinks way too much and smokes weed, which I do not want in my life. That is how he deals with his problems. I have found him passed out in his vehicle a handful of times after driving home from a bar drunk and it really scares me but I know it is because of the stress I am putting on him. I’m extremely high strung and intense, he is extremely laid back. I have pleaded with him to call me to get him if he drinks too much but he has too much pride to ever do that. While drinking is not a huge part of my life, I do not want my SO to be 100% against it however he is excessive.
Another thing is he is in a ton of debt and doesn’t seem to be too concerned with it; or he is but REFUSES to discuss it with me. Bills will sit on the counter for weeks at a time and we have almost had our electricity turned off. I tell him I want to get a house together which he does too but says it will have to be in my name because my credit score is just about perfect.
I hate that I’m putting this all out there about him and I don’t want to bash him (and it hurts when other people say negative things about him to me) because I love him so much and literally from the moment I met him I knew I wanted him in my life forever. I keep envisioning my life without him – starting over and being back with my family. I imagine the emptiness I will feel without him and do not know if I can deal with always wondering “what if?”.
I asked him if we could postpone the wedding a couple times, the most recent time being last night and he is completely against that idea. He asked me last night to tell me how we are going to tell our guests and when I’m moving out. I think we may be past the point of salvaging this. Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated. How can I know if I’m doing the right thing?
Post # 2
Love is not enough.
You know it is time to call off a wedding when the thought of spending your life with someone fills you with more stress than deciding not to marry him.
Post # 3
Don’t have a lot of constructive advice…but from what you’ve said, I think calling it off is DEFINITELY the right thing to do, for many reasons. Whatever you do, good luck. I know how scary it is to start over, but I promise it will all work out!
Post # 4
Thank you. I’m so afraid of the guilt I’ll feel for hurting him. I honestly just want us both to be happy. He really has done so much for me and we have been through a lot together but I don’t think it is supposed to be this hard…
Post # 5
RUN!!!! Canceling now is cheaper than the divorce. I WISH I had someone the first time around to tell me to get the hell out and now I am divorced.
The things you pointed out are not minor. Let me tell you, after marriage, any problems you had before would be exacerbated. Follow your gut. It is trying to warn you to not make a detrimental mistake.
Post # 6
It sounds like there are a lot of things you need to process before proceeding with a wedding. If he was a loving, patient and kind partner to you then he would be willing to postpone the wedding. The fact that it is a deal breaker for him really makes me wonder whether he is the right one for you. Of course I am saying this as an outisder so I can only offer my insight based on what you have shared.
Post # 7
One more thing…a non negotiable trait you need in a husband is he knows how to fight fair and is mature during the process. You cannot compromise this. Your life will be a living hell and you will start to walk on eggshells. Imagine when you start to have kids and bring them into this mess. Plus, he has alcohol issues…just no.
Post # 8
- Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017
time to pack a bag and go home. How do you know, you know, you know. Be brave I wish l had the first time round.
Post # 9
Two people can love each other and also not be right for each other. If you’ve been off and on for a decade and haven’t worked out your issues, I don’t see how marriage is going to change anything. It sounds like the two of you are very different, fundamentally different in ways that can’t really be reconciled. Calling off the wedding is better than getting married when you know it’s to the wrong person. You BOTH deserve better than a relationship that makes both people unhappy.
Also, drunk driving and smoking pot would be deal breakers for me. And if they are things you don’t want in your life it’s okay for them to be deal breakers for you too. You are allowed to demand more out of life and to not settle for a relationship that’s close enough.
Post # 10
At the very least I’d postpone the wedding. You’ve listed too many significant issues to ignore, including his unwillingness to discuss finances or postponing the wedding. Listen to your gut. Marriage doesn’t solve any of these issues.
Post # 11
it’s absolutely not supposed to be this hard. I was in a relationship for five years with a wonderful man who wanted to marry me and i spent the whole time trying to talk myself into it and wondering if/when I would ever “know” and just be comfortable with the idea of marrying him. If you need to do that it’s not right. Despite all our good times and very strong connection, we are definitely better apart. You sound like you are in a similar boat.
When I met my Fiance I was almost immediately like “yup, him”. I’ve had no doubts whatsoever except the normal questions and insecurities we all have. The peace of that is in such stark contrast to how it was with my ex. That’s what you deserve. Good luck bee!
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn
it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. youve listed a lot of things that you dislike about him, but what about the things that you DO like about him. do they outweigh all these dislikes? Ive been through a failed marriage and what Ive learned is that you have to take a step back and look at the things that you dont like about him. are they MAJOR or MINOR to you? example, my Ex used to LIE all the time to me and put the word of his mother before mine in making decisions in OUR life. That for me was MAJOR. my current Fiance leaves his clothes on the floor of our bedroom 2 feet from the hamper and it drives me NUTS!! but when i look back on it, its a MINOR thing. It wont impact my life like LIES do. Youve mentioned some pretty big things in here that I would consider MAJOR issues. I had a moment when i was mailing off my invites for my failed marriage that i was hesitant on even marrying him, that i was questioning living with him and the way he is for the rest of my life and it scared me. but at that time it scared me more to be humiliated by my family for the failed engagement and being alone and starting all over again.
Now having to live through a divorce i can honestly tell you that getting married and wishing you werent is 100% more embarrassing and awful than calling off an engagement and starting over again. If you leave you WILL get through this, you WILL have the confidence to get back out there and meet someone more compatible for you. Youve been given a chance to SEE what your life will be like with this man and if it scares you so much like i think it does then you need to GET OUT.
Good Luck Dear! xoxox
Post # 13
- Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery
Normally I think it’s pretty normal to have a little anxiety and “cold feet” but… this is excessive. If you both think you were happier alone, why are you together?
It’ll be hard–devistating–to end your relationship and engagement at this point, but it really seems like the right move here. You both deserve to be happy. So much better to do that now than a year or two from now.
Post # 14
1. You think you are both better people without each other + 2. Your emotional needs are not being met + 3. He drinks and drives (future DUI for sure or worse) + 4. Somehow in your head you’ve concluded that it’s YOUR fault that he abuses alcohol and drugs to counteract your being high strung (it’s not) + 5. You can’t work out your problems in a constructive manner.
Just no Bee. This will end very badly.
Post # 15
It seems that you know, deep down, that you deserve a much better life than the life you’ll have with him. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but you’re more likely to regret marrying him than not marrying him. You deserve better.