(Closed) How do you know if you’re in an abusive relationship?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Not sure if we read the same post…or what…but I had the EXACT SAME THING going on in my head a few hours ago after reading a particularly terrible post. A post so terrible, I handed the laptop to my FH for him to read and shake his head at. He made a very insensitive comment, “She’s a cliche, she knows she needs to get out but she wants this attention” WHOA….I immediately informed him that this is how some women (read: women in his family) work, but this is not this chick. I literally have no idea if the girl I read about (who also went undercover) will do anything about this asshole or not…I mean what if he comes home, apologizes or does something sweet, makes her feel bad/guilty….what then? I fear for her life, honestly. It’s so sad.

Post # 4
Member
46336 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If what he says or does hurts you, it’s an abusive relationship. End of story,

Unfortunately it is a lot more complicated than that for thse women to leave.

Post # 5
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@andilene:  I told Fiance too.  I was in shock.  I just can’t imagine ever letting it get that bad, but sometimes people do snap out of nowhere. I see it almost every day at work (psychiatric hospital)  So sad to hear.  🙁

Post # 7
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Rouquine:  FH said he’s got major mental problems and she needs out ASAP. I agreed completely…There are just some things that you can’t do for other people though. I’m seriously not sure of where she truly stands on this–I do not believe she should save this marriage, and it’s not my place to call it I get that…but still.

 

I saw the post was still active too, people just keep commenting….I hope for her sake she gets out. I’d be back in my parents house before I could blink twice, that’s for dang sure.

Post # 8
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@DaneLady:  And for SURE there are people who don’t say anything. It’s unacceptable for women to still live in fear of their partners, this is not the 1800s or anytime before 1950–we are WOMEN who hold down jobs, raise children (or pets, like children!), take care of our homes, our families, our in-laws, and we should NOT be cowering to anyone. I’m not a feminist or crazy, but I demand respect from everyone and I do my damndest to show the same respect to everyone. She needs counseling too.

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

when my friend was 15yrs old her boyfriend use to threaten suicide if she broke it off and in general he was an emotional dick that use to say it was her fault he would get angry – she was so stressed that she almost gave herself and ulcer, she felt she had his life in her hands.

i guess my point is you dont have to hit someone to be abusive – some guys have the emotional game down pat 

my measure stick is if he does something and you feel you cant tell another person/feel shame or fear (eg: he hits me, he yells at me, he withholds money, he doesnt let me see friends, he hurts me, he forces me to have anal sex, i feel sick when he comes home ect)  its an  abusive relationship

Post # 11
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@DaneLady:  That is crazy terrible 🙁 I’m sorry for you, but I’m glad you’re in a better place now. I am with you, I hope the same happens for her. I want her to get help, I want her to understand her value and worth.

Post # 12
Member
11342 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I saw that post, too, but was unable to comment earlier as I was babysitting a toddler most of the day.  It’s so heartbreaking that women end up in these horrible, tragic, life-threatening situations. I’m glad that you posted this thread, because, if what you posted above keeps even ONE bee from moving forward and saying “I DO” to the wrong person, it will have accomplished something priceless.  Women need to understand that, even if they’ve already committed tens of thousands of dollars in deposits to wedding vendors, if they see signs of these dangerous and ominous behaviors, they should end the relationship immediately and never look back.

Post # 13
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years (married for 1 1/2 of it)…. My mom was in an abusive relationship after divorcing my Dad… my grandmother was in a VERY abusive marriage for YEARS (which my mom of course grew up in physically AND sexually) and now we have a home for women where 100% of the girls that even call my mom have experienced some kind of abusive and probably 90% have experienced sexual abuse in their homes.

You are TOTALLY right that the statistics are horrifying!

As for your title question:

As soon as you’re making an excuse for someone elses behavior that hurt you they are abusing you whether it be emotionally, verbally, mentally, physically, or sexually.

Post # 15
Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee

@runsyellowlites:  As soon as you’re making an excuse for someone elses behavior that hurt you they are abusing you whether it be emotionally, verbally, mentally, physically, or sexually.

^^^ THIS! Ugh, so true. Everyone’s right. It does start out slowly. It’s a mind game 100%. They know exactly what they are doing and take advantage. Kindness for weakness maybe. My ex was completely NUTS. His emotional/verbal abuse was worse than the physical, but it DID get physical. And that’s when I chunked that duece. F that. Luckily it wasn’t a marriage, no kids involved, no home or apt that was shared. It was “easier” to break it off…I was 21. Done deal. My heart breaks for women who are in these situations and feel they “cant” get out. 

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