(Closed) How do you know if/when it is time to leave?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I went thru a Divorce about 10 Years ago…

And the best advice I got on when to move from our Relationship Not Working… to Seperation and onto Divorce was from Dr Phil

When you can honestly say you’ve done your best, and given your all.  Exhausted all your options, so that you yourself are exhausted.  When you can look back with no regrets knowing you didn’t take the easy way out.

Of course… that timeframe should be considerably “shorter” if there are more serious issues involved in the relationship than just Apathy… such as Abuse, Adultry, Addiction or Amoral Behavior.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 4
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I knew it was time to leave my last relationship when every morning required a pep-talk in the shower to get through the day. I said to myself “You can do this. You can do this for the rest of your life.” It was still one of the hardest things I’d ever done. He wasn’t a particularly good boyfriend, but we’d been roughing it together for so long it felt like I was pot committed. But let me tell you, there’s no such thing as pot committed in a relationship! This isn’t a game. It’s your own well-deserved happiness. And if being with that person isn’t happy more often than not, it’s not working. And if it’s not working for you, it’s not fair to you OR the other person to keep pretending it is.

 

Post # 5
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

There are moments in life, split seconds of time, where everything becomes startlingly clear….and all of the speculation and logical thinking melts away and you are just left with this searing thought, I MUST DO THIS NOW!

I remember almost seven years ago, I was living with a man, whom I thought I was madly in love with, he was terribly enigmatic, highly intelligent, handsome in a wicked and sharp way, he was devastating and distracting….but not much of a man in the grown up get er done sense of life….and one moment I was standing in the kitchen, after getting home from a long day at work to find the place in a shambles littered with peices of a project he’d started, abandoned, pots with food in them from lunch with him standing in the middle of it, unshowered and grinning at me…and right then I knew…it was over.  I told him to pack and get out, now…he ran after me apologizing, saying he would clean it up, that he just got distracted and I started laughing, it wasn’t really even about the mess, it was just a moment of zen-like clarity when I knew I was all done, and I wasn’t upset about it, I wasn’t sad, I was just done.

I’ve had similar moments in my life, when I met Mr. 99, when I found out my mother was sick, the day I found out I was going to become a VERY young grandmother and when I was even considering throwing my own marriage to the curb…that moment comes, reveals itself and all it’s secrets to you, and you’ll know, your either ready to take a hike, or in this for the long haul.

Good luck and keep a weather eye on the horizon, you’ll know when you know.

Post # 6
Hostess
5627 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

Tagging to follow up

Post # 7
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t mean this in any kind of snarky way WHATSOEVER

You know when you’re polling strangers on the internet.

 

Seriously though, instead of thinking of ending your relationship all at once, which is understandably very, very scary… just give yourself some breathing room and retreat from the wedding planning at least.  I KNOW you’re going to be worried about what his family will think, and the deposits that will be lost, but trust me when I say this, calling off a wedding is VASTLY easier than getting a divorce. 

Post # 9
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@mayflowerbride13:  Seriously, there are just way too many issues in this relationship to make this a strong, lasting marriage.  Leave now before it gets that much worse (and it will).

Post # 10
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

If you’re crying more than you’re smiling, that would be a pretty good barometer of how your relationship is going.

Make a list of the good and the bad. Which one is longer?

Post # 11
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I knew when I could look at him and feel nothing. I was just numb. A thought of a future together was like looking out onto a barren wasteland. I remember thinking to myself, “If I marry him, the only thing I have to look forward to is death.” I remember sitting there at 27 years old, feeling so old and full of the weight of the world.

We broke up, and the sense of relief was indescribable.

Post # 12
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mayflowerbride13:  when you’re sad more than you’re happy.

Make a list of pros and cons – which is longer?

While you’re at it, (if you don’t have one already) make a list of Must Haves in a relationship and Run for Its (non negotiables).  I believe every woman should have one before entering a relationship but evaluate your relationship honestly.  DOes he have all of the must have traits? Does he have any of the non negotiables? It’s a good way to hold yourself accountable and be objective in situations that involve emotions running high like this one.

Ask yourself – if there wasn’t a wedding being planned, if you didn’t live together, etc. would you still be with him?

Post # 13
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mayflowerbride13:  I’m glad you had a laugh 🙂

The thing is, you can’t objectively quantify something like that.

For example, I’ve been divorced.  Although my first husband never did anything wrong on  BIG scale (cheating, abuse, criminal activity for examples), there were a lot of little things.  We spent all of our time with his family, he couldnt hold down a steady job, I hated the way he dressed, our apartment was a mess all the time, he flaked out on bills and insurance renewals etc… None of that was a big deal, but I didn’t really want to be married to him (I was very young) so it all stacked up to make me eventually leave.

Now, technically I left my marriage for “no good reason” and I see couples who stay together after infidelity, after someone is convicted of a crime, heck, I’ve seen a documentary where the husband changed GENDERS and his wife is still with him, living as a lesbian couple now.

So, you can see here that there is no real way to measure whether your should or should not leave, but the very fact that you’re thinking about it so much, suggests that it’s something you should really think about.

Post # 14
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@This Time Round:  +1

I’ve been in two serious, long term relationships that didn’t work out. Both times it was a slow but steady decline. I tried and talked and listened and fumed and tried to work it out, and no matter what effort I put in, nothing came out of it. At the end, the last straws were frivolous little things, but like @Nona99: said, the clarity came and I just knew it was time, that they weren’t right. 

Try everything you can or feel you need to do, but deep down, there’s a good chance you already know the answer to your question. You have to listen to that inner voice. It usually knows before our mind and hearts are willing to accept the answer.

/hugs

  

 

Post # 15
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

I got a divorce from my husband because I just wasn’t happy anymore. There was no talking, when we did talk, it was fighting, there was no sex, NONE, everything about him disgusted me.  I was more happy when he was at work or left the house.  Then, I knew it was time to move on and be happy.

Post # 16
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

There were a lot of ways I knew it was time to leave my ex. But it took a long time to leave since we have a child together but I knew for a long time. Some ways you know

When you wake up and dread spending the day with him

When you get into full blown fights every day

When you have to walk on egg shells to make sure you don’t make him angry

When you no longer feel the love or when you only feel the love once in a blue moon and the rest of the time you’re questioning yourself

When the fights become violent or emotionally abusive

 

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