(Closed) How do you know if/when it is time to leave?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Aren’t you guys getting married very soon?  I thought your original date was December…

 

I think it’s been very stressful for you to plan the wedding with his mother constantly interfering, his ideas about how everyone and their second cousins should be invited, and also his starting a snow removal business (when it doesn’t snow)…  

Post # 20
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

The moment I knew it was finally time to leave was like an epiphany for me. We had had yet another argument over gawd knows what, and so I decided to go out for a run to clear my head. Near the end of my run, I stopped at a playground to sit on the swings and think for a bit.  I sat there swinging back and forth for several minutes when it suddenly occurred to me that I felt more joy at that moment than I’d ever felt in the last 10 years with my husband. I felt carefree and happy for the first time in a long time, from something as simple as a playground swingset. Something about that just seemed very, very wrong, and I knew it was time to finally put an end to my relationship. It was over long before that moment (a good 5 years at least), but even with all the individual and couples counselling we went through, never had it been clearer to me that I deserved much more happiness in my life than what my situation was allowing.  I went home, talked to my BFF about it, who told me she knew I was unhappy but didn’t know what to do to help.  Less than 2 days later I broke off my 10 year marriage, and haven’t looked back. Best decision I ever made.

Post # 21
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@This Time Round:  +1 When you can honestly say you’ve done your best, and given your all.  Exhausted all your options, so that you yourself are exhausted.  When you can look back with no regrets knowing you didn’t take the easy way out.

this is what gave me the strength and closure from my last relationship.  i knew it was time.

Post # 22
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This is a really difficult question, because I think so often love looks differently than we expected it to.

I think if you’ve done everything in your power to realize that real love isn’t like a movie, and you’ve emotionally come to grips with that, and yet you are still very unhappy, the moment of clarity will come soon.

I remember a time in my relationship when I realized that what we have isn’t what I expected it to be. It’s not like the notebook, or titanic, but it’s a genuinely sweet, kind, and easy sort of love. I realized that it was no reason to throw in the towel, and my moment of clarity helped me to realize that I love my Boyfriend or Best Friend (now FI) and that even though true love doesn’t look expectly how I expected it to, I want to spend my life with my best friend, and he is definitely that.

 

Post # 23
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@mayflowerbride13:  I remember your previous posts, and I have been hoping that you will leave the relationship.  (I hope that doesn’t sound horrible because I am not trying to be ugly, I just don’t think you are going to be happy in this relationship)  I believe when you look at your future and you feel relieved at the thought of not being in the relationship, that is a big sign.  If you are hoping that it will get better that this after you get married, you need to leave because it will not.  Best of luck.

Post # 24
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mayflowerbride13:  I can’t speak from experience, I’ve been fortunate enough to never have to end a long term relationship.  But, you’ve been posting here a while and your Fiance does not sound like a good candidate for a husband.  He’s self absorbed, dismissive of your feelings, and doesn’t treat you like a partner.

I’m sorry, I think you know what’s right or else you wouldn’t be asking.

Post # 25
Member
10 posts
Newbee

Read this book – Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum.

It’s really a great book. It is eye-opening. It really helps you think through everything so you can feel secure in your decision. It helped me decide to stay and to make more of an effort. As a result of my behavior, HE began to work harder on the relationship. Our relationship has never been better.

On the otherhand, a friend read it and ended her relationship. She has no regrets and is immensely happy as a now single woman.

Good luck!

Post # 26
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I knew it was time when the sight of him made me nauseous, I felt relieved at the thought of leaving, and sex made me cry and want to hurl.

Post # 28
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I knew it was time to leave my ex when I thought he was going to propose and it made me nauseous.  Also, when I got really horrible news and it didn’t even occur to me to call him (we were long distance at the time).  If you have to go through the worst things alone, what’s the point? 

Post # 29
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think that relationships in general should be easy. Not that there won’t be hard times, but that being with the person is easy. I don’t know if that makes sense or not.

Your posts from the last several months sound like everything is difficult. It makes me think that if you’re having this much trouble now, before you’re married, things are likely to get even harder later.

You shouldn’t have to convince yourself that marrying someone is the right thing to do.

Post # 30
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m a lot like missrobots, I ended a 5 year relationship (in which we moved in together 3 months prior), when I realized I couldn’t make myself fall in love with someone.  I looked in the mirror multiple times and said “You are with a great guy.  Not all married couples are deeply in love…you could make it work.”  I told others I didn’t want to get married (when really I was just considering marriage with the wrong person) and there was no sexual chemistry.  It was very hard b/c we really respected and liked each other, but we really were “just friends”.  And now, a mere 3 years later, I’m married and (ex) he’s getting married in the summer.

Post # 31
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Kat:  I feel the same way about my SO/FI 🙂

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