(Closed) How do you know if/when it is time to leave?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@cmbr:  I agree.  While most relationships have ups and downs, for the most part they should feel “efforless” for lack of a better term.  The right relationship feels right. It feels good.

OP, I have read your previous posts and I didn’t comment on them because so many bees said what I was feeling.  We can all sit here and tell you that it sounds like things with this guy are way too much work.  It does not sound like you two are working together as a couple.  That’s not to say good relationships are rainbows and unicorns all the time, but this time, the time before you are married, should be a GOOD time in your life, one that you will look back on with fond memories, not with contempt.

The right guy will make you feel good about yourself.  He won’t make you try to change to fit some ideal of his.  He won’t belittle you.  He will want to grow with you.  It doesn’t sound like he does any of these things.

I haven’t been in your position but I have several friends that have.  They all knew for a while that it was time to move on from their toxic relationships.  Pulling the trigger and actually doing it is very difficult.  You become comfortable.  Fear of the unknown (life without this guy) is very scary.  Fortunately, once my friends did get out of those bad relationships, they were free to meet the right guy, and once that guy came along, they saw what they had been missing.

Think long and hard before you walk down the aisle with this guy.  I think deep down you know what you need to do.

Post # 33
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s when you feel lighter when you think of not being with them, if that makes sense. With the right person, you feel lighter WITH them.

Post # 34
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mypinkshoes:  I don’t buy the idea that you have to try everything before you leave or you’re “taking the easy way out”. It’s not about easy vs hard. It’s about whether or not your relationship is one you want to or should stay in. Sorry to pounce on you but it was this kind of thinking that stopped me leaving my ex.

Post # 35
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’ve already commented on your other thread, but the best advice I have ever received is not to enter a marriage if you are not happy with the status quo in your relationship. Marriage doesn’t magically change people, so if you are not happy now, don’t assume you will be happier when _____ happens, if _______ happens.

Post # 36
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

When it is obvious all efforts are NOT working. For me, when just about every day is miserable and continuing to get worse, it’s over.

Post # 37
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sometimes I think you just know.  And you may spend a while in denial trying to make something work that just isn’t there.  Most often I’ve found that there is that moment of clarity when you just wake up one day realizing it’s over, and probably has been for a long time.  I agree with Moomin that sometimes you don’t have to try everything before you leave.  Sure if you’re married with children you want to make sure you’ve done your best to keep your family together – but at the same time your kids sense probably before you do that you’re not happy and that’s no life for them either.

If you just aren’t in love anymore, there’s nothing you can do.  I don’t think it often happens that you fall out of love and suddenly fall back into it with the same person. You only have one life, and you should be truly happy.  Like some said, it isn’t like it is in the fairytales, but if you’re wondering if you should or shouldn’t stay, you probably have answered yourself already.  You shouldn’t have to wonder or worry all the time that you’re with the wrong person, you should be happy and comfortable.  Love isn’t easy, relationships aren’t easy and marriage isn’t easy.  But it sure as hell shouldn’t be that hard.

Post # 38
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Moomin:  not all relationships are equal.  this was just “my” example. 

trust me, i have had many relationships and some i probably ended prematurely for whatever reason.  my last relationship was one that i know that i personally exhausted all options before ending.  it was something that “i” had to do to feel like i was doing the right thing and that i offered all that i could.  this was for me.

Post # 39
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I broke things off with my ex because I felt like he wasn’t the one.He had no drive and didn’t make enough time for me.When we did spend time together,he was broke.So glad I moved on.

Post # 40
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

With a break up with my ex about 8 months ago, I can say that if you are feeling strongly enough to ask publicly, you should follow your heart with this.  It’s hard. I know. I really do know.  I think you know what you should do, you just have to figure out how and when. Read my post- “encouragement for those in….”

Post # 41
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Moomin:  I saw your comments to @mypinkshoes: regarding…

When you can honestly say you’ve done your best, and given your all. Exhausted all your options, so that you yourself are exhausted. When you can look back with no regrets knowing you didn’t take the easy way out.

For the record… this quote came originally from me in this topic (see Reply # 2) and is attributed to Dr Phil

It was something that he said anyone contemplating a Divorce should take an Inventory of…

(So a little different from a Dating situation… but I still thought it was worth sharing)

I quoted it here in this topic when the OP asked “How Do You Know If / When It Is Time To Leave ?”

As I said in my original Reply… Dr Phil attributes the 5 A’s to the most common reasons that a Marriage Fails (Apathy – Abuse – Adultry – Addiction – and Amoral Behaviour).

And because of the serious nature of many of them… oftentimes folks are conflicted on whether they should stay or go… and if they are in some way “abandoning” the other person, and thereby feeling guilt on giving up on the relationship (although for sure many times people will ask those same Questions if the key element is just plain Apathy as well)

My info was to let the OP know, that if you can truthfully answer that Quote… knowing that you’ve done your best then you’ve done all you can do.  Leave with a heart and mind at peace.

As someone who was married for 20+ years to a man who had a multitude of issues… and ticked the Abuse, Addiction and Apathy boxes… I was very much torn on leaving vs staying.

Dr Phil’s words were just one of the things in the process that helped me find peace.

And that is what I was offering the OP with them.

 

Post # 42
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

… If you keep on having to ask yourself whether or not you should.

Post # 43
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

When I left my ex husband I had been thinking about it for years already, but I kept trying to convince myself that I could keep going. Then one day I realized that I felt nothing for him and was just numb. I also had this overwhelming feeling that I would be ok and that I could actually be genuinely happy by myself. That’s when I knew it was over and leaving was single handedly one of the best things I have ever done!

Post # 44
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Darling Husband and I have had the shittiest first year and a half EVER! We were on the verge of a divorce MULTIPLE times. These were just ridiculous fights. Nothing abusive. Well… fighting and hurting each other IS abusive, but you know what I mean… we were not a threat to each other’s lives, etc.

We worked on our relationship. Slowly and steadily. We worked out our differences as best we can. It’s easier than divorcing. Making love is easier than making hate.

Post # 45
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

@mayflowerbride13:  I’m divorced now and when I was in the throes of trying to decide what to do, i got one piece of advice that really stuck with me. Someone suggested to picture your life 5, 10 years out. Imagine you’re single and you run into your now-husband, and he’s married to someone else. Maybe even has a kid. How does it make you feel?

I realized that when I pictured that I felt not a single ounce of jealousy or regret – instead, I felt relieved and happy that maybe he found someone that would be a better fit for him that I was. Which I realized was a really big deal for me.

When I picture that scenario with my now-SO, it makes me want to tear that bitch up ;P (kidding! in a healthy ‘i-love-him-and-he’s-not-going-anywhere’ way lol)

Best of luck OP, as many previous posters have said you will know in your gut when it’s time. 

Post # 46
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@penguins_bite:   Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

This book helped me too.  Highly recommended.

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