(Closed) How do you know it’s the right path? (longish)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Are you marrying him because you want to spend the rest of you life with him? Or are you marrying him because you’re afraid of being alone and the idea of being alone or starting over is scary?

If it’s the latter motivation, I think you need to reconsider.

 

The things you mention in him don’t sound like huge red flags, but definitely stuff that should be addressed and talked about before you say ‘I do’. Not speaking never solves problems, it just sweeps them under the rug until they fester.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

“it’s very hard for him to see things from my perspective on most issues and he would rather not work out any problems by talking because he feels talking makes things worse. “

This is a huge problem, because every single relationship runs into problems that need to be worked out, and most of them can’t be unless you can discuss both sides.

I was on the fence when trying to decide whether to marry or not, and even a bit afterwards – until we did premarital counseling, which I highly recommend.  I got two very importan things from it – the understanding that we did have strongly similar views on what we wanted our marriage to be, and the ability to clearly discuss issues and reach solutions.

Post # 5
Member
221 posts
Helper bee

I knew it was right because for the first time in my life I wanted nothing more than to be married and have children. The two things I said I wanted to wait as long as possible for… Now I can’t pictures my life without Fiance. He is my best friend.

When we first started dating, we were both casually seeing other people because neither of us were ready for something serious. Every guy I went out with annoyed me… All I could do was compare them to my now Fiance. That’s when I dove in and I drug him with me :-p

Have you considered counseling? Or even opening up to to him about your feelings? I think talking to a relationship counselor and getting everything out in the open with a professional will help. They understand more about feelings than any of us here do. Although, I’m sure that having cold feet is pretty common, it may help to get to the bottom of your feelings.

Post # 6
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Island_Bride_In_April:  This is a very tough spot to be emotionally.  I’ve asked family and friends when/how they knew the person they were with was “the one” (and I mean that in more of at, “the one you’ll marry and spend the rest of your life with,” as compared to, “the one who was made for you and magically you both ended up in each other’s lives.”)  The answer always varies, because everyone’s different and judges what’s best for him/her differently.  Not an answer you probably want to hear, but I will tell you this:  If you have to ask yourself, and especially if you have to ask others, it is probably best to take a step back from the situation.  I have been with my SO for 6.5 years, and I came to a point where I realized I needed to be selfish and see parts of the world.  I did so, and by some lucky chance, I was able to reconnect with SO.  This time around, I have a certainty with being with him.  It feels “right.”  I don’t doubt myself or our relationship, and I look forward to our future together.  That commitment must come before the vows are made.  If you cannot make that vow to him now, take the time you need for yourself.

Post # 7
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

You sound like you’re with him a lot because of your insecurities and because of what he did for you. I believe that you should start therapy with a counselor to make sure that you are able to first love yourself and live your life independently before marrying him. Then you’ll be able to make a clearer decision. You two still might be a great fit, but you have to enter the marriage from the right mindset. Please see a counselor. You can’t assume that someone else will keep your anxiety issues cured, you need to take the matter of your own health and well-being in your own hands and stop depending on him for everything.

Post # 8
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

@Island_Bride_In_April:  

A little engagement jitters is normal it is a major life change after all. Everyone is different, while some people will be on cloud 9 others may be more nervous and uncertain of the future, and if you are already predisposed to be anxious or a worrier then most major life events and transitions you will have and probably if you think back have had, are marked with a certain amount of anxiousness, I think you should go to pre-marital counseling, to clarify some of this anxiety. A neutral third party maybe the key to helping you see areas where you may be worrying excessively, and help your Fiance identify areas that he may need to work on as well. This also would be the preferred way to learn some communication skills so that you can start off on a good foundation before the wedding. In long term relationships like yours guys do have a tendency to become comfortable and complacent which may explain some of his aloofness but I think with counseling you will feel more “confident” in your decision. I wouldn’t completely nix the relationship based of cold feet without first doing some more work.

Post # 12
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If talking about issue cause stress, that is a bad sign. Yes, initially talking can be stressful, but finding resolution is the goal. It seems like you two both want to shove things under a rug and hope they go away. 

 I agree with @irishphoenix:. It sounds like you have some major issues that you haven’t dealt with. You don’d feel strong, so you think having him there is better than being alone. Until you are comfortable with yourself and comfortable with being alone, you will be marrying him for the wrong reason- fear. 

Please get yourself some help for you anxiety. You do not deserve to live that way. You deserve to live an anxiety free life with someone who you are with because love him, not because you fear being alone.

Post # 13
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Island_Bride_In_April:  Chronic and crippling anxiety is an overwhelming problem that is incredibly difficult to deal with on your own. It also completely clouds your thinking. I would first and foremost seek help with a professional with this, because you have to work on yourself in order to be a good partner. I know I did, and relief didn’t come immediately, but it will come. Have confidence that you can get better. 

A big red flag for me in this post is that you don’t ever like to be separate from your SO. Look, no one loves it, but you have to be comfortable on your own. He may or may not be a great partner for you, but I think you need to gamble on yourself first. Take a chance cause you deserve a great life – with or without your fiance!

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