(Closed) How do you know when it's over?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think this is a tough situation to be in. My main question for you is: are you happy?? Because if you aren’t, there’s your answer. To be so young and feel like you haven’t lived is awful. It is great to be able to say that you have worked so hard and accompolished so much in such a short time, but it isn’t worth anything if you cannot honestly say that you are happy with your life the way that it is. To make a long story short, maybe it is time for you to take care of yourself. Good luck to you!

Post # 3
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Clearly, you are a very intelligent and sucessful young woman.  It sounds to me like you want your freedom to explore life on your own and see what else is out there – I’m not just talking about realtionships but life in general.  You are not responsible for your bf and it’s not your job to take care of him.  He’s responsible for himself.  Trust me, if you end the realtionship it will be hard for him but he’ll get through it (FYI I suffer from depression).  It not a matter of giving up on him or the realtionship, that’s not what you’re doing.  You have just gotten to a point in your life that you want to move on and try other things.  You’re only 22 and have been with him since you were 15.  As individuals we change a lot between 15 and 22.  Honestly, I think it would be foolish and you would be being very unfair to yourself if you didn’t allow yourself to experience your independence.  I also believe if you stay with him out of obligation you will start to resent him. In the end, that resentment will kill the realtionship anyway.  Your only 22 you don’t have to be in a long-term realtionship.  Most realtionships in the teen years and in the 20’s eventually end – it happens to most of us.  You have every right to be happy and put yourself first.

Post # 4
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It seems like instead of being his girlfriend, you’re more like his mom. No wonder you feel old. πŸ™

Post # 7
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Why dint you wait until he has a job, take a year off from everything besides him, go travel on your own and come back to him. Do stuff you need, while he’s a home taking care of everything for you.

You took care of him through his problems so he should take care if you through yours. 

you don’t have to break up.

Post # 8
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sounds like a lot of “if” and “when” statements. Also sounds like he has had a good bit of time to get himself together to be the best he can for the sake of your relationship together, and he has taken your kindness for granted.

If you constantly say “if’ and “when”, you may never do it. Then you’ll look back in a few years going, “What was I waiting for?”

I say this from a place of understanding and having been there… It sounds like it’s time to sever those ties, take care of just you for a while, and one day find someone who is willing to invest in your happiness like you invest in theirs.

Post # 9
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I was in a relationship just like this. We started dating at 15 and I broke up with him when I was 21. He had no motivation and he needed to learn to do things for himself and I know that taking care of him was just enabling him. After 5 years together, as best friends and lovers, I broke up with him. He dealt with depression beforehand so the heartbreak was tough for him, but it was something I needed to do for him and myself. It was REALLY hard to let him go. But I was firm that he needed to find himself and find what motivates him. 

I thibk ink in your situation, it would also be good for the both of you, for separate reasons. As a single young woman, you will have more time to focus and take care of yourself. I struggled with abuse as a child through my teens and once I left him, stopped taking care of him, I was able to focus on healing myself and finding new things about myself that excite me for the future πŸ™‚ 

i did end up finding another love. We are now engaged to be married this October. He is the sweetest, most dependable man. And he’s a hard worker. I don’t doubt that my ex would be as dependable as he could be, but I know because he  didn’t have a job and other things going on, he couldn’t help me in time of need. 

You deserve to be taken care of the same way you take care of your partner. It sounds like a lot of the effort is on your part. 

Post # 10
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

outofideas:  

I feel terrible because he has done nothing wrong.

No, he hasn’t but neither have you!  Realtionships end for a lot of different reasons it’s not necessarily that one partner or both have done anything wrong.  Nobody’s to blame in this situation, it’s just the way it is.  Yes, ending a realtionship can be scary but by staying with him your shutting yourself off to all the other possibilities.  Trust me there are other men out there.  I think deep down you know what you need to do.  Also, I don’t think you’re giving your bf enough credit.  He’s life won’t end if you break-up, he’s stronger than you think.  You can get all the opinions in the world, in the end your the only one that can change your life.

 

Post # 11
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

It’s done you can tell by the way your post is written,  seems like you just need a way out. Your right you are young and should be living your life. He sounds like a person who is going to be a draining partner for the long forseeable future. I know this will be hard but I think it’s something you have to do and will look back and see it was for the best.

Good luck πŸ™‚ 

Post # 12
Member
5 posts
Newbee

“I feel terrible because he has done nothing wrong.”

I know it can seem like he’s done nothing wrong, especially when he’s been the kindest, sweetest person you know. And if you were teenagers, I would say, “Give him more time,” but unfortunately he’s 24 already. You’re 22, and very accomplished for your age, so it might be hard to tell from your perspective, but at 24, he is already an adult and should have more responsibility over his life. You mentioned that he’s taking steps to improve his life, but you’ve been supporting him all this time… Why only now? Do you feel that he’s afraid to lose the living situation he has (not working, being taken care of by a woman who adores him)?

My first husband and I got married when we were 21. Before then, I didn’t have any strong examples of what a relationship could be at its best; I only had normal relationships from 16 years old onward, and the only thing I knew was that I would never be with someone who physically abused me. And so when my husband came around, he opened my eyes and showed me so much love and care, more than I knew was possible! I had already graduated with my Bachelors at the time, and he was still in school, and before we knew it, we were married.

Being the “stable” one, I took care of us every day, sending myself deep into debt since we (or I) paid for everything and didn’t want to accept money from family, and worked at jobs that didn’t make me happy, while he stayed at home all day. He suffered from manic-depression, and was too depressed to hold down a job. Still, I loved him. I felt that I couldn’t let him go, because no one else would love me the way we did. And in my mind, I thought he was my soul mate. 

Later on, my heart and mind had become burned out from all of the resentment. I was 23 and had so many plans for my life that I couldn’t achieve because I had unknowingly gotten saddled with taking care of a child who couldn’t support himself. And this isn’t the loving, “Oh, my husband is helpless without me,” sort of thing that wives joke about. At that time, my husband could not support himself at all. Even though he loved me so much, I thought, he seemed alright with “taking”… and knew that my dreams and ambitions were going unfulfilled. It wasn’t motivation enough for him to help ease my burden, so after several long and agonizing months of reflection, I decided to move to another country for work, so that I could at least see some of the world while I was still young.

It was very hard to break up, and to this day I can’t name many other times when I’ve cried that hard, but what ended up happening was that I got to live independently as an adult who didn’t have to support a husband. I had thought I was already who I was by the time I was 23, but surprise, surprise! I changed as well, and for the better. I got to experience so many beautiful moments I wouldn’t have, had I been too afraid of leaving an unhappy situation with someone I loved so much at the time. I accepted the fact that I would never find love again, and I resigned myself to loneliness from 23 years old. (Reading this now, I’m like, “??!”)

While abroad, I developed a crush on a truly wonderful guy, a coworker my age, who was even more in love with me than my first husband was (which i didn’t think was possible!) He was financially stable, had specific career goals, and a loving, caring heart. What’s more, he respects my independence and allows me to have a married life and an ambitious/independent life. It was shocking to learn that i didn’t have to compromise on either of those things. At some point, you have to do some difficult things for the sake of the rest of your life, and for the people who will care more about you in the future, as hard as it is to believe right now!

22 is so young, and when I heard that from people when i was 22, I felt like they didn’t understand. But truly, it is. I don’t regret my relationship with my first husband. It taught me a lot of things that have kept my current marriage as light and lovely as it is. I just turned 27, and people tell me, “You’re still young. There’s so much more life left for you to live,” and even now I’m still telling them, “I got this. I’m old enough already.” But deep down, I know it’s true. And I’m excited for all of the experiences I’ll get to have alone as a person, as well as with my wonderful husband, and I hope you can feel the same way as well. πŸ™‚

Post # 13
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - Winery

I was in an on again, off again relatonship for a couple of years from when I was 17yrs old with this guy who I STILL will tell you was one of the most thoughtful and loving individuals that I have ever met. But he had his issues. He struggled with a broken family. Long story short, at some point in the relationship I felt like I was his crutch and I didn’t like that. I very much wanted him to be independent because I knew he needed to be. I was nothing but supportive but I was drowning myself while trying to keep him afloat. It was a lot of pressure being so young- I couldnt deal. I realized I needed to take care of me and I knew it would break his heart if I broke up with him. It was one of the most heart breaking break ups I have endured and now I’m getting emotional typing this out. My point is- you need to take care of yourself. No one was at fault in our breakup, I just couldn’t provide the help he needed, and he couldn’t provide the security that I needed to make the realtionship work. There’s NO getting away from the underlying issues. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. And that’s okay! He is not your responsibility, you can’t ‘fix’ him. We are human. You will be okay if you choose to break it off, and he will be okay too! We have to find our OWN way and eventutally our path will merge with another’s path. Someone that you can continue on life’s journey with.

I am now engaged to someone else and I am so happy. 

I wish you nothing but happiness whether you choose to stay in this relationship, or if you choose to move on.

Post # 14
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

fosterfra:  I hope OP reads ands  takes in your generous ,  insightful and ultimately hopeful  post .

Post # 15
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

There are some really good posts in here, OP.

It sounds to me OP like you are at the start of a painful break up.  When I realised that with my ex, it actually made me feel physically sick.  But there came a point where the thought of being with him, and continuing the confusion and loneliness of being with him, seemed worse.  And so I gritted my teeth and ended it.

Going through a break up, or even thinking seriously about doing it, is awful.  I know.  You constantly doubt your decision, you feel like a (big) piece of you has died, you feel like you will never feel that way about anyone again, and that no one will ever love you that much.  You think you’ll be alone forever.  You think of how comforting and wonderful it would be to just throw yourself back in your ex’s arms.  You think about how damn easy that would be, and how great it would feel at that precise moment.

BUT… Do you know what absolutely rocks about it?  A few months down the track, once you’ve done a lot of crying, self doubting and soul searching, you rememember who you are.  And you get back in touch with your own identity.  And personally I think in my life there has been no more significant moment in my own journey of self-discovery, than the slow burning epiphany I had after my serious break up.

It feels like being reborn.

Think of it like this – as painful and hard and breaking up is, there is always ying and yang, light and shade, in pretty much everything we do.  And for all the pain and sadness that comes with ending a relationship, trust me when I say that there are blue skies ahead.  Reclaiming your identity and becoming a strong, resilient single person in your 20’s is truly one of the most invigorating personal journies you can go on.

I was single for 12 months between a very serious break up, and finding my current SO.  That year was an extremely important time in my life.  I lived big, I travelled, I grew up a lot, I dated relentlessly for about 3 months there!  And I remembered exactly who I was.  It was a wonderful time in my life.  The initial break up was awful but that passes.

Good luck OP.  You are clearly very intelligent and insightful, I think you could grow so much and learn so much from moving in to a new phase in your life.  Whatever your decision, have faith in yourself and don’t doubt your own strength.

Also a quick word on guilt – try your best not to feel guilty about leaving your ex.  He is a grown adult.  A lot of men are very good at playing the victim in break ups and hoping your guilt will drive you back.  But I assure you, he will be FINE.  Once you two are broken up his emotional wellbeing is no longer your responsibility – trust that there will be others that will look out for him, and just look after yourself.

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