- 4 years ago
I know the short answer to that question is probably ‘when you start asking’ but I really need some help Bees. I considered going undercover but eh, my posts are all pretty benign and anything you could find stalking older posts I will tell you anyway. Save you some time 😛
I am 22. SO is 24. We have been together coming up on 7 years. He is the kindest, most caring guy on the face of the Earth. Truly, I think there is no-one who would love me or treat me the way he does. But I’ve been with him since I was 15. Lately, I’ve been feeling… stifled? I don’t know if it is just the 7-year itch or what but it feels different. I still love him but not as deeply and I feel distant. I find myself getting annoyed at him for no good reason. He has done absolutely nothing wrong and that just makes it worse.
We have been through a lot together. He has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout the entire course of our relationship. He has been making great improvements over the last maybe 2 years. He is finally getting to a point now where he could hold a job and function in the real world. But it has still taken a toll I guess. I feel I have sacrificed a lot for him. I don’t think he even knows. And I can’t tell him because of his anxiety. I feel like I can’t talk about things that bother me because he can’t cope with them. So he can vent to me but I can’t do the same in return.
I mention the following moreso so that you know we have been through a lot together. That I don’t just want to leave because it is tough now or something.
I left home at 16. I struggled with disordered eating – a remnant of emotional abuse from my mother. I am better now. I have my Masters at 22. I have my dream job, in a field I love. I have kicked a lot of ass to get where I am now 😛 I feel like I should be doing really well. Like I should be able to finally sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labour. Go out and be young and have fun. But instead I still feel like I am looking after SO. He is older than me and has still not finished his Bachelors (this semester and next to go). He has never held a job due to his anxiety but is just now reaching a stage now where he can. I pay all of the bills. We live in an expensive city and I am the only income earner. I pay for everything and have for years. Rent alone is almost 60% of my take home pay. In fairness, we had to move here for work because of the economy. This has meant he has made sacrifices too – he is away from his family in a strange city. The move was easier for me as I don’t have family and I am used to moving. It has been a big adjustment for him. In many ways, I actually think it has been good for his anxiety as he has been forced out of his comfort zone. But I digress.
I guess I feel like I have been an adult for too long. I don’t feel 22. I feel like I am living the life of a 30 year old, which would be fine if I were actually 30. But I have never been young. I never went out during my uni days because he would freak out. I didn’t really make friends as a result. If I were to go back now, I would set different boundaries in our relationship and have gone out anyway. But I was 17 and didn’t know what else to do. So I missed out and now I think I resent him for it.
And it is unfair to SO because he is finally doing well for himself. We could be happy together. We are so close to having everything we wanted. Once he starts working, we can start saving money. We can go on holidays, and save for a house and …
I don’t know what to do from here. I feel like I have missed out. I am envious of my friends who are all more carefree than me. Who live like actual young people and go on holidays and have no responsibilities. If I were single, my expenses would be less than half what they are now. Not that you can make a relationship decision based solely on financial factors. I just mean… it is one more thing that I am missing out on. I am paying money to stay in this relationship. My best friend has moved to another city too and she is doing so well for herself. I am so proud of her. She has personally grown so much. And I guess it has highlighted for me that I don’t think I have. I am not sure. I feel stagnated I guess.
But nothing in terms of the relationship is wrong. And I honestly don’t think I could ever love someone the same. SO has offered to change, to do whatever it takes to make me happy. But I can’t quantify it. There is nothing I can really point to. I just feel … tired? bored?… Old. I have kicked so much butt and overcome so many struggles and for what? I have nothing to show for it.
I wanted a break. Space and time to sort it out and figure out what I want. He has made it clear we can’t ‘take a break.’ It would have to be a ‘clean break’ (his words) or he couldn’t cope. So we either stay together and work through it or we break up and never speak again.
I still love him. He loves me more deeply than ever. We have been through so much together and it seems wrong to just roll over and give up now, over this…
But I feel different on the inside.
I don’t know what else to say. Sorry Bees. I have no adults in my life to turn to. I don’t know who to ask for advice. What do I do from here?