Post # 1
A while back I posted about how my best friend didn’t attend my “destination” wedding. Back then, many of you were very supportive and understanding of my feelings while others felt I needed to be kinder and more understanding of my friend. As the months passed since my wedding, I decided I needed to “let go” of any uneasy feelings and make amends with my friend. Here’s a recap of what happened before:
When I started considering having my wedding out of state in order to make sure most of the family could attend, I asked her if she’d be able to make it (because it was very important to me to have her there and as a bridesmaid). She said she’d definitely be there.
Fast forward a few months, wedding plans ongoing, she tells me she’s having some challenges with money. Hence, because I really wanted her to attend, I offered to help her out and gave her ideas on how to plan her traveling so that she didn’t have to miss work (or, at most, one day). However, she said she’d figure it out, which I respected. For weeks and then months she kept telling me she was “figuring it out.” I even told her if she couldn’t make it, that I’d understand, but she kept giving me hope, particularly because she got a significant pay bump and even said she’d bring her boyfriend. So, I proceeded to plan everything counting on her as a bridesmaid. Unfortunately, only weeks before my wedding, she tells me her boss is having her sent to Florida for a couple months and that she can’t take any time off. That then changed to Virginia and then it changed again to Los Angeles. In the end, she didn’t travel anywhere and still didn’t make it to my wedding. After the wedding, she told me she discovered her boss was a compulsive/pathological liar who kept telling her that she’d have to travel, make her pack, only to cancel everything the very day she was supposed to fly. At that point, I was so overwhelmed and confused by her change of stories that I just told her I understood and thanked her for trying so hard to make it to my wedding.
As time passed by, my husband encouraged me to try to repair the friendship and try to make amends with her because it’s never good on oneself to hold on to such feelings. So, a couple of weeks ago, we finally made plans to have dinner together. To my (not?) surprise, she ended up cancelling on me about 2 hours before we were supposed to meet citing that she had fallen behind on work and had to stay longer. Naturally, I was disappointed (yet again). So, while I absolutely don’t need to see her face-to-face to move on/let go of whatever feelings I have on my own, I’m just wondering if this is a friendship that I should just acknowledge it has ended and leave it at that. How do you know when it’s time to let go of a friend?
Post # 2
It sounds like this friendship has run it’s course. If she’s constantly flaking on you, I would take that as a sign that she’s not interested in making an effort. It sucks, but sometimes in life we just grow apart.
Post # 3
It also sounds like work is a huge, possibly controlling, part of her life. But the main thing is that she’s not prioritising your friendship. I would leave the ball in her court now to make it up to you, and if that doesn’t happen then I’d move on
Post # 4
I think you should try to move passed it. That work situation is bizarre… I would think that because she canceled on you, it would be in her court to schedule something again. It hurts when a friendship ends but it happens.
Now you know that you did what you could to repair the friendship, so it won’t be in the back of your mind
Post # 5
I don’t think you have to end anything, it sound like the friendship is dead. Id stop making plans and reaching out. Sadly this kind of thing happens.
Post # 6
is102017 : Hard to say since I don’t know either of you or what your friendship has been like apart from what you’ve posted here. That said, I find the work thing incredibly weird- her boss is really a pathological liar and she thinks she has to travel up to the moment she’s about to leave for the airport then to find out there was never any travel? She was just going to show up to the airport with no ticket, flight confirmation, etc? Maybe I’m cynical but my first thought would be to assume she’s using work in order to cancel her plans.
Was she always flakey? Is it just since getting this job? Is it since she started dating her boyfriend?
I’d probably stop reaching out, ball is in her court. I wouldn’t necessarily call off the friendship, but I wouldn’t make her a priority.
Post # 7
You know when the friendship becomes more trouble than it’s worth and begins to get one-sided, I think it’s time to cut it loose. Why would you even waste your time on someone who is actively showing you that they don’t care about spending time with you? It’s like you’re running after someone who is running in the opposite direction.
Do you really want to hang out with someone that you have to chase down and tackle just to spend some time with you?
Post # 8
I don’t straight up say “friendship over!” but if someone starts cancelling on me a lot or I start to suspect I’m putting in more effort than them I just.. step back.
I have a couple friendships currently on the backburner like this.. where, if they invite me I’ll happily say yes and show up and have fun.. but I’m not going to be the one doing the set-up time after time. I try to be the one making the plans every-other time just to be fair, but not surprisingly as a result ball is somewhat perpetually in their court. I feel zero guilt as I assume it means they don’t really care/notice.
Post # 9
I won’t cut people off as such, unless they’ve done something that makes me think they’re not the kind of people I want to hang out with anymore or that I don’t enjoy their company or don’t see any point in having a friendship with them.
If I find a friendship has become one sided (eg I’m always the one making plans or initiating), or if they perpetually cancel on me, I’ll just tell them “ok you tell me when you’re free to hang out, I’ll leave it up to you”. And ball’s in their court. If they do, cool, if they don’t, I’m just going about living my life as I would.
Post # 10
Sounds like a one sided friendship unfortunately. I would just stop organising things with her and stop bothering to reach out. If she cares she will reach out to you. Not sure I would reply though.
Post # 11
I get what you’re going through, my advice is to stop reaching out to her. As adults we don’t really need to declare the friendship as over, we just let it quietly dwindle away.
Personally, I just got married and my husband and I plan to buy a house and start trying for a baby over the next year. With everything going on I just don’t want to put time and effort into one-sided friendships that just lead to me being disappointed. So basically if I make a few attempts to get together with someone and each time they come up with a reason why they can’t (yet they have plenty of time for other friends – as I can see from social media) then I simply stop reaching out, and I don’t bother them again unless they attempt to make plans with me. Then if they never make the effort to hang out with me, and we stop thinking of eachother when we have exciting or upsetting news to talk about then the friendship is pretty much over. It doesn’t need to be said. The friendship could always return, but I’ve found that when friendships end they never return as strong so they end up dwindling away again
Post # 12
Idk what happened to my comment, sorey if this is a dup, but I screenshotted it for you 🤦♀️