Post # 1
I won’t go into too much details but my bf and I moved in with each other for a little bit over a year now. And since then, we have had a fair share of fights.. and it’s getting to the point now that we are both really fed up when we get into another argument. But once things cool down, we talk it out calmly.. and both can admit to our own faults etc. But then the cycle continues.
I think we have a communication problem because the way we think is so different from one another. And I can admit.. I am can be a hot head and he is just clueless some times, or he just isn’t aware of things that i would think is common sense.
We’re both tired of fighting and making up, fighting and making up. We have had the talk that we both might be better off just ending things and that maybe we aren’t a good match.. but at the same time, it hurts both of us that every time we talk about it, we end up just getting emotional and tearing up.
I feel like the dynamics of our relationship has changed a bit recently, and we’re both just walking on thin ice right now. I’m confused and don’t know what to do.. is it really time to break up, or did we not try hard enough to hold onto what we have?
Post # 2
It sounds like you are past ready to break up. I’m sorry, bee. Pull off the bandaid and make arrangements for who is moving out. There’s no way to heal while you’re living together, but it sounds like you both know it’s over and has been for a while.
Post # 3
I dont know about anyone else, but for me its when I look at someone and Im either indifferent or angry at every single thing they do. I had an ex boyfriend and fought like cats and dogs. Everything was an argument. It got to the point one day where I just didnt care to fight anymore, and I just wanted him gone. We lived together at my place, and I asked him to leave.
He wouldnt go and then the angry phase started. Everything he did made me angry. So finally I broke down, called a friend and went and stayed with her until he vacated the apartment.
Post # 4
The reason you’re feeling this way is not bc it happened once or twice, its because its a cycle. I could see if it was one ended, but seems like he’s feeling the same.
MEANING, if communication is worked on, you guys will be relieved to see how strong you guys really can be. Practice remaining calm, and if you feel like youre about to blow up/or he, take a moment away from further convo until youre in the right state of mind to go through a disagreement calmly.
it’s not easy. Good communication is the hardest thing to master in a relationship…its the fundamental reason for most failed marriages. Work on it together when you guys are both in a good mood.
After an argument, most ppl try to talk about the actual scenario/situation calmly (and feel better about, until it happens and blows up again), instead of talking about how to COMMUNICATE for future situations. This is a vital and important step in the process.
Or: you can give up and potentially find yourself in the same problem with someone else. Your partner needs to be open and receptive to wanting to progress as a couple.
Post # 5
There is no simple answer but things that would make me consider ending it:
- Incompatible future goals
- Incompatible personalities (“everything” has to be worked at – good relationships arent that hard)
- Being generally unhappy or more unhappy than happy
This next part is more subjective… but Ive had past relationships with good men who met my criteria – I was attracted to them mentally and physically, they had their “shit together”, we wanted the same things, etc…. and for all of my life that was good enough.
Then I met my fiance and damn he sets my soul on fire. He gets me, he loves me as I am, we can have fun doing anything, hes my best friend and favorite person to be with. We had a pretty instant connection that I have never experienced with anyone else. Hes an amazing father and knows how to be a man/husband/father in the classic sense that most 30 something men I know still havent figured out.
I will say… if he ever dies… dating again would be damn near impossible because the bar is so high. So… if your boyfriend doesnt make you feel that way… move on. Dont settle and miss out on the right one for you. It took me 33 years to find him and I would wait again.
Post # 6
khloemichelle : Would either of you be open to couples therapy to learn how to communicate better? It sounds like it’s over to me, but if you wanted to put in more effort before calling it quits that could be an option since you two haven’t been able to figure out how to end this cycle of fighting on your own.
For me, I knew it was over with my ex long before I actually ended it. We just grew apart and I found myself getting SO annoyed with every thing he did, I was embarassed to go out with him because he’d ask stupid questions to our server, or just be oblivious to things and I didn’t have the patience for it.
I wanted him to be a different person (and vice versa), once I REALLY realized that, I knew it was time to leave.
Post # 7
I think how long you’ve been together and how old you are would be relevant here. If you’ve been together only a year or so, just end it. You don’t have that much invested. It’s trickier if you’ve been together for 5 years or something, but that does NOT mean you should stay in the relationship–just that it’s trickier to end it. If you’re both in your early or mid-twenties, I wouldn’t ever advise that you stick with something just for the sake of it; I advise young people in their twenties to explore and not be ready to settle down immediately, especially in a relationship like the one you describe (a relationship that is not currently healthy and may not ever have the tools to be healthy).
Do you WANT to work on this problem? Do you WANT to go to counseling (which may not help) and make a concerted effort to change your behavior, to grow and mature? Or does that sound like more of a burden? How you actually feel about putting forth major effort matters here–if you don’t feel good about, it’s not going to work and you’ll be prolonging the pain.
Post # 8
khloemichelle : when the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes love is not enough. Constant fighting/strife would not work for me. I would end it. I think you already know you should do that….
Post # 9
I had a few relationships where we were constantly on and off. Things never got back on track, even though we tried to force it. I finally learned to not waste anymore time on toxic relationships. Ending things and fully moving forward will help you grow and find a mature, healthy, stable relationship with someone else.
If you have doubts, listen to them. You either need to fully address the issues with you and your partner or break up. Things will not get better on their own.
Post # 10
princessanon0125 : this.
If you can’t look at your partner without feeling negative or worse, nothing at all. If the things that you once loved that he does now makes you squirm. If you start wondering if the grass is greener more often than you don’t, then that’s your answer.
It sounds like you guys have both kind of given up. I’m sorry Bee. It’s the worst when it doesn’t work out.
Post # 11
I made the rule for myself that if I ever had to ask that question about a relationship, that’s when you should break up.
It may not work for everyone, but it’s been so damn right for me so far.
Post # 12
I broke up with my ex when I realised I’d be happier alone than I would be with him.
Post # 13
khloemichelle : It just depends, when my SO and I moved in together we had a bit of a rough patch that honestly lasted on and off for the first year we lived together. We had never fought before we moved in and then once we lived together if we fough our fights would get heated in a way they never had before and I went through a small period of thinking “is this ok? Is the relationship still good?” and came to the conclusion it was. For us personally, neither of us had ever been in a serious relationship before, we’d both gone through our lives thinking me and we didn’t know how to change to thinking about us, thinking as a team. We would both get competitive and stubborn when it came to fights and they would escalate. BUT what redemed it for me was the fact that we understood what was causing this and after every fight, once we had calmed down, we would discuss where we went wrong and what we needed to do to change the outcome for next time, as well as discuss the actual problem of the fight and come to an agreement we were both happy with through listening to hear not respond. This had to happen a couple of times before real change set in for the both of us and this kind of thing no longer happens! We’ve both been able to change our mentalities from “I need to protect me” to “we need to protect us” and work as a team right from the start.
This happened because both of us were willing to learn from our mistakes and put genuine time and effort into changing our reactions, thought processes, and selfishness. Other people being in my situation might have left but I’m so glad I didn’t. We both just needed to grow up and learn how to be better and we supported each other, now that we have everything is fantastic.
It’s very situational, plus we didn’t fight all the time (although you didn’t lay out what that means in your case, some people would say every day is all the time and others would say once a month is all the time, how often are you fighting?) it was once every couple of months. Also neither of us has ever gotten to the point of being unhappy more than we were happy and we also didn’t hold any grudges and there was no built up resentment so it’s hard to give advice without knowing some of those things.
If I was unhappy more than I was happy that’s when I would leave. If it was taking me weeks to get over an argument and for that period of time I was unhappy I would leave. When we get into an argument I feel unhappy for max. the day of, usually not even the full day. If I was constantly worried about fighting and trying to avoid a fight every day that’s probably when I would leave too.
Post # 14
I’ve seen couples in your situation stay, and I’ve seen couples fall apart. You say that the reasons for fighting is often that “he is clueless” and you are “hothead”. It sounds like you start most of the fights? If so, eveluate if you see anything long-term with him. If you are not starting the majority of fights, then find the triggers and patterns of things escalating.
Post # 15
From experience, when a issue doesn’t improve. Towards the end of my 1st relationship, we were always bickering. There were doubts in my mind constantly and I couldn’t squash the feeling that something wasn’t right. Breaking up will hurt because you love each other, but you may not be right for each other.