Post # 1
I went through a really hard breakup about a year and a half ago. It was my second serious relationship, lasted 5 years, and ended when he cheated on me. My first serious relationship ended the same way as well. I haven’t dated since – I know a year and a half is a long time but it took a lot of effort to get past it and left me quite broken. I’m 30 now and don’t want to have to give up on finding someone who could be the right match for me. I decided to try online dating and as I start to get messages and guys wanting to meet up I feel a little scared. Of what, I don’t really know (maybe the fear of having to potentially go through heartbreak again one day, or maybe a fear of not finding someone I truly like). I am not sure if after a year and a half I should be feeling more confident in dating. Do I just have to try going out on some dates to see if I’m ready? I don’t even know how to do this dating thing anymore – any insight would be great. Thanks!
Post # 2
gemma87 : hi bee. Dating after heartbreak is tough, but I think you are right. You just need to try and see how it feels. Try online dating. Some dates will be bad. Some may be good. All it takes is one brilliant one to change your life. Good luck bee. I know it’s tough, opening your heart up again. I did it. Was heartbroken. Single for a long time, lots of shitty dates but then my SO walked into my life and I’m beyond happy I went on a date with him!
Post # 3
Your story sounds very similar to mine. Broke up with my long-term boyfriend (together 8 years, lived together for 6) and I was 30 as well when we broke up. I took a year long break. Once I decided to try dating again I joined Tinder (insert eye roll) and on the way to my first “date” I literally thought I’d have to pull the car over so I could barf.
It’s not easy at first, but I will say, it gets EASIER. It’s like interviewing – you have to do it to sharpen your skills. The first time you’ll be super nervous and put a lot of pressure on yourself, but after a few dates you’ll realize that you’re just one of many people trying to find someone who “gets them.” Once you understand that, it’s easier to relax and be yourself and not take it to heart so badly when it doesn’t work out. I went on a LOOOOT of first dates and have a LOOOTTT of really cringe-worty stories because of it, but at least I was out living my life!! I think if you’re considering it now, you’re likely ready – but only you can say for sure. That first date will feel really weird, but you’ll get the hang of it!!
Best of luck!!
Post # 4
I found dating after a breakup to be like going into a swimming pool. Some people jump right in, while others sit at the side, first dangling their feet, then going in up to their stomach before finally going under the water. I was the kind that dived right in, but that doesn’t mean that going slow is wrong.
If you’re really concerned about “dating”, I would look into getting involved in a group instead that isn’t focused on dating. There are a ton of groups on Meetup (I wish I had know about this). There are singles groups in big cities that focus on just getting together and doing things vs finding a relationship. That way you’re not putting any pressure on yourself. This is exactly how a coworker friend of mine met her now husband. She had gotten out of a bad relationship and wasn’t quite ready to date but was tired of sitting at home. She took a cooking class for the fun of it and her husband did the same thing. They became friends with some other people in the class and went out together in a group. Slowly they started talking more and more until he asked her out. I know of other people that are in social groups just to get out and have fun too.
If you go on dates not getting your expectations too high, that will help as well. Date for the fun of it, not just looking for “the one”.
Post # 5
After my last bad breakup, I only waited a couple months to start dating. But I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship right away – it was more like market research. I wanted to know what was out there, I wanted to keep myself busy and potentially meet nice people, and I wanted to practice my dating skills. I went on MANY dates before I met my SO, but I’m (mostly) glad for those experiences. Yes, there were some serious duds, but they helped me recognize right away all the things I like about my SO that I hadn’t found in other guys.
I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship when I started going on those first dates, but I put myself out there and tested the waters. That’s what I would recommend you do — just look at it as an experiment, and if you feel uncomfortable or unready at any point, you can always back away. Having an exchange of messages on a dating site is as low commitment as you can get – you don’t even have to agree to go out with them, let alone get locked into a relationship anytime soon. Take it one step at a time. See how the conversations go. If and when you want to meet up, go for the first date, but keep it low pressure.
Post # 6
I hated my experience on POF, but if you’re actually on a more reputable or paid membership dating site, you might have more luck. An online friend of mine has apparently met her prince on Christian Mingle after a couple of guys with whom it didn’t work out.
I met my FH on twitter, technically. 😉 Sometimes, I think it’s just as good to get involved with something fun online that doesn’t specifically involve dating, and you’ll make friendships with people. In my case, it was fandom of a sports team. A bunch of us would hang out at “tweet-ups” after the game, and, well, here we are.
Wishing you much fun and a positive future.
Post # 7
Hi Bee, it’s great you are being brave and putting yourself out there! Have you tried meetup groups? There are a lot of singles events out there. It takes some of the pressure off of online one on one dating at least in the beginning
When I was ready to get out there I did those a lot. If you take some of your girlfriends you can make it a fun night out and if you meet someone that’s awesome! And if not you just had a good night with your girls. I hated online dating and meet my bf at a singles meetup. We’ve been together for almost two years and will be moving in at the end of this month. Good luck, he’s out there;)
Post # 8
I went through a really rough break up several years ago. It was so bad I moved across the country to escape it and occupy myself with a fresh start. I dated a lot out there, and probably had one too many hookups (whatevs). But I also met a lot of really awesome people! When I moved back to my home state, I was ready to meet someone. So I did online dating. I made myself go on one date a week. I literally used all of those dates to get better at dating. I rarely said no to meeting someone, just so I could feel more comfortable when I eventually did meet someone worthwhile.
I used OK Cupid. This was right before Tinder became a thing. I had a lot of bad dates. I told myself that I would try one more date before I switched to a paid site. Fiance was that last date. And the rest is history!
Put yourself out there. You may be surprised!
Post # 9
Why not agree to meet up with one or two guys and just feel it out? Suggest something casual, like a walk in the park or coffee, just to get your feet wet again so to speak. Don’t put any pressure on the situation, and you may find that its actually really fun.
When I was getting over my ex, I agreed to go on many first dates. Some were great, some were pretty terrible, but it got my mind off of my ex and allowed me to see that there were guys who were interesting and fun and smart in the world. A bonus was that one guy introduced me to a few new bands that I now love, and another guy took me to a pottery class, which is not something I would have ever done on my own. It was fun trying new things and broadening my horizons.
Keep in mind that its just dating. You don’t have to see these guys for a second date if you don’t want to. You get to decide what speed works for you.