(Closed) How do you know whether to invite someone?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It sounds like you’ve given up trying with Sally, but would still like to be her friend.  

It also sounds that Sally and Jane click more than you and Sally or you and Jane.

If you are ok having them as distant aquaintances, knowing they’ll never be close friends, and still would like them at the wedding –  then I’d extend the invitation to them.  Conversely, if knowing that they will never really be close friends is a deal breaker for an invite, then I wouldn’t invite them.

Also – I wouldn’t NOT invite them, just because they have grown closer to other people and you are sad that it wasn’t you.  Friendships wax and wane over time – sometimes you are drawn to other people over others… 

What rule have you been using for other friends?  Is it based on a frequency of how often you get together with them, etc?

Post # 5
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

eeek. I know how you feel. I am not going to invite someone I went dress shopping with. It just she happened to be with me when I found out that the store was having a sale and we were waisting time after work. but our excuse is we are not invited anyone from where we currently live since we just moved here a few years ago as our guest list is already at the limit without anyone from here and this way i dont have to feel obligated to invite ppl from work!

Post # 6
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It seems kind of odd to invite someone to something as personal as dress shopping if you weren’t going to invite her to the wedding.   I invited people that I knew I wanted to make sure I celebrated with, plus the 200 random relatives and friends my parents invited.

Post # 7
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Would you actually, truly and egitimately, miss any of these people if they were not at your wedding? Would your heart hurt if they missed it? Could you call on them for extra support if your marriage hit a rough spot? Would you pick up the phone and call them to share happy news of a promotion or precnancy? If not, they are acquaintenances and not friends. Do you really want to share such a special moment with an acquaintenance?

Post # 9
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I only said that because my coworker consulted me on every single detail of her wedding planning, picking shoes, selecting invitations, her wedding jewelry, buying outfits for flower girls, hosted a bridal shower for her at the office.  She had bridesmaids that lived out of town and had families, so I accompanied her on several trips to help her buy things for her wedding.  We didn’t really hang out except at work and sometimes after, but I thought we were really friends.

I know she was having a very small wedding, but I would be lying if I said my feelings weren’t hurt. 

Post # 10
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissHighHeel: ah, I see.  Then, your answer is: no on Sally (regardless of the dress shopping).  As for John and Jane, it’s really up to you.  Meaning, if you do invite them, I’m sure it would be an honor for them.  But, I don’t think it would guarantee any sort of increase of frequency in you seeing them or deepening the friendship.  If you are ok with that – then invite them.  If that hurts your feelings and/or puts the relationship in perspective, then don’t invite them (it doesn’t matter that you went to a bridal show, etc.)

Post # 11
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

@MissHighHeel: Acquaintenances did not make our guest list. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they make yours. What will it cost you (socially and financially) to invite them? What do you have to lose if you don’t invite them? Do a cost/benefit analysis and see how it works out.

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MissHighHeel: In a situation like this, I really do not think they will be “hurt” if they dod not receive an invite. The couple live close and still can’t bother to call?

I would not extend an invitation and include only those who make an active effort to be apart of your life

Post # 13
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It also matters what size wedding you are having and if the equivalent of the degree of friendship/acquaintanceship (not sure that’s a word) is being invited on your Fiance side or from another circle of friends. And would inviting Jane and Sally mean that you are not able to invite someone else that your parents wanted to invite…

One final consideration that I will throw your way…do you want Sally (or even Jane reporting back to Sally) at your wedding if she is the type that you will worry what she is thinking about your day? It tends to be those “not nice” people on my invite list (they are must-haves for me though – FI’s good friends’ wives) that I find myself thinking (and even stressing over) what they will think of our choices. Stupid, but it matters. 

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