- 5 years ago
So I am curious to hear how other bees handle their relationship with trust… and faith that it will all workout. And push away any doubts or fears and insecurities that it will not end up doomed like so many relationships everyday!
Now first, I know a lot of my posts revolve aroudn something negative.. but my relationship isn’t all bad.. it’s actually really good most of the time.. and I think that’s what scares me sometimes! So I just wanted to say that to kinda clear some of the air there 🙂
I had a talk with my SO last night on skype.. turned a little gloomy because I was voicing some of my fears to him (that I have voiced before.. ) that maybe the distance will ruin us… that maybe he is settling with me and would be better suited with someone else.. (I can’t help but feel like he’s out of my league sometimes), that I am afraid he will wake up one day and realize he doesn’t love me…
A lot of these fears I know logically can’t be true.. but I can’t shake them off!some days I am fine and blissfull and other days it’s like my brain hates me and decides to tell me all the possible horrible outcomes we could have… it’s draining.. for me and my SO when I come to him with this..
Last night he told me something that stung.. “how do you think it makes me feel, I am here trying to skype with my girlfriend and here you are telling em all these things, makes me feel like you don’t have faith in us..” and he’s right.. it’s like I don’t!
He is a great guy, he hasn’t done anything major to hurt me.. biggest thing was way early in our relationship. I wanted to be FB official.. silly i know.. and I don’t think he was ready, he is a very private person and didn’t want to put it on there till we had been together longer.. not be like those couples that are in a relationship one week and break up the next. Well, he changeed it on fb.. but in a way that only me and my sisters could see the post and no one else, I foudn out cuz his mom asked and she couldn’t find it.. I felt so hurt! and lied to and embarrassed… it was a huge fight because I felt he lied.. but we talked it through and he told me why he didn’t feel ready at the time.. I resented him for a while and aroundt he 6 month mark he changed it for real.. and well that’s in the past.. but I think that was a big wake up call for both that we can’t have those tupe of lies in our relationship, id rather hear, hey im not raedy, than be lied to!
Anyway, I am seriously considering therapy lately because I think I am the root of this not trusting issue.. granted yes his little slip there didn’t help.. but ever since I can remember I either have fallen for guys that don’t want me back… or if they say they do.. I always feel like “oh, hes just confused he will change his mind.. he doesn’t know what he is saying..”
And so I find it hard to dive into a relationship or into love.. I stay guarded, and I dated about 3 guys before for very short time (less than 4 months).. and broke up like it was nothing because I never let myself like it.. and thought.. “oh it will end anyway”.. also I ended all those 3..
the 4th (the one before htis one) relationship started the same and ended the same, but when we got together again i fell head over heels.. i dove.. and it was a very rollercoaster like relationship.. with on and off periods.. eventually the last time we got together we wernet even “together” i was basically his sex buddy.. but with hope that he would want more eevntually.. turns out he didn’t and a “friend” he was talking to a lot at the time, ended up becoming his Girlfriend two weeks after he ended the “Non thing” with me.. I was crushed.. at the time I thought he was the one.. etc etc etc..
And now I am with my current SO… who has come a long way since we started dating.. we’ve had our rough spots with communication, and setting expectations but he has made an effort time and time again.. and it’s like I know he lvoes me.. and then i doubt it.. wth? why can’t I accept someone actually wants to be with me and let that be that?
We talked early on that neither one of us trully believes in soulmates, or “the one”, that it takes effort to be with someone and it is a choice.. that we could be with other people and probably be happy, but eventually you gotta pick someone and stick with them! At the time I agreed and still kinda do, logically it makes sense…
But a part of me feels like I can’t click w anyone else like I do with him, and if we were to break up I would be crushed.. and I can’t picture him being as crushed.. he says he would be sad and that he isn’t going anywhere.. but why can’t I SHAKE THIS FEELING.. I know he needs to have my trust.. and why am I holding back?? I am so scared to get hurt.. although I already would be hurt anyway if it ended…
He says he chooses me because he wants me.. it’s like i want him to be devastated if we ended and fight fo rme.. and I guess he has fought for me when we have had issues.. so idk what it is I want.. to feel safe..
I have to say, when feel he is otu of my league is probably becuase he is fit.. and active and well ive always hated my looks.. in my head I picture him with someone cuter, fit, girly and just more feminine.. and I am kinda quirky, not the most feminine, skinny, etc.. yet he says he is very attracted to me, my looks and personality and that if he wasnt he wouldnt be here.. so why doesnt that stick either??
Sometimes I think I lost all my trust with the last guy.. when he told me that girl was a friend.. i didnt doubt him.. and i was wrong.. and maybe now i am hesitantn to trully trust anything anyone says?
Anyway, I can’t picture my guy purposely hurting me or cheating.. I don’t see that in him, but my fear is that he just wont want me anymore.. and leave.. or stick around ebcause he pitties me.. sigh, this is my brain you guys.. i hate it..
Just saying all this I feel better, i have told my guy and he knows.. he tries to be patient, but he does get frustrated that he has to keep reassuring me time and time again.. and I don’t blame him.. when my brain isn’t telling me these thigns I am very happy and joyful and feel so blessed.. maybe I feel so bleessed I feear the universe will be like, JUST KIDDING, you can’t be this happy… lol
I am considering therapy.. but does anyone else struggle with this sometimes? and how do you cope?