(Closed) How do you let go of the hate for the Future In-Laws? VENT!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
11351 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

The short answer is, choose NOT to drink the poison.  Let that cup pass you by.

You are discovering that you do not have the power to do ANYTHING to change your FI’s family or the negative circumstances that they create when they are around you.  However, you, and only you, are able to control your response to not only his family but also their actions.

Quite honestly, the only way that I, personally, have ever found the power and strength to be able to do this is through my relationship with God. He alone has enabled me to love “unloveable” people and to forgive those who have hurt me. However, since I do not know anything about your personal belief system, I don’t know what your thougths may be regarding this. 

Post # 4
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes, I have experience in dealing with my SO abusive parents.

Over the years we have found that him distancing himself, and me creating even more distance for myself is the only thing that works.

Lim sorry to saythat, but it’s our experience.

Post # 5
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wittttybride:  Regarding your ILs contrbution to the wedding I have to say you come off as really entitled.  They have no obligation to contribute to your wedding.  Of course it’s a nice when parents offer the help, but under no circumstances is it to be expected.  I don’t care if they can drop $50k on a boat or if they’re on food stamps.  It’s their money, so don’t count it, it’s really none of your business.  (And yes, they have 15 guests.  Not a lot at all.  My parents are covering the cost of the reception and my FIs family makes up about 60% of the guest list.  This is simply the reality of planning and paying for a wedding).

Now, on to how you allow this to affect your relationship with your Fiance.  You fight over his parents, their attitude, their behavior, their actions, etc.  Do you realize how silly it is to fight over things you both have NO control over?  It’s ridiculous.  Beyond being foolish, it’s detrimental to your relationship.

I’ll give you, they don’t sound like prize parents.  But they are HIS parents and he has HIS way of dealing with them.  You allow it to impact your relationship because you expect him to handle it another way – you wanted him to ask them for money, you wanted him to call his Dad out for not sticking around to hang out.  I have to be honest, it’s borderline controlling.  He’s an adult, and he can handle these issues the way he sees fit.  Now IF, and only IF, he gets disappointed and brings that baggage home and into your personal relationship, then you got a problem worth addressing. 

To answer the question you posted:  How do you let go of the hate for the Future In-Laws?  You let go of the hate for them out the love you have for him.  You let go to be supportive. You let go for the sake of your relationship.  You let go of it out of obligation to him as your future husband.  You are a few short weeks away from making vows to love him and support him for the rest of your days.  This is a good way to start… let this shit go!  It’s hard, I know, but this is one of many sacrifices you have to make in a marriage. 

Good luck OP.

Post # 6
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

After reading your post, I feel that even if they cannot contribute monetarily (which it sounds like they can), they can contribute with helping to set-up, decorate, organize, book vendors etc… I feel the way they are acting towards the wedding is actually quite ridiculous (especially because they do really like you). I feel that not even offering to help in any way, is truly a slap in the face and I understand why you are so upset by this.

In regards to the family issues, I think it’s important that his sisters monetary future is discussed. It should not be left up to you and your fiance to assume all responsibilty for her (even though I’m sure you are happy to help). If his family cuts him off for broaching this topic, it really demonstrates their true colors and their friendship was probably on borrowed time anyways.

I say stay strong, speak with him with factual information and avoid any sarcasm etc.  (I know how hard that can be to avoid when you are angry). If you level with him while avoiding hurtful remarks towards his family, he will be more inclined to listen and work as a team. Give him a hug, tell him you understand and say you need to work towards a solution rather than avoiding the conflict.

Either way you are going to have a wonderful wedding, a great future husband and I hope it works out for you 🙂

 

Post # 7
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Please start putting a small fund away for his sister and learning about different options and issues with her dissability. As an infant and toddler I didnt go to daycare I went to L’Arche with my mom since she worked there and its an incredible organization. My step dad worked in the field for 13 years (average lifespan is 5 years) and we have seen many issues arrising from lack of education on the issue for example wait times for programs and application requirements. Let his family be your not going to change them but you can really prepare at being a caregiver for his sister.

Post # 8
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I can fully relate to the hugely negative feelings towards the inlaws. When you said : My fiance is always trying to protect them and please them, when they do absolutely nothing to deserve it.
It reminded me of the situation with my own inlaws.

Recently I discovered that the root of my negativity stems from them having more control over the wedding than I do, for the same reason- My Fiance not wanting to disappoint them, and basically having his head up their ass.

I think you should sit down and really think about what it honestly is that is driving you most nuts, try to talk to your Fiance and then try to resolve it.
We had a breakthrough last night when I FIRST REALISED why it was that I was actually SOooo mad at them ALL the time, and when I told my Fiance it was the wedding stuff and how they have more control, I think it put things in a different perspective. He started supporting me more than them, and has decided that his alliance is with me. I have never felt better.

Obviously the situations are different, but I think you need to work through the surface stuff and get to the bottom of the anger 🙁 I think even just pinpointing the REAL deal breaker or whatever you want to call it, and acknowledging it out loud will help.

Post # 9
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Sounds just like my future in laws… Except for the fact that they are seperated and lives seperately. My SO is the one who pays for Future Mother-In-Law and FSIL’s rent and allowances. Just like you, his older sister is special needs/care and needs full caring during waking hours. But she is a sweetheart and after the Future Mother-In-Law is no longer able to care for her, she will be living with us. (His whole family won’t accept that having her stay in a facilitated care may be better for her)..

My parents are paying for the wedding and we are paying for the honeymoon and favors/gifts etc. Because his parents don’t get along with each other or other people we decided on a small wedding of just 20 guests. But they still manage to hurt my SO and me…and create major drama every so often.

What I’ve learned from dealing with them for the past 3 years… distance is the answer! I tried being nice/close/friendly/open/communicating…all that but nothing worked. Each time we got hurt more. When I got hurt by them, my Fiance would get hurt as well. 

So keep distance as much possible turned out to be the best solution. I will always get along with them but even after the wedding, I plan to distance myself continously.

You can’t change them…and it’s very hard to change how someone feels/deals with one’s family (e.g your/my FIs). Don’t be too sensitive to everything they do and how they influence your Fiance. If you react strongly each time, your Fiance will tell you less and less about the encounters with them. Hang in there!! Keep calm~ marry on! xoxo

Post # 10
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@KAT3:  I agree.

@wittttybride:  I’m in a similiar situation in that my SIL also has special needs and requires constant care.  There is a plan for her, but I wish we knew more details about it (what happens if the money held in trust runs out, who is in charge of her care when my inlaws pass away, etc).  It’s difficult because my family is very upfront about these sorts of things, whereas my inlaws are not.  They would probably be offended by the above questions, but I want to have the conversation anyway…mainly because the outcome of that conversation is going to affect MY family with my Darling Husband and any children we have.  My Darling Husband assumes that everything is covered, but I just want to know, you know?  I want to make sure that my SIL is taken care of (she is already on a waiting list for a special group home so that she can go there when my inlaws retire in a couple of years) and has the opportunity to do extras like camp and Disney World.  We have no intention of just leaving her at the group home as she is member of the family.  I’m sure that my inlaws are completely on top of this, but I still feel like I have a right to know.

So, your Darling Husband needs to step up.  If you guys are going to contribute to an RDSP, you need details.  You also need to understand what plans, if any, your inlaws have.  You HAVE to understand your SIL’s situation because you’re going to be taking care of her.  Your inlaws can joke all they want, but if there isn’t a plan, you guys are going to be screwed and your SIL is going to suffer.

The issues about the wedding and anger are tricky.  The money angle is hard, but it’s their choice.  Does it suck that they aren’t backing the lack of monetary help up with actual tangible help?  Yup.  Are they going to change?  Nope.  And it’s YOU that have to deal.  My inlaws are very hands off.  They don’t call.  They don’t tell us when grandparents are in the hospital.  They don’t plan things and then wonder why stuff doesn’t work out.  Planning the wedding was DIFFICULT.  I had to consciously let it go.  When dealing with them (and they are lovely…truly…this is just hard for me), I do (mostly) what I have to do in order to have less stress.  Can you think of any good points about them?  I also wouldn’t talk to them too much about the wedding…just make sure that they know where they are supposed to be and remember that when they don’t show up on time or dressed properly, it’s on them; not you.

Post # 11
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I concur with a PP in that you can choose to not let it affect you. At the same time don’t just pent up all your feelings. Just acknowledge that his parents can sometimes suck and focus on the positive because ultimately you do not want this to jeopardize the relationship you have with your fiance.

You and him loving each other isn’t enough. You’ll both have to try hard. I’ve never blown up at my fiance’s parents, but he does acknowledge my feelings in private. I’ll just put it this way, my Future Mother-In-Law has literally made my mom cry before, has assaulted her granddaughter’s other grandmother (she denies this happened even though there were witnesses), and people from their family have said that they thought I would end up breaking off the engagement because his immediate family is too much. I definitely go through periods of never wanting to talk to them again, but I always get over it. I always leave it up to my fiance. If he ever decides one day that he wants to be done with them forever, I’ll support him.

Aonther thing that helps is that we don’t expect a whole lot from our parents. Anything they give to us financially and emotionally is great, but we don’t expect it because when those expectations aren’t met, we get disappointed and sometimes crushed. 

Post # 12
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Can we be friends lol, my In-laws are so the same. Honestly though I have just learned (after 7 years) to not even bother, it isn’t worth my stress or our stress because they wont change no matter how much we try. Treat them as holiday family, put on a fake smile and enjoy that time together but otherwise don’t involve them in your life and don’t get involved in theirs. Distancing ourselves (we live in the same town just FYI) from my Inlaws problems was the best choice we made, hubby doesn’t feel bad about it because he now understands how messed up his family really is. We still visit and do enjoy our time with them but it is because we just dont get involved in their problems anymore and because they know very little about our lives they can’t say much to us.

Post # 13
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@wittttybride:  I  probably am going to take heat for this, but my daughter is getting married and we are covering the wedding for her bc we follow the etiquette that it is the brides family that covers the reception. We willingly do so. I do not think his side is required to do anything except perhaps the rehearsal dinner. My daughter’s fiance, R, his family is not paying for the rehersal dinner and we were surprised but we are ok with that as long as we know it advance to make other arrangements. 

My husband and I choose to deal with our inlaws in a way I will suggest to you now. My inlaws were horrible to me when they found out we were in engaged and we married anyway but they did not come to the wedding. Nothing is more horrible than to see the person you love not see their parents at the wedding no matter how much it might please you. It puts a cloud over  the relationship.  We divorced 10 years later. Five years after that we married and his parents came to our wedding. Huge difference.  His parents and I do not see eye to eye, but we share one thing in common we both love the same person and want the best for him. My husband deals with his family and I deal with mine. Strictly. I try never to “fix” it.  I do not tell my husband how his family should be and he is not able to tell me how mine should be. It is what it is.

I hope you are able to forgive his parents before your wedding. Bitterness in a wedding and a marriage is a real funsucker. Have a lovely wedding.

Post # 14
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It may help you to think of social skills as just one more skill that people should have learned by the time they are adults, but some people don’t. Just like some people are horrible at managing finances, some are bad at home repair, some people can’t sew or cook, or swim, or draw, or speak French, or put on makeup, or garden.

Some people learn that stuff growing up, and some don’t. It may not be entirely their fault that they just don’t have the social graces other people have. Maybe they should be willing to learn, but they may not even see what they are doing is different (have you ever seen the absent minded professor? the big bang theory?) from the rest of the world.

Yes, it is frustrating, and you are not responsible for fixing them. You can either try to help them or explain things in a way they understand or make suggestions (hey, Future Father-In-Law, why not take FH out to lunch?) (since they like you, that’s a good start, because they may be willing to listen), or you can distance yourself.

Post # 15
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I read your post and saw some of the comments. I do not believe that you are comming off as entitled because I too am going through the exact same thing. My inlaws contributed with $20.00 (twenty- thats right); and all because we are all not getting along. My mom and I paid for absolutely everything. 

While no, in theory, you shouldnt “demand” that they pay, you should still “Expect” them to. It is their son and they too should help either monetary or with actual help. And you know why that is happening to us, because like you stated in your description, we want things done fairly. But dealing with ignorance will not work. I dont know if your inlaws are that way, but mine are. And THAT is the reason why we are having so many problems. 

My now, husband’s family didnt help us with anything other than cause problems. They still showed up to the party and they still had the best time on my dime.

At the end of the day, if anything, I have learned when you are dealing with such closed people, you will have to bite your tongue and do what you have to do for you and your husband. You dont have to invite their friends “you cant afford it”. It’s your dime, spend it how you seem fit on the things you want. Not on things other people want for you.

 

Good luck. Pray a lot.  

Post # 16
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you’re coming off as entitiled. If they are inviting people, they should be contributing. How can an ebay boat be more important than your kid’s wedding??

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