How do you make a decision with your partner when you're not in agreement?

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
2003 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i would say which option makes the most sense down the road in a few years, a fence or plants. Do you plan on having kids, or pets, also the maintance of the two trimming plants every few years, etc etc. then a fence might make more sense.. Plus you can still plant even with a fence. 


certian things i just give into depending on how much a care, and the strong opinion decisions, ill compromise most of the times. 

Post # 17
3747 posts
Sugar bee

As others have said, we tend to go with whomever is most affected by the decision or most passionate about it. We also will look at the practical arguments for one over the other. For example, watering plants while they take time to be established is a pain in the butt. Who is willing to do that? If he is not and he was the one who wanted plants…well….

Usually when we think through all aspects of a situation, the answer becomes more clear. I also try to pick my battles, and if I don’t have a clear, strong, and practical reason for why my way is better, I will just let it go.


P.S. I know you don’t want advice on the plant/fence, but we literally just went through this. We ended up doing a fence for kid and animal containment and plants for privacy. Depending on your purpose and budget there really should be an obvious winner I would think.

Post # 18
1225 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

ImaStarr :  We hear each other’s side of the argument and try to understand the reasoning behind that. Then we put a pin in the conversation and revisit it so that we can approach it with a clearer state of mind and then make a decision. If we absolutely cannot find a compromise, sometimes one of us just has to suck it up for the sake of the other person’s happiness and benefit, even if we can’t understand it ourselves. Sometimes it isn’t about you- picking your battles, as they say. The only exception to this would be if the decision would set us back financially or as a couple. 

Post # 19
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

We ignore how we feel about it and approach the decision as a united front. We consider the factors going into the decision together and try to make the choice that works best for us. That way no one wins or loses, it’s just the best choice for the situation. In your example we would probably consider what other houses in the area have, how much maintenance would be required, cost, how it would affect the list price of the house, possible extra uses (plants might keep away or attract certain bugs while a fence could also be used for a pet or kids), etc.. 

This method works for us because we are both fairly pragmatic.

Post # 20
2242 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

ImaStarr :  I’m a pretty strong believer in the “Whoever cares more wins” system.

In most cases, we agree. When we don’t FH frequently gets his way because it upsets him more not to. He has some issues with OCD, so it’s not just that he has strong feelings, but that he tends to fixate on things to a degree that becomes disruptive not only to his happiness, but mine as well. Usually, it’s not worth the trouble. 

On the rare occasion that we fundamentally disagree AND both care the same amount, we talk about it. We each express our arguments for our position. And if we still can’t decide we put it off and try talking about it again in a week or so. Sometimes, one of us softens up and is able to compromise. 

If all else fails, I will simply state – as a matter of acknowledged fact – that I virtually always let him have his way and that I need him to let this one go. I’ve only done this 2 or 3 times in the 4 years we’ve been together, so I consider it kind of a nuclear option. As a result, when I DO make this claim, he tends to concede.  

Post # 21
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When there’s no logical/feasible compromise, I agree that it usually comes down who cares the most or who is most affected by the decision.

Sometimes it also comes down to who has more experience on the topic. For your example, Darling Husband does a lot of the yardwork (he used to work in landscaping and enjoys being outdoors), so I’d probably let him choose. However, if it had to do with something in my areas of knowledge, he would be expected to let me make the final call if we disagreed. 

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