(Closed) How do you nicely say "you're not invited"

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If your posted wedding date is correct, then it’s completely fine to say something vague like “We are still working on the final guest list” but as your date approaches you’ll have to be more blunt and say something along the lines of “It’s just close friends and family” (which will only work if it actually is smallish, but not if you’re inviting 300 people)

Post # 4
7340 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Say something like “I’m afraid we weren’t able to invite everyone that we wanted to celebrate with, but we’d love to get together some time after the wedding!” and leave it at that. Don’t offer any reasons like space or budget constraints because that gives them room to try to plead their case, and if you include a vague invite to a personal get together then it gets you on to another topic almost immediately. Then, keep all discussions of your upcoming wedding out of the public spaces— no facebook, no talking about it in front of other people, etc.  People will know you are getting married of course but if they are not being constantly reminded in other social settings, they will be less likely to assume they are invited.

Post # 5
9792 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MrsConnolly2bee:  ugh. I know I will be dealing with this when my time comes around. I have a HUGE group of college friends- I love them, but I cant invite them all! Certainly not the ones that I happen to…ahem…have “a past” with. 



Post # 6
2298 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@MrsConnolly2bee:  Right now, you can state that you are still working on your guest list….and as the time comes closer you can either say (depending on your wedding size as another poster has said) that it’s going to be close friends and family…or you can say that your venue only holds a certain amount and you had to cut people already that you would have loved to be there, but that you can get together sometime after the wedding and celebrate!!

Post # 7
581 posts
Busy bee

1. We’re going to be keeping it really small, just family and close friends..

Right now you could always say something about how you’re still working on/deciding the guest list.

Post # 8
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Although i haven’t had the issue of having a past with anyone, I have had to nicely tell people their not invited. I usually just say something along the lines of us having such a big family that there wasn’t room for many friends. Everyone has been pretty understanding. 

Post # 9
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Tough situation. I know you’ve had a rocky past with her, but how much do you actually value her friendship at this point in life?

If you care about sparing her feelings, then I’d suggest that you let bygones be bygones and send her an invite. Could be a chance to mend bridges.


Post # 10
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

Remember the first rule of Wedding Planning… DO NOT OVERSHARE


Doesn’t mean you have to answer them.

In this case I’d keep it as brief as possible… the less you say the better

“We are planning a small intimate Wedding”

OR if it is going to be a BIG Wedding “We haven’t finalized the Guest List Yet”

No need mention… anything about Family & Friends… cause that just reads as “select” Friends, and rubs the salt into the wound further.

Hope this helps,


Post # 11
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d say nothing.  They will figure it out when no invitation is received.

Post # 12
2508 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It is fine to just say it is far away and don’t have a guest list for now, but are keeping it small, but if you are giving everyone a plus one you can’t exactly put restrictions on who they can ask.  Unless they are in a serious relationship, they should probably use their best judgement since you have a past and it would be awkward, but people don’t always use their best judgement.  

I’d just ignore them, and make the guest list however you want to make your guest list and focus on your future


Post # 14
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I had this happen several times (our size was about the same as yours) – My default was something along the lines of:  “We wish we could celebrate with everyone, but weddings are so expensive and even Darling Husband isn’t inviting some of his extended family”….. for whatever reason, I could never get out “We are planning a small wedding” because it didn’t feel true.


On the flip side of things, guest list regret was a MAJOR factor for me post-wedding.  I really wish I didn’t stress so much about finances and added another 20-30 to our guest list. I was certain who would and would not show – but then life happened (illness, unforseen circumstances) – and I was down about 20 guests I thought were a for sure yes.  And, I didn’t anticipate how hurt aquaintance friends I really liked would feel getting snubbed.





Post # 15
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@MrsConnolly2bee:  “We are having an intimate ceremony, but we look forward to catching up with you after” “We have yet to finalize the guest list”

Post # 16
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

@MrsConnolly2bee: There were a few people who tried to invite themselves to our wedding. I just politely told them that only the very closest family & friends were being invited as we were trying to keep the cost down. If they still tried to talk me into letting them come I politely let them know that even some extended family were not even being invited. That usually worked. Some people acted hurt at first but they got over it.

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