How do you not go crazy waiting?

posted 3 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You can’t have it both ways. You won’t get to both have control and have a surprise. So in the mean time, live your life. And forget about it. Let it be a surprise.

I had told my DH I was ready about 2 months before he proposed. Then I forgot about it, and was TOTALLY surprised on the day. It was wonderful.

In the mean time. Get a hobby- not looking at wedding websites!

 

Post # 3
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

I agree that you unfortunately can’t have it both ways. You’ll either need to manage your anxiety and set aside your need for control, or you’ll need to tell your boyfriend that you’d like to be involved in the proposal process. Personally, I chose the second option and my fiancé and I picked my ring and planned the proposal together. It was a lot of fun and I am really glad I was involved! It took away the stress of not knowing, which is very hard for me to deal with, and just let me feel comfortable and enjoy everything. If you can’t find a way to manage your stress about not having control, then I would recommend sitting down with your boyfriend, letting him know how you feel, and telling him you’d like to be involved in the engagement process. If the alternative is constantly asking your boyfriend about the proposal for the next year, then you might risk potentially putting an unnecessary strain on that aspect of your relationship.

Congratulations on your upcoming proposal! I’m sure you’ll find a solution that works for you.

Post # 4
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Is a surprise really that pleasant if it’s causing you all this anxiety? All this build up to a “perfect” surprise proposal could lead to disappointment if it doesn’t meet your hyped up expectations, which will probably be compounded by your stress waiting.

You can play Cool Girl (and keep bugging him) or just ask him for a more narrow timeframe.

Post # 5
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@bluejellyfish:  I agree with this, OP if you do want to be involved and it’s causing you more anxiety (and annoying your bf asking all the time, which I am also guilty of myself lol) then you could consider talking to him about planning together. 

I’m the same as you – I’m a control freak and like to be involved with all the planning. My bf is not the most romantic planner so we agreed to co plan our engagement. We’re planning a mini trip in a few months, picked the airbnb together, and I picked the ring and he paid for it. I always thought I wanted a surprise engagement, but now that we’re planning it together it’s more fun because I get to enjoy every step of the process, and it’s special to share between us two! It’ll still have an element of surprise because we’re planning to write each other a sweet letter to read to each other when we mutually propose. Maybe something similar might work for you and your bf! Excited for you!!

Post # 6
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I get you! I plan everything, but it’s important for my partner for this to be a “surprise.”

I think it helped that we had a rough timeline. In October 2020 we agreed we would be engaged by September 2021, and he started saving for a ring. He told me when he bought the diamond in April 2021.

I know he wants to tell my parents he is proposing, and with COVID lockdowns ending, they have booked a trip to visit us at the end of June 2021. I also know my partner wants to propose outside (we are very outdoorsy people), but the best mountains aren’t snow free until July. So really, we are looking at July/August 2021.

He did let me look at the diamond as much as I wanted when he first got it. I was really excited and took it out most days for a few weeks, but have kind of forgotten about it in the last month.

We had talked about how a lot of my friends had big fights over proposals because so much value was placed on “surprise” by their partners that they didn’t consider my friends’ anxiety of when the proposal would happen. It was important for me to have open timeline discussions, and know where we were headed. It also helped that we spent a day ring shopping, looked at diamonds together online, and he told me when he ordered it/showed me the diamond.

The box has now been hidden and I have been told I’m not allowed to know when the ring is being set/when the proposal will happen (other than before September). I’m fine with that.

Post # 8
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s great you have had a discussion and agreed timeline. Relax and enjoy the journey 

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee

I understand that waiting can be stressful and can make you feel anxious. I am also a planner and I like having timelines, but simply knowing “it will happen by X date” just added to my stress. What really helped me was getting a bit involved with the planning process by picking out my ring setting and looking at the diamond my SO selected. I have a journal which I started for other reasons, but typing my thoughts in there also helped to alleviate a lot of the anxiousness caused by waiting.

Being involved with the planning, keeping yourself busy with your hobbies, or putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper may help manage the anxiety. You definitely don’t want to continue bugging your SO about the proposal.. that can be exasperating for him.

Post # 10
Member
3085 posts
Sugar bee

Are you truly positive you want it to be a surprise? It sounds like it’s causing a lot of stress and anxiety for you. And even if you do, is the impact of this on your emotional/mental health worth it?

Would a shorter timeline help? (Within the next 3 months or 6 months rather than 12 months)?

 

Post # 11
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@elphy94:  I also struggle a lot with anxiety and I agree this could be a good challenge for you to practice relinquishing control! That’s a positive way to reframe your situation instead of focusing on finding ways to take action, which might do more harm than good right now. Maybe in the meantime you could focus on the letter you might like to write for him so it’ll be ready whenever he pops the question 🙂 (idea: leave a copy of the text in your notes app on your phone so you have it wherever you go, whenever he proposes)

Post # 12
Member
1442 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

I think you need something to focus on to take your attention from this.

Have you got a pinterest board? I found this really gave me a project and helped a lot.

I started out by pinning things I loved (dresses, flowers, cakes, rings – everything), without thinking about cost or whether they’d be available in my country – just, if I liked it, I pinned it.

From there I began to notice patterns in what I was pinning which helped me to understand the kind of look and feel I’d want. It started out as a way to daydream about what our wedding would look like and to pass the time – I also enjoyed going to read engagement stories at howtheyasked.com. 

It was also super helpful to then show my now-fiance after we got engaged – I could ask him if the overall vibe looked ok to him, and because it was so visual, it gave him a much better idea of what was in my head, and we could whitle down what we liked and didn’t, and begin to actually see whether what I’d dreamed of was possible budget or location-wise.

And equally, if he’d hated all of it, I had time to think about something different altogether and begin again!

Post # 13
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee

If you’re happy with the timeline then I’d focus on other things. The proposal is a ways off. Surely you have some hobbies and interests to keep you busy!

If you do come to realize you’re not happy to wait that long feel free to revisit the conversation and move it up a bit more. You can still be surprised within a smaller window 

Enjoy this time: you’re with your future spouse and life is good! You will have plenty of time to plan a wedding and celebrate everything that comes with it in due time. Enjoy the down time! 

Post # 14
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

It’s only been a few days since the update talk, so it’s understandable that it’s top of mind and you can’t stop thinking about it.

Hopefully it’ll naturally subside in a week or two and you won’t be thinking of it so much.

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