How do you not go crazy waiting?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

I know traditionally proposals are surprises and completely out of the control of the femme person in the relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s the “correct” way to do things. I think that if you want a surprise proposal, dope! But maybe try to speak a bit kindly about yourself. You’re not a “control freak” for wanting to be involved and in the loop on a massive life change/decision. If you want a surprise, then yeah I agree with pp’s advice to find ways to relax more or reduce your anxiety, but I’d also advise to try to speak about yourself/feelings with kindness as you do. Not a control freak. You’re excited, aware of the scale of the decision, and empowered to be part of your life decisions and narrative. This is really one of the only times in life where you’re staring down at a massive decision and people tell you to not be involved in it at all. It makes sense that it’s a little uncomfy.

Post # 17
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

This is such an exciting time – and there are lots of ways to manage your anxious energy while you wait. For example, you could take on a mediation practice ans see how many consecutive days you follow through; you could add a new activity or hobby to your life.

choose something you enjoy! Challenge yourself to learn to make a fancy dish, difficult baked item like a croissant, knit or sew, arrange flowers, hit a personal beat lifting weights, beat x time running, read x number books, start a business you’ve been daydreaming about…

whatever you do, choose somethifn that manifests your energy in ways that brings you joy and enriches your life. You know this is coming – plan a specia gift for him. Keep your nails in great shape, and enjoy the last few months of ‘girlfriend’ status! ❤️

Post # 18
Member
10503 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Well l just don’t understand the whole waiting thing anyway. Particularly l don’t understand two people who love each other, have agreed they want to be married to each other waiting for months, even years,  for the man to formalise it via some sort of elaborate planned ‘surprise ‘ . Usually the woman is less than happy with this, despite protests to the contrary. Fair enough too, it should be, to my mind, a situation of completely equal agency and not one person ‘waiting’ for the other to make it happen……

Post # 19
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but your anxiousness and him knowing your waiting could make him push the proposal back even longer. It sounds like this is something exciting to him. Don’t steal his joy by needing updates on when. It also sounds like your timeline is on course, be happy with that. Be happy with knowing you have a partner that values you and wants the two of you to make life decisions instead of thinking he should make them all. You stated that you want to start a family in the near future. Patience is great practice for having children. Enjoy the ride!

Post # 20
Member
5313 posts
Bee Keeper

Where did people get the idea that a proposal was supposed to be a surprise? Getting married is something you discuss and agree on, and with that agreement you’re engaged. This whole “waiting so he can faux surprise me” is ridiculous and makes the proposal less an expression of love and more a charade or theatre set-piece.

The prolonged waiting crap is nothing but keeping the woman in her place, reminding her that she doesnt call the shots, he does. It disappoints me that after decades of striving for equality, that women are still ok with being dependent on men to make this decision regarding their own lives. Too many Disney princess shows perhaps.

 

Post # 21
Member
10503 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@sunburn:  

l know l know. When did this stuff become acceptable again….what happened to the equality and hard won freedoms of the not too distant past l wonder. I mean look at the post above actually warning OP not to take too much agency in her life in case her anxiousness ( sic) causes him to push his planned proposal back further. Wtf is ok about a man , seeing the woman he loves be anxious and unsure and then making it worse by withholding. I despair. 

Post # 22
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

View original reply
@elphy94: I can’t relate to your exact situation, but I have experienced other things where I had to wait for (what felt like) an eternity for something that was largely out of my control. In my case, the most recent thing was dealing with infertility and IVF. My journey was a lot shorter than it is for a lot of other people but for me it has felt like a long one. My baby is set to arrive in about two weeks. What helped me was a combination of the usual – hobbies, pouring myself into my job (which I mostly enjoy, so this wasn’t hard for me to do), and therapy. I’m not sure if therapy is relevant in your case but just sharing that because that was an important component for me since I was going through something pretty specific and I found it helpful to speak to someone who was well-versed in that and understood what I was going through. Might not apply to your situation since you are dealing with something pretty different, but for me it was helpful in getting me through (what felt like) a long period of treatment during which I suffered from major anxiety around the waiting and uncertainty of it all. My point isn’t to compare these two experiences but rather to suggest that the feelings involved might be similar on some level, as I am also someone who is quite a bit of a control freak and have trouble coping with waiting and with major life things that are outside of my control. I didn’t do the waiting thing when I got engaged, but that’s simply because my husband and I didn’t want that. In this case you are doing things the way that you both want, and you’re looking for ways to cope with that which I totally get. I’m a person who is pretty impatient so waiting for something big and life-changing to happen is really, really hard for me. Anyway, that (the three things I mentioned above) is what worked for me and also one silly thought that helped me a lot — the only thing certain is the passage of time. The time WILL pass! You can count on that. Any time I felt myself getting impatient and feeling like none of my coping mechanisms were working I reminded myself of that. Anyway, hope this helps, and I hope you end up having an amazing proposal, wedding, and marriage! Remember to come back and tell us your proposal story :). 

  • This reply was modified 3 days ago by zstbee84.
  • This reply was modified 3 days ago by zstbee84.
Post # 23
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee

Do you truly want a surprise or is it just that you feel you ‘ought’ to have one?  If it’s the latter, then have another talk with your boyfriend and change things.  If a ‘surprise’ is truly important to you, then you’re just going to have to put up with the waiting.

Take up a new hobby – learn a new language a new craft or a new sport.  Go running.  Rearrange your kitchen cupboards.  Do whatever it takes to take your mind off it!

And maybe look on this as being a good opportunity to develop patience and the ability to let go…because if you’re planning on starting a family you’re going to need a whole lot of both characteristics when baby arrives!

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