Post # 1
A really good friend of mine is absolutely fixated on his first love. Their relationship was rocky a bit last year, they broke up for a couple of months and got back together during the summer then broke up again in September (mind you the relationship is also long distance through the school year, since she is away in college). The problem is he is so fixated on her being his soulmate that he has convinced himself that she is just going through a phase and will snap out of it (she is always the one to break up with him, and when she goes back to college hooks up with a crap ton of guys). As an outsider looking in (and also someone who does not believe in “soulmates”), I try to convince him otherwise, that there are other people out there he can connect with (this was his first and only love)…but everytime she is home from school, he hooks up with her and falls deeper back into it…yesterday he told me the detailed plans of how he will propose to her….I don’t know what to do….I feel really bad about the whole thing, but the girl has been very upfront with him telling him she just wants to be friends with him and how she wishes she could feel the way she used to feel towards him but doesn’t understand why she doesn’t…(to me this is a warning sign, but he interprets this as “she is going through a phase, eventually she will come to her senses”)…
I have always been a big believer that if you have something really great, you wouldn’t give it up ever!!! BUT, is it possible this girl is really going through a phase and not stringing him along? Ugh…I feel so bad for him !!!!
ETA: Has anybody been in a similiar situation or dealt with a simliar situation? What was the outcome?
Post # 3
@Dell79: All you can do is give your love and support, and tell your friend that they deserve the best and the best is not what they have been getting. I have a few “broken record” friends and nothing I say really makes a difference. It has to come from within. But it does help if they know they have someone willing to listen and give heartfelt advice.
Post # 4
I’ve had friends like this too…it’s tricky.
I’m pretty sure regardless of what anybody says, they’re so far off in their own fantasy that it’s just impossible to shake their denial about what’s really going on. It’s awful, but he might need to just learn the hard way by finally getting rejected by her.
On the other hand it’s terrible to imagine your friend going through that, so I don’t know what to offer! I would honestly go against friendship protocol and lay it out to him straight. He could get super pissed, but he’ll ultimately get over it. Your only options are to let it play out, or to try and talk some sense into him. I think that being furious at you for a while is better than dealing with extreme heart break down the road..
Post # 5
I’m not sure you can say or do more than you have. Some people have to figure things out on their own to move on. He may not move on until he meets someone else who distracts him and/or the ex moves on.
Post # 6
Um, am I overreacting by saying “get thee to therapy” (thee=friend)?
Because the whole, “Oh she’ll just come to her senses and then we’ll get married” is stalker language. NOT saying that’s what he’s doing, but that IS the language.
However, the ex is complicit in this situation–she shouldn’t be pulling the “hook up with ex now let’s be friends” thing. Chances are that it’s nice to get the attention from your friend, which is why she’s doing it, but eventually she’ll get bored or find someone else and then drop-kick him to the curb. And yes, it’ll be harsh. But until the lines are drawn between them, it’s probably going to be rope-a-dope for a while with your friend, I’m sorry to say.
Hence, why I also think therapy would be a good idea. That and working on helping him to develop a life separate and outside of her–take him out, encourage him to continue with his various hobbies, etc.
Post # 7
The tricky thing about humans is that we’re SO GOOD at seeing solutions to the problems and weaknesses in others’ lives, yet so blind to our own! Honestly, having had friends like this (and having been in your friend’s shoes, though not so extreme), you just have to let it ride its course, however crushing it may be. I have a friend who’s really good at dealing with these things- she’ll listen forever, but occasionally say some straightforward (but polite) comments- honest observations that no one can deny.
He’ll come around in his own time, it just sucks that it might take him proposing to recognize his situation.