(Closed) How do you prepare your marriage for a baby?

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
Post # 17
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t have children but i think something I would want to work on with the hubs before having children is getting to a point where both of us can do everything (individually) to run the house.

For example right now I do all the grocery shopping, but if we were to have children I would need him to take that over sometimes. And I would not want to wait until I have a screaming child in front of me to field the phone calls about what exactly “chicken” means on the grocery list. 

Also there are things we are just used to doing together (chore wise) that would make more sense if only one person did. And now it’s not an issue but it could become one if there was a baby involved.

And I realize that’s the most boring answer ever, just something I thought about!

Post # 18
Member
1525 posts
Bumble bee

@ChuckNorris:  I agree with you 100% Cats are super easy. Some of them can be temperamental and pee everywhere, so require schedules and routine, but not nearly the amount of work as a dog. I love dogs, but they are essentially furry babies who can’t talk but are smart. If you want them to behave, it requires consistency. Same with children. 

@Jilliebean1:  My husband came with a 5-year-old, so I already know what kind of dad he is. Besides that, i think a dog is the closest thing to a baby. Maybe pet sit for people if you don’t want to commit to getting a pet? Baby sit for people? It’s different having a baby full-time, but watching my husband babysit our friend’s 5 month with me made me feel like he was really ready for another baby. I know that I’ll probably have to do most of the work (since he works full-time and I only work part-time) but he went and got cat food without me asking because he noticed that we were low on cat food, and it shocked me how much he cared and noticed our cat’s food hahaha. Saved me an errand too!

Post # 19
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Darling, you are never prepared, You can read a thousand books, immerse yourself in every baby class there is. Nothing beats the real thing, and nothing prepares you for it either. The one sure thing about having a baby, is that you are now someones mother.

Post # 20
Member
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

As far as preparing for baby goes, I run an infant room. So for 50 hours a week I take care of seven infants at once! I hope it’s good practice!

Post # 21
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Natalieh86:  That’s a really good point!  I work more hours than my husband, and we have established that is IS capable of running the house (though not always quite how I’d like it).

As far as the pet thing, we’ve always wanted a dog and wouldn’t have gotten one if we didn’t.  But it definitely helps me see DH’s parenting style (he totally babies her, but he’s much more willing to get off the couch and play/run than I am).  I don’t know that it was a necessary step, but it’s made me feel better about the kid thing. 

I say do what you’re comfortable with, and communicate so much beforehand.  I.e. “what will you do if our kid disobeys us” or other more specific situations, to make sure you’re on the same page and know what to expect of the other.

Post # 22
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Planning for supplies.

The biggest thing that you can do to reduce strains in the first few months – which is the hardest time, while you’re still getting used to the things you’ll need to do that you’ve never had to do before – is to lay in stocks and stockpiles of supplies for the first few months.

And I’m not talking about baby stuff; I’m talking about food. Toilet paper. Toothpaste. Coffee. Supplies.

Why?

Because I GUARANTEE you will go to the store, and forget that stuff. Because baby. Baby food. Diapers. Wipes. Baby shampoo. Baby lotion. Blah, blah, blah…

…”Honey, did we forget my deodorant?”

Yes. Yes you did. And now you have to take another trip to the store.

Trust me on this. It only SEEMS like a minor aggravation. It becomes a lot more major about the fifth time it happens, which will be roughly the fifth time you go to the store. And then you’ll be snapping and snarling at each other like wild dogs over something ridiculous because you’re both tired, grouchy, and frustrated.

Staple foods, personal grooming / hygiene, extras of any consumables that you regularly use.

I know, weird, and not at all where the rest of the thread’s going… but still good advice.

Post # 23
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

A pet is for life, so only do it if you are planning to get one anyway.

Sure, a dog gives you an insight into how someone may work with a child, but please make sure to think about it prior. Also, don’t forget that if you are planning to have a kid in the relative future that you will have a newborn and a dog..

We’ve got two dogs – 2 1/2 years old and 3 years old, and are expecting a baby in mid-February. Let me tell you, I’m beyond stressed about dealing with all 3. I know we can do it, and we will, as my pets are always for life. Add 6 lizards and a 90 gallon saltwater tank to that list, it’s definitely a busy household. It’s going to be a lot of work, but we will make it happen.

If a pet wasn’t something on your “want” list before, then try pet sitting. Maybe for a weekend, or week, or even longer if you know someone going away. Seriously, it will give you an idea on how your Darling Husband handles that added responsibility. Get him on board with helping around the house if he doesn’t already. It will be needed once baby comes.

This child was a surprise child. I had gone off the pill in January to see how my cycle regulated, as we were talking about TTCing the following year. I have a history of wacky cycles, so I wanted a head start on charting just in case (my sister has PCOS). Well, I had a period in February then didn’t get one again. We weren’t careful, figuring that you would never ovulate after 50+ days.. here we are, due in a month. I ovulated on CD108/109, totally unplanned, unexpected, but now we couldn’t be happier. It was a stress on our marriage when we first found out, and when I started getting sick, but we worked through it. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum around weeks 8-9 and Darling Husband basically had to take over the household since I couldn’t do a damn thing for weeks since I was so miserable. He had it hard, but seeing that he could deal with that, I know things will work out.

Post # 24
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t see how a pet is like a having A baby. We got a cat and I am useless at cleaning out its litter tray but am meticulous with changing my baby’s nappy (we do cloth too so it’s more often than disposable). You can swear and fight in front of a cat or dog and it probably won’t screw it up, I said ‘dick’ The other day and my daughter immediately scoped me. Sigh. She can’t say hello but she can say dick. Me and my OH had been together for four months when we got pregnant so we had no idea what the other would be like, neither of us wanted kids or knew eachother very well. Two years later we are a happy little family. You can plan and write lists and make agreements for years but it doesn’t mean much at the end of the day. If one night he doesn’t get up to the baby are you going to drag out a three year old contract and say LOOK, HERE! There will be times when it’s hard and times when you think it’s all a mistake but most of the time you’ll realise it’s worth all the bad bits. As long as you’re stable and can TALK then you can work through things, you have to communicate and learn to compromise on issues. Me and my OH have very strict ideas of  what our Dear Daughter should eat, when she should be weaned, should she have a walker, Steiner schools etc etc it goes on forever and you just have to be able to sit down and listen and talk and work it out. 

Just because a guy isn’t attached enough to a cat to clean up its poop doesn’t make him a bad father. 

Post # 25
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Communication and empathy.  Both of you need to be able to discuss issues with each other before they become major problems and lead to resentment.  You need to be able to empathize with each other’s struggles and admit when you’re wrong.  You have to be flexible and talk often about your feelings and expectations.  Both of you will have to make sacrifices of sex, money, sleep, time.  You have to be willing to make those sacrifices and able to recognize and appreciate what your partner is sacrificing.

Also, you need to really have each other’s backs.  When you’re a parent, lots of other people will jump in with unwanted advice and intrusions and tell you that you’re doing it wrong.  You need to be each other’s biggest cheerleader.  

Post # 26
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Commenting so I can follow this thread…we’re expecting a little boy in May, and while I know you’re never truly prepared and knowing what to expect until you’ve experienced it, of course I want to do my best! And I do think a lot about how to keep my connection with my husband strong even once children are in the picture. I think that the best pieces of advice I’ve received so far are not to criticize when the other person doesn’t do something your way – maybe they wash the bottles or change the diaper a bit differently than you do, but as long as the job gets done and baby is happy, criticizing is just going to lead to the other person helping less and you then growing resentful over the lack of help. And date nights too, luckily both of are parents live close and will be super anxious to babysit, so it should be pretty easy for us to get some alone time once a week or so.

Post # 27
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We don’t have kids yet, but as we’ve been trying to conceive we’ve had many conversations about what we’d like to do.  Sleep habits with an infant, how to handle work schedules, discipline, education and study requirements, cell phones, paying for college… we don’t always agree 100% on all hypothetical situations but I think it’s a good start!

Post # 28
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I echo araneidae‘s sentiments. An infant is difficult on a marriage (much tougher than a puppy). You both need to be prepared for what you might resent each other for (lack of sex or interesting conversation due to sleep deprivation, moms resenting dads for not being involved enough). If you love each other, set your expectations right, babies do not make marriages happily ever after. It’s a tough few years until your kids become more independent. I think if you into having children with this idea in mind, you might have more empathy for each other. Hopefully the hubby helps out  more, and wifey makes an effort to be a put-together adult with interesting conversation to continue what made the relationship work to begin with.

I hope this plan works. We’re expecting right now and the number 1 reason why I kept hesitating to jump on the baby wagon was because I deeply feared how it would change the dynamic in hubby and I’s relationship. We’ve been together almost a decade with practically zero issues, this will be a whole new challenge.

Post # 29
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Also remember that your hormones will make you incredibly irrational. I’m 13 months out of giving birth and I’m only just getting back to normal. There were times when I would be in hysterical tears in the middle of the night because I’d woken up to find msleep facing away from me in his sleep. And sex wise stuff is only just getting back to normal so don’t be rushed into sexy time before you feel like it. My OH was v understanding but I’ve had friends whose husbands were hassling them a few days after having terrible stitches down below and being real idiots about it. 

Post # 30
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

@Snowden:  remember that your hormones will make you incredibly irrational

LORD YES! This is one reason I hesitate for us to have another. Hated waiting to get back to myself and he wondered if I was crazy half the time.LOL He was SO glad to have the old, sane me back!

Post # 31
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Jilliebean1:  We have three ‘baby’ boys… We’re getting married soon 🙂

Here are some tips for after baby is born..

-Communication!

-Take turns caring for baby, especially late night feedings/diaper changes

-Don’t forget about the marriage! Date night once a week 🙂

You’ll be great 🙂

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