Post # 1
This is probably the thing I fear most about pregnancy. I already know some know-it-alls who relish in the opportunity to give unsolicited advice or critical comments. I know you know them too – the folks who say, “You’re going to have SUCH a hard time (being in labor, having a natural birth, etc.). You don’t know WHAT you’re in for,” or comments like, “You’ll see what (feeding a baby, changing dirty diapers, anything else perceived as negative about having a baby, which of course the speaker assumes you are totally ignorant about simply by virtue of not having children) IS REALLY about when you see the real world.”
After a while, I just lose my patience. How do the rest of you deal with this sort of thing?
Post # 3
I just say, “Thanks, but we have decided that (this) is the best way for us” or “Thanks, but I have decided to do xyz.” People usually just have good intentions, so I try not to snap at them.
Post # 4
I ignore them or change the subject, then vent later either here or to my husband if he wasn’t there, haha. People don’t realise how rude or condescending they sound half the time, or they think they are actually being helpful – and of course some people just want to feel superior. You could always say something like “Well I am up to the challenge”, but don’t put too much effort into these annoying people 😛
Post # 5
@dreamocracy: Yep, ignoring also works.
Post # 6
I would just say, “Oh okay” or “Oh, you’re right.” I wouldn’t respond with “Okay, thanks but we are doing x” because that opens up discussion as to who is right/wrong which will never work with a sanctimommy.
Then change the subject. Or excuse yourself and walk away.
I’m not looking forward to these tips either. I just announced to a few people and I’m getting tips from everyone, not just sanctimommies. FML.
Post # 7
Every time someone says something positive about cloth diapering, I nearly roll my eyes! I work in infant care, so I work with them regularly, and I HATE them! No way will I put myself through that!
Here’s what I do… I pretend I’m back at my first job when I was 15, being a cashier at McDonald’s. Every time I want to roll my eyes, I just smile bigger and go “Yes, of course!”
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2014 - Narrawallee reserve/beach & Mollymook golf club
I have only told my SO and my immediate family, but when I do come accross this I’ll just smile and nod, and if I can’t take it anymore I’ll excuse myself.
Post # 9
@BrandNewBride: Isn’t that attitude about people who like cloth diapering kind of the same thing in reverse? I’m not trying to be argumentative, just really asking? Different strokes I guess… I know lots of people who do like it and choose to keep doing it. What difference does it really make to you if they like it?
Post # 10
@Mrs.LemonDrop: The main difference is that I don’t give unsolicited advice. I’ve never heard someone say “I want to cloth diaper” and gone “Oh you poor, silly thing. You are going to regret that so badly.”
I work in infant care, and not long ago a family who was cloth diapering was considering switching to disposables.
Instead of saying “Yes, please, for the love of GOD, switch!”
I said “It’s really up to you and your wife and what works best for you. We can do whatever you decide on”
So I have opinions, but I don’t voice them unless someone says “What do you think about X”, and even then I won’t say what I really think if I’m at work!
Post # 11
My boss is one of those people, she is super negative about everything, all the time. Lately I have just been telling myself “haters gonna hate!” meaning, some people are just negative, there is nothing you can do about it.
Post # 12
I just smile, nod, and internally roll my eyes.
Then, I call my mom and we laugh at what an absolute cow the person was. (Maybe that sounds harsh, but I’ve heard some doozies….it seems like no matter what you choose, you can’t please everyone. Oh well!)
Post # 13
I deal with this all the time. I’ve finally realized there’s no point in arguing, because sanctimommies (or in my case, know-it-all friends without children) just don’t want to hear it. They are sure they are right. I just say, “Oh,” or, “Huh, that’s interesting,” and then try to change the subject. And then I vent to my husband/mom/sister.
Post # 14
I’m already dreading this, especially with one friend in particular. I just told her, even though she “knew” all along, and she’s already telling me how I will and won’t feel during my pregnancy. Because every person and every pregnancy is exactly the same, ya know? 😉 She does the same thing to other people too. I plan to drop hints at first then hit her with, “Look, if I’m not doing something that will harm my baby, please keep your opinion to yourself,” if she still doesn’t get it.
Post # 15
@CookieCreamCakes: I’d let them speak, wait a beat and then change the subject to something else.
Although I have to say I’d have a hard time letting a comment implying I wasn’t living in the “real world” go by unchallenged. That’s just totally obnoxious.
Parenting is a unique and new experience to be sure but it is no more “real world” than anything anyone else is doing. Nor does one aquire maturity or wisdom because they have passed a baby through the birth canal.
Post # 16
Is it sad I’ve really heard all of these comments? It’s always flooring when they happen. Sometimes, it’s like a cartoon just came to life before my eyes.
I’m dreading this crap with my sister-in-law. Thank God she lives about 800 miles away. When she comes to visit, it’s like she goes through our entire house to find something to criticize. Advice on what’s in our fridge and what we should buy (I think I once mentioned her famous advice about not using garlic salt because it’s high in sodium, at which point I found myself just staring at her and waiting for her to laugh. When she didn’t, I changed the subject), advice on how she does her laundry…blahblahblahblahblah.
“I’m up to the challenge” is actually a really good line. I think it’s a fair point that some people are trying to bait you for a debate as soon as they give ‘advice’ or make a critical comment, so by disagreeing with them, I’m probably just fueling the fire.
I’m also wondering – what about when they ask you something specific, like, “Do you plan to breastfeed?” From some people, I don’t mind being honest about answering this question. With others, I feel it’s not their business…and frankly I just don’t want to have a debate or to hear about how their experience with doing that went. Again, I see my sister-in-law talking about her breastfeeding struggles and how I should do it…
I’ve thought about answering with, “I’m still deciding,” before changing the subject, but that again may give someone an opening to start railing about it. I realize I can’t deflect or prevent every sanctimommy moment, but I’d like to do my best to nip them in the bud early.
Comments are easier to deal with when it comes to this sort of stuff. I guess because direct questions are meant to elicit direct answers, and changing the subject/not answering/claiming to be ‘undecided’ prompts more discussion.