(Closed) How do you respond to people asking you about marriage?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First, I feel for you, I hate this question.

Do not feed the trolls! Meaning, unless they are asking in a genuine way, do not give any details, talk about a timeline, give them anything to feed their pity/snarkiness.

Don’t say anything that, when repeated, will make you seem sad or desperate or snarky.

DO respond cheerfully! When people ask me when is my wedding, I say “sometime in the future!” or “when its appropriate for us!” or “we’ll let you know,” with a big smile and exaggerated cheerfulness. Being chipper about it puts people off asking more questions or goading you.

Most importantly, you’re in this for the long run, and only you and your FH get to make this decision. It is wrong for anyone to imply otherwise, regardless of how long you’ve been together. 

Post # 4
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@andibean:  I always say (in regards to the ring)- “Not sure, you should ask HIM!” and in regards to when to get married- “In a couple of years,” which is true. Long enough for them to stop asking when it’s going to be, too.

Post # 5
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I know exactly how you feel. People are always asking me when we are getting married and I usually just say “We will when we’re both done with school.” And when they ask how long we have been together, I always cringe a little bit when I have to say “Almost 7 years.” I love when people ask it when my SO is around though, because I just look at him and that usually causes the asker to back off so as not to get HIM in trouble. People have no tact. When you find a really good answer, let me know. The school example won’t last forever and people often tell me that’s not a good enough excuse anyway. Rude!

Post # 6
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

It bugs me too, but I know it’s coming from a good place. I always just say that I want to wait to get married until I’m graduated and have a good job. If they ask about getting engaged though I usually let my SO field that one. Wink

Post # 7
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

I say things like “we’re both excited for what the future holds,” which is true. 

Post # 8
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Oh, I can completely relate. 

I usually respond with “I’m not the person to ask, you should talk to him”.

I took smug satisfaction recently when he returned to footy (Australian Rules Footy for those playing at home) after 3yrs and all the guys were asking him if he was still with me and when he said yes they pressed the “what..? And your not married or engaged yet route?”

Now for some humor

We had a small family/friends bbq at our place on the weekend (yup we’ve even bought a house together) and his Mum said “It’s a good thing (him) is married to (her)”. When everyone did the whole suprised, do you want to try that again reaction, she said the exact same thing again. The only one not to react was him.

Post # 9
Member
4356 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Sorry you’re surrounded by rude people.  SO and I have been together 2 years and I already get the “so when are you getting married”

I normally respond with variations on “we’ll have to wait and see” or “not yet” or “we’ve got so much going on at the moment”.  I make out like it’s a decision we’re both happy with (even though I would of course *love* to be engaged/married)

It’s common knowledge that it’s going to happen.  And my brother (who’s 19) keeps asking how my “fiance” is.  It drives me nuts inside but I know it’s just his way of “approving”, my mum has ticked him off from time to time but I know his teasing is with good intention.

Post # 10
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I usually just shrug my shoulders. but when his family and friends ask us I get some kind of satisfaction. why? because it embarrasses him lol. and I usually let him come up with an answer.

 

Post # 11
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Oh, I hate that question! Thankfully, the people that have asked me haven’t been rude and are asking because they are excited and happy for us. I usually smile and say, you should ask him (my SO). He says he has a plan and all in good time. 

But in my experience, people haven’t asked us when we’re getting married, they congratulate us, which is super embarrassing since we aren’t engaged yet. My parents have gotten in a bad habit of telling their friends and our extended family that we are getting married next year. Most of them don’t exactly realize that we aren’t engaged yet. So I when they says congrats, when’s the wedding, I say oh, we’ll pick a date when we get engaged. Thankfully, my SO hasn’t heard the majority of these conversations so I just have to deal with my own embarrassment instead of feeling terrible about him hearing as well. 

I only have two more big family parties this summer, so I really don’t have to deal with the question or congrats for too much longer. I’m crossing my fingers for 8/8 as an engagement date!

Post # 12
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

It depends on who’s doing the asking, but my typical response is usually a mixed bag of humorous deflection: “Oh, you’ll have to ask him”, said while tapping my foot and checking my proverbial watch. Followed by outright blatant lying: “Oh, you know, we’re not in any hurry, probably in the next couple of years. It’s not like either of us is going anywhere.”  When in reality, it’s him, not us, who’s not in a hurry.

Post # 13
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I HATE when people ask me this! and a lot of times it is snarky… but the worst offenders are my SO’S family!!! i want to ask them “are you f’ing kidding me!?” but obviously i can’t do that… But yeah… i never understand it when they ask me that… (not his mom and dad of course) but other older relatives in his family… I also want to say “well ask Michael” but i also feel weird responding that way… so i just stay quiet… 

I personally think its rude and that they should no better.. but oh well.. i’ve come to find that most people in this world don;t have propper manners.

I’ve actually been thinking a lot lately about bailing on his family for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year if we aren’t engaged by then, because that always seems to be when they harass me about it… but i know that wouldn’t go over well…. that might be a little dramatic  of me, but last Christmas i had to go outside and cry because it hurt my feelings so bad Frown

Post # 14
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@kerensa:  DO respond cheerfully! When people ask me when is my wedding, I say “sometime in the future!” or “when its appropriate for us!” or “we’ll let you know,” with a big smile and exaggerated cheerfulness. Being chipper about it puts people off asking more questions or goading you.

I LOVE that advice! I’m def going to use that next time it happens to me!  

Post # 15
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I just usually tell the asker to ask my SO.

Post # 16
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I hate this question.  In my experience, usually the people asking this question mean well.  I generally answer the question with the most polite answer I can muster up…a few years ago it was probably “Oh, I don’t know, eventually” but after seven years the most polite thing I can say is “You’d have to ask him”.

Maybe we should petition Miss Manners or Dear Abbey to let people know it is RUDE to ask us ladies when we’re getting married before we’ve gotten engaged.  Perhaps I’ll change my standard response to this inevitable question to “Once I’m engaged I’ll be happy to talk about my wedding all you want.”

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