How do you respond when people ask when you're getting engaged?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

We were together 6 years before getting engaged so I heard this a lot. I would just shrug and say ” I dunno …ask him”

Post # 32
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

How about just the truth? “In a couple years?” “next year”?

Post # 33
Member
2994 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

girlfriendphd :  ok. In another recent post you mentioned you wanted to get engaged at the beginning of 2014. Hope you get what you want soon. Rough to be kept waiting so long.  I would be sensitive too!

Post # 34
Member
8582 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

girlfriendphd :  

Exactly . I am amazed at the number of pps who not only wait passively for him to make the decision to detemine their  joint  lives,  but don’t seem to mind other people knowing it too. !!  

Post # 35
Member
2994 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

elderbee :  don’t you think most of the time others already know/suspect though? The majority of people want to be married, especially women, if the statistics are to be believed…. Usually if a relationship is going on for years and years without a ring, the typical assumption (right or wrong) is that the guy is dragging his feet…People know and often just feel sorry for the waiting woman….

Post # 36
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

mrstodd2bee :  You’re right, I first mentioned engagement to my boyfriend in 2014, but it was out of a feeling of sentimentality brought on by my married lab mates, who were among those asking about my relationship at the time. Marriage was never that exciting or important to me (even now I really just want the same legal and social benefits that married couples have), and so engagement wasn’t important either. But they suggested engagement as a nice gesture of committment while we were living apart, and I thought it could be a nice idea. But even so, I wasn’t thinking about about actually getting married then. Hence why I didn’t mention it again for years.

We had a more serious discussion about it in August 2016, when a timeline for getting married finally seemed feasible. At this point I did start anticipating a proposal, though if I had taken my boyfriend’s concern about still being long distance more seriously, then I wouldn’t have started waiting until this past May (instead I feel I was “waiting” from Aug – Dec 2016 and now from May to the present). 

elderbee :  Believe me, I have no love for the passivity of traditional proposals and the arbitrary nature of “becoming engaged.” But my boyfriend wants to propose, and I know that taking the proposal out of his hands would be more hurtful to him than an earlier engagement would be worth. It’s just a bummer that we haven’t been on the same page in terms of timing because I don’t fully agree with his reasons for planning the way he has.

This timing is the only thing we’ve ever disagreed on, which is probably why it has bothered me more than I would have expected given that marriage isn’t even a dealbreaker for me.

But that’s why I’m here: I’m disappointed that the engagement couldn’t just fall into place as I would prefer, but it’s not a big enough deal for me to bring it up or hint at it among friends and family, some of whom could go on to judge my whole relationship harshly because they saw I was frustrated one time (assuming they aren’t already judging me for not getting married back when they were asking about it). I am unfortunately unable to completely give up complaining though, so I save my venting and commiseration for this forum when needed, where I don’t mind if strangers judge me. 

Post # 37
Member
2994 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

girlfriendphd :   so after a decade (!) together he hesitate/delays yet tells you he wants to propose. Whatever your reasons for wanting marriage, you’ve wanted it for quite awhile and he chooses to not take action/ move forward.  I don’t blame you for complaining/feeling bad. Hope he makes a decision and proposes soon.

Post # 38
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

mrstodd2bee : I’ve accepted that I had some selfish reasons for wanting to get engaged last year knowing my boyfriend didn’t want to propose while we were long distance. Now the issue is my boyfriend’s tendency to put things off until conditions are “perfect” and his attititude of “I can’t enjoy things with work hanging over head.” So for now I am thinking of ways to help him with his work-life balance, which I think he needs to improve in general. And I’m keeping my complaining to this forum because I know I am hard on people (including myself) and that I just need to vent when I start feeling really critical of someone. 

I think it’s unfortunate if the other people in my life, including my mom, are judging him now for not proposing years ago, but perhaps that’s part of the gendered nature of marriage. Apparently during the time I was fielding inquires about our relationship, my boyfriend was not feeling any pressure at all. He says his friends and family never suggested that he propose while we were long distance. If that’s true, then maybe it is because people are more concerned about a woman getting engaged than a man. So the long distance was for my boyfriend a good reason to delay engagement, yet people were still expecting it to happen for me. And I think I did let that pressure affect me, especially because it was presented to me in a sentimental “Wouldn’t it be nice? It was nice for us” sort of way.

 

 

 

Post # 39
Member
5767 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

girlfriendphd :  I don’t think you need to worry about your situation yet by any means, or view it as your bf putting it off until everything is ‘perfect’. Plenty of people would want to close the long distance before getting engaged, I know I would! You’ve only been in the same place since May, I would focus on enjoying being together rather than LDR and in a few months you should seriously revisit the timeline topic. 

Post # 42
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

zzar45 :  Yes, I’m trying to be fair in my expectations by remembering that he was bothered by the distance more than I was, and that he wasn’t pressured as I was by people who didn’t see the distance as an issue.

That said, I do think he needs to work on managing his job stress, not just because it’s delaying his proposal but because I don’t want him to get into a habit of putting off all other responsibilities because he’s busy at work. I also think he makes his mood worse with “I don’t want to do anything because I’m too stressed to enjoy it.”

I don’t know if and when he’ll start getting questioned by people about why he hasn’t proposed yet, but I hope if it starts happening it doesn’t stress him out more. 

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