(Closed) How do you say “I love you, but…”

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How best should we handle the reduction in guests?
    Say nothing - Only address when asked : (24 votes)
    45 %
    Ask friends to spread the gentle word : (16 votes)
    30 %
    Send a gentle BLIND email explaining the situation to those who were cut : (3 votes)
    6 %
    Send a gentle BLIND email explaining the situation to everyone, then mail STD's to guests : (4 votes)
    8 %
    Post a small blurb on the website about the change to a smaller event : (6 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    577 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    if you haven’t sent them anything, then just don’t bring it up. 

    Post # 4
    828 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    I’m so glad you didn’t send the Save-The-Date Cards yet! I would just cut the list to what you need to, but not say anything to the people who are now essentially “B-listed”. If they ask about it, just tell them you decided to have a really intimate wedding. There’s no need to mention the money issue at all. 

    Honestly if someone I wasn’t all that close to had asked for my address, but then never did anything with it, I would just assume they decided to keep the wedding small, it wouldn’t really bother me. If you had already sent the Save-The-Date Cards, that would be one thing, but you haven’t. 

    Don’t worry about it! If anyone gets butthurt about it, maybe they should have been making more of an effort to be a close friend before all this :crosses arms:

    Post # 5
    3125 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    Aw honey don’t say anything. It’s good that you haven’t sent save the dates yet. You never know – things may change between now and October.. or they may not. Have the wedding you can afford, and if something changes down the line (say, you find another job, or win the lotto or someone gifts you money .. something!) then you can address it.  You may find that you will have a little fun trying to figure out DIY and making things work for less money – sometimes challenges can have a silver lining! And the people at your wedding will be your closest 🙂

    Post # 6
    18644 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I wouldn’t tell people about it.  I’m assuming that these people might be in contact with you enough to know that you lost your job?  If so, I think they will understand that you lose your job and might need to cut the guest list because of that.

    Post # 7
    2208 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    You don’t need to say anything. You can let a few strategic people know that you lost your job and would appreciate anyone sending openings your way. For anyone with half a brain cell, that should suffice (and it is helpful too!).

    Instead, send an announcement out after the wedding. Then people are included, and anyone who was asked for their address can just think, oh, this is why.

    Post # 8
    828 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    I love monitajb’s suggestion of a wedding announcement afterward. That’s a perfect way to “use up” the addresses you asked for without anyone getting suspicious.

    Post # 9
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    So sorry about your job situation. I think that not sending them a STD is completly fine! I love the idea of a wedding announcement though

    Post # 10
    1455 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    This happened to me sort of.

    Basically you better be cutting a good number of people and you should have some way to justify (aka family and wedding party only – then give some friends “wedding party” duties if you want them to come like guestbook person or usher or greeter etc) or be prepared for people to have hurt feelings and resentment. If I was cut then found out that MOST guests were still invited, I would be really pissed. I’d prefer then that you postpone.

    Post # 12
    3041 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Just don’t say anything about it. People shouldn’t get mad at you… I wouldn’t! If a couple lost their job, I’d assume they’d change to only invite close friends & family. Everyone’s different thou, some people will be offended, but most won’t. & if they aren’t too close anyways, than nothing will really change. Maybe you could do a potluck reception like a month or something after your wedding? That way they could be included in celebrating & its practically free for everyone.

    I really like the wedding announcement idea, maybe you can open up the sealed envelopes & put in the announcements instead, so you don’t waste a lot of stamped envelopes? & if you decide to do the potluck thing, you can send little “please join us in celebration of our marriage at our potluck reception DATE TIME LOCATION” For now I’d set the invites you aren’t sending out aside just in case something happens & you can invite them.

    Post # 13
    1455 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    Cutting 60%? TOTALLY understandable as a guest. I was just saying if you ended up only cutting like two tables of people from your reception not everyone is understanding. People who aren’t paying for it themselves might not see it like people like us who pay their own way do.  But if it’s a significant cut, plus your reason, then I think it’s fine.

    We had to cut about 65% and are having a BBQ for all guests originally invited at my aunt’s house so everyone can celebrate. It’s casual but at least then we get to thank them and celebrate them like we originally wanted to.

    I didn’t want to come off as snarky – what I meant was just that you have to be careful. I guess I didn’t see the 60% in the first one- that was the only worry I had that you’d just cut 10% and then people might not be as understanding.

    We sent a printed thing to all guests notifying them that plans changed but that we’d have a BBQ in the summer, and then just sent invites to the new guest list.

    Post # 15
    11325 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I would just not say anything specifically but when anyone on that list (or anyone who talks to anyone on the list) asks how wedding planning is going say something about having to seriously downsize due to the layoff. 

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