(Closed) How do you step down from a wedding and not lose a friend?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I think it would depend on the reason and how it was said.

Post # 4
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

one of my bms just did it through text! That was fantastic!

Post # 5
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that it depends on the reason behind it.  This is such a touchy subject for brides (yup, I have a drop-out too!) and I’m not sure how to answer without knowing the ‘why’

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think we’re going to need a little more info to help out with this one….

Post # 6
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Honey…it depends on why you are dropping out. If you have something else that you want to do that’s not a matter of life and death; that probably won’t go over that well. However, if your reasons are legit and you have exhausted all other options, then just be honest and let the bride know. If you are local…take her to lunch and explain to her face to face b/s sometimes the emtion gets lost in translation via other methods…text, e-mail, facebook. If it’s not possible to take her to lunch…then a phone call would be my next suggestion.

Post # 8
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

Okay well?  Time for some honesty.  You should have thought through a financial plan and travel plan immediately when you agreed to be in a wedding that was far away.

Since you didn’t and now you are thinking of backing out, I would explain to the friend how you are feeling before you say you are thinking of dropping out.  Let her offer you a solution and be willing and flexible in order to accomodate what she offers you. 

I will say that my Bridesmaid or Best Man who dropped did so because of the distance she would have to travel (5 hour drive) and that she would be missing the rehearsal dinner (I was willing to let that go and have her anyway – the day OF was way more important to me).  I was MORE than willing to work with her, but because she really didn’t offer to try and find a way to stay in the wedding at all, I was beyond hurt.  the least you can do is try – the lack of trying was the part that made me the most hurt and angry in my case.

And personally if you told me as a bride about the cousin’s civil ceremony, that would upset me further and I would absolutely consider that a cop-out excuse.

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Eek!  So you have two ceremonies on one day?  How is that going to work?  I actually think a cousin’s ceremony is a good reason but it’s a reason to be or not be at the wedding not to be or not be a bridesmaid.  Are you planning to skip your cousine’s ceremony?

Post # 10
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

See, I feel like if you make the committment to be in a wedding, it needs to be your priority on that day. 

And I might sound awful saying this – but your cousin is family and for that reason, may be the more forgiving of the situation.  Have you considered that she might be more responsive to you saying you can’t make it due to this particular commitment than your friend who was already counting on you?

Post # 11
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i agree with christalynn–if you already made a commitment to being a bridesmaid before your cousin picked a date, you already have plans and that trumps…imo…

Post # 12
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would imagine your cousin would be very understanding that you’ve already committed to BEING in another wedding.

As far as getting there and missing the rehearsal/dinner–not a big deal IMO. If i was the bride and knew Bridesmaid or Best Man was driving 6 HOURS, i’d just be like “i’ll fill you in in the morning!” about it. Our best man couldn’t make the rehearsal. No biggee.

But it kinda sounds like you don’t want to go now because it’s a hassle??…yeah, it will be, but i think backing out for the reasons you have given aren’t going to be enough for your friend to not be really upset with you for bailing on her.

Post # 13
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Ok, I still need a little more information before I make a call about the conflict with the cousins wedding.  If you knew about being a bridesmaid before you knew about the cousin’s wedding, then you just can’t go to the cousin’s wedding.  You have a prior commitment to be a BRIDESMAID.  That trumps the cousin’s ceremony.  It’s not your fault that you found out about the other wedding first and were asked to be in it, and your cousin will understand.  If, on the other hand, you knew about the cousin’s ceremony first, you need to go there and you shouldn’t have agreed to be a bridesmaid.  But I have a feeling that you wouldn’t have agreed if you’d known about your cousin’s ceremony. 

As far as being concerned about making it to the rehearsal dinner, that’s not a good reason to back out.  One of my bridesmaids is in medical school and she had an exam the day before my wedding and wasn’t going to be able to make it before the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner and she also missed my showers and will miss my bachelorette.  Doesn’t matter to me.  When she found out about these conflicts, she didn’t call me and tell me she was dropping out, she just told me about the scheduling problems and gave me an opportunity to tell her “no big deal!”  I just need her there on the day of.  And as it turns out, she was able to move her exam to the day before, so she’ll make it for the rehearsal.  But really, if I were the bride in your situation, I would be really hurt and think that you just didn’t want to be in my wedding and were looking for excuses.

Is there something else going on here?  Do you WANT to be in the wedding?  Because if so, I think you totally can make it work.

Post # 14
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, I don’t think there is a way to back out of being in someone’s wedding with out permanently damaging the relationship.

Explain that when you agreed to be her Bridesmaid or Best Man, you knew you’d have to fly (due to your work schedule).  Then explain you are no longer able to afford to fly and thus, will miss the rehersal and possibly the wedding.  Then explain you feel like you are being a bad bridesmaid for not participating more. 

Also look at the situation from her perspective.  How she is going to react is based on how you’ve handled the situation to date.  How long ago did she ask you to be a BM?  When did she set the date?  Does she realize your financial situation has changed?

Post # 15
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

@mrsmdphd – Everything you said is exactly my opinion of the situation.  I would have loved to have been afforded the chance to tell my drop out that she would have trouble participating and have her give ME the chance to make that decision with her instead of it being made unilaterally.

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