(Closed) How do you tell a friend that she’s not the MOH?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would just be honest with her and tell her that you’re choosing Ashley as your Maid/Matron of Honor. If she asks why, you can explain that you have been very close with her the past few years. You can offer to honor Sarah in some other way (like being in charge of guest book or doing a reading). 

Post # 4
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I went through something like this, my best friend and I used to talk about being each other’s MOHs when we were younger, but have sort of drifted apart over the last few years. I decided to make my cousin, who I consider my sister, my Maid/Matron of Honor. When I said this to my best friend(who is still a BM), she took it really hard and said she did not want to help with the wedding at all, just show up and that’s it ( this really hurt me since she helped in a friend’s wedding even though she wasn’t in the bridal party). It was about a week of awkwardness and now we are all good now. It will probably hurt Sarah’s feelings at first, but if she is a true friend she will understand.

Post # 5
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I would change the way you frame the discussion. I would call her up all excited to ask her to be a Bridesmaid. That’s an honor too, and if she says something about thinking she owuld be Maid/Matron of Honor, then you can say that you decided to go with someone who is closer to you now, but that your history together is so important to you, which is why you want her in your wedding party.

Unless, of course, you have no other attendants.

Post # 7
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I was Bridesmaid or Best Man for a friend and when I got married later that year, I didn’t have her in my bridal party. We lived in different states but after I’d made my decision re attendants, she happened to visit me and we went out for coffee and I said something like “I would have loved to have you as a bridesmaid, but unfortunately I can’t, and I’d be really honoured if you would do a reading for the ceremony.” It was awkward, I felt awkward, and for all I know her feelings were hurt. But I felt honesty (sooner rather than later) was the best policy. She was very understanding and gracious about it, and did a lovely reading. I think if you decide not to have any other attendants (and if I were you I’d try to decide that quickly), I would call your friend and say you are only having one attendant, but you would love it if she did a reading/whatever for your ceremony. Hopefully she will feel similar to you with regards to your friendship over recent years, and understand.

Post # 8
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t bring it up.  If you don’t ask her, she will figure it out.  If she asks about the Wedding Party, just say you’re keeping it super small, only Ashley.

Post # 9
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

@futuremrsfitz18:  <–  Why do you even have to tell you didnt pick her? She’ll figure it out. I say dont make it a big deal about it. See how things play out.

Post # 10
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Beautiful Bluegrass:  I think you misunderstood me, I agree with you.  OP should NOT bring it up to Sarah.  But if Sarah asks, clearly OP must address it.  OP, if you don’t make a big deal out of it, Sarah will not think it is a big deal.  But if you bring attention to it, she will think, “Oh yeah, why am I not the MOH?”

Post # 11
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yes, either don’t bring it up, or think of something else you’d like her to do (a reading?) and ask her (excitedly, as @brenda.m.fields said) to do that. The info about your wedding party will probably follow naturally.

Post # 13
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

I pointed to your name to kinda say “Me too!” or “I agree with this”. I’ll make sure I don’t do that again!

Post # 14
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

If you’re in different cities, that gives you a reason, if you feel you need one (she’s not going to be able to “help” as much long distance, etc.). If you only have a Maid/Matron of Honor, maybe ask her to do a reading- you want her to be part of your wedding day, but you’re only having one attendant. 

 

Post # 15
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If I were you I won’t bring this up to her.  If I were her, I will be like…so you thought about me and still pick someone over me?  I would feel the hurt even more.

Chances are she will get the hint.  But if she brought it up, you can honestly lay out the reasons like you feel the Maid/Matron of Honor needs to be involved heavily on the wedding planning and it will be hard to plan since you two are in different cities and you feel like her presence would be important enough to support your big day. 

I had a similar situation where my only sister was expected to be the Maid/Matron of Honor (even my family) but for a lot of reasons (including the most important fact she and I only see each other a few times a year, not that close!) I don’t think she was a good fit.  So I never brought it up with her about the Maid/Matron of Honor thing.  I just happily offer her a Bridesmaid or Best Man role and pretend I didn’t know she wanted to be Maid/Matron of Honor.  It was awkward behind my back for a week but I can’t help it.  Mom was upset but she knew why but still hoped I would’ve used my sister instead.  Now they both got over it and everything works out well. 

Good luck.

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