(Closed) How do you tell guests you want money?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I say regardless of whether it’s gifts you want, or cash, or donations to charity, or nothing at all….there really is no polite way to tell your guests what you want – unless they ask you.  But don’t worry: people will ask, and then you can say something sweet like "gee, we don’t have much room at our place for new things, but we’re saving to buy a bigger place."  They’ll get the hint 😉

Post # 33
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2009

We’re both in our 30’s with 2 complete households that we’re joining. I always have heard that asking for cash is gauche so we created some small registries with things we needed for the wedding (toasting flutes, cake knife and server) and replacement items (towels, sheets, glasses).  But our main registry is our honeymonn registry where we itemized each thing we’re doing on the honeymoon, inluding the airfare. We included pictures next to each item. That way, our guests don’t feel so much like they’re giving cash when they select "Dinner in Dublin – $100", it’s exactly like purchasing from a Bed, Bath and Beyond Registry! I plan to upload pictures of our honeymoon to our wedding website so those guests can share in the memories of what their gifts purchased.

Post # 34
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

my friends said to me just dont register, it means you prefer cash

Post # 35
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

 I agree that informing your Fiance side of the family about the traditional red envelopes would be a good idea.  However it is Chinese custom to give monetary gifts right? Because in Vietnamese culture it is.  Maybe yall should just explain this custom to his family and through that they will understand. Wish you the best of luck!

Post # 36
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

a lot of ladies point out the fact they think its tacky or taste-less etc to ask for a gift, but in reality, people will more likely bring a gift and more likely they will be asking for what the bride/groom wants, so if its money then why can’t ppl be honest?

Post # 37
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I see your point Ms. Duck, but since she asked about etiquette, I think people are responding to that. Of course if you want to do your own thing and set your own trends you can do whatever you want, and I think that’s actually pretty cool. If you’re asking what official ‘etiquette’ is, though, then mentioning money or registries is a no-go.   

Post # 38
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

My opinion comes with what I’m doing, it’s the best way to explain it, hah: I’m not registering anywhere, and my explanation is that we don’t anything. I’m not doing it to invite the giving of money (though I’m sure it will happen inevitably), I’m just doing it because we seriously do not need anything else in this house. I don’t care for registries anyway- it’s great for couples just starting out, but for eclectic personalities and established couples, it’s pretty much pointless. Come, enjoy our celebration, and if you really feel like you need to give us something, then that’s your perogative and we will of course be thankful and appreciative, but we certainly aren’t looking for it!

 

Post # 39
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I disagree that "No boxed gifts" is inoffensive. I received an invitation with that on it and I was completely confused about what that meant. I thought it meant they didn’t want boxes so I was trying to figure out how to fit my gift into a gift bag. Then when a friend told me what it meant, I was mad. I spent a lot of time choosing something special for the couple, and it was a harsh slap in the face to find out they didn’t want my carefully chosen gift. I was so offended and hurt. In the end we did give them cash but even 5 years later I am still offended about this. Don’t do it!

Post # 40
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have been trying to figure out the same thing. 

My mom is Ms. Etiquette and said NO WAY NO HOW do you come out and ask for the moolah.  She said she understands that we don’t need anything and our apartment is tiny.  She said just don’t register for anything and if people ask just say "We really don’t need anything and we don’t have space for anything anyway!" she said then maybe people would get the hint and think of giving us money so we can invest in our own home (which is what we hope to do). 

As for my fiance’s family, they are Asian so it seems like the envelope thing is part of the tradition.  I’ve been told our reception with his extended family will be like Goodfellas.   

Post # 41
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

so what is rude is to ask for gifts when no one is even inquiring that are money, which basically is asking for any gift is rude not just money

 

but not rude if ppl were to inquire about gifts and you merely answer their question, you can politely let them know that you don’t plan to register therefore hinting that you would prefer a cash gift or have your family let their guest know you prefer cash when asked

 

 

Post # 42
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

My friend wrote "paper gift" on her invitation and NOBODY was offended. We got it. She is 40 yrs old, she doen’t need towels or china. I think this should be something that people are not so up tight about.

Post # 43
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

yah i agree, if you want to bring a gift, then might as well bring a gift they would want

Post # 44
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010 - Stage 6 Steiner Studios

Hi HH. I believe I’ll be in the same situation one day as I am asian and my bf caucasian. I think it’s a great idea to mention the tradition of red envelopes but also be open to his side’s tradition of buying off a registry. You might want to set up a small one in case any guests are adamant about buying a gift. Just make sure they are things you might want or can return. Maybe there are some household items you want to upgrade now that you’re going to be married 🙂 best of luck! 

Post # 45
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

in our case, we are getting a co-ed shower thrown and the hostess asked us for our registry information.  i told her we were linked to honeyfund, but that we would also like cookbooks if anyone had wanted to get us gifts as we both love to cook and EAT!

to all those that asked – honeyfund is free (but you can pay like $20 something to get it upgraded for a fancier site).  It’s basically like a google spreadsheet that allows you to choose activities you would like to do on your honeymoon, and you can even make up your own.  That when the guest choose it and check out, it gives them 3 options to either send a check (the address will pop up), give it at the wedding, or pay by paypal.

Also, I don’t get the whole register and let’s return the gifts for cash.  How is that not offensive?  Unless it was an honest mistake and you got 3 blenders… but it seems some people register for things on purpose just to return them to get cash?  I especially hear this about people registered on BedBathandBeyond because they have the easiest return policy.

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