(Closed) How do you tell people you don't want/need their help?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3943 posts
Honey bee

I would say you are lucky to have so many people interested in helping you. We had many family members not ask a single thing about the wedding, nevermind volunteering to help.

Asking your budget is rude, but asking who is in your bridal party and what the date is doesn’t seem that over the top to me. They sound generally interested so give them a break.

Post # 4
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am starting to run into this with my family as well- probably not as bad, though.

I found it helpful to be vague and evasive about details when I was asked questions. Also, I am giving the parents specific tasks, and told them that I will be handling everything else. I think that you need to give people very specific things to do, and that way they are busy with the things you want them to do/things they can handle.

Post # 5
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

It probably overwhelmed you, because (if I understand your post correctly), you’re not often in your hometown, so this was we’re-going-to-talk-about-the-wedding overload? Other than the budget, why not share those details with them?

Maybe if you start the conversation with “Our wedding will probably seem a little less traditional than you’re used to. We’re not having certain elements, like flowers/cake/whatever, but we are having XYZ.” When you tell them how it’s going to be, versus them asking, there’s less questioning of your decisions.

Ex: “we’re keeping the ceremony as short as we can, so we’re not having music.”

Is there anything you DO need help with? Like figuring out hotel accommadations? Gift bags for out of towners? Decoration set up day of? Sounds like your family loves you and is excited for you, so if they can help in any way, let them.

Post # 7
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Unfortunately, people are going to keep asking no matter what you say. Just smile, grit your teeth & say “Thanks so much for offering, but I’m all set with that” and hope that they get the hint. When people make suggestions, I found that saying “I’ll keep that in mind” works better than explaining what you’re already planning on doing. Chances are they won’t agree with what you’re doing anyway, so don’t even bother telling them. As for the guilt trips & criticisms, ignore them! Don’t let them ruin this special time in your life. 

Post # 8
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This is why I don’t share much with my family and why I’m so glad we are paying for everything ourselves. If they don’t like it then there’s the door! Seriously! I don’t know if there is any way possible for you to pay for things yourself because that is half the ‘battle’ right there…the other half is saying, ‘We’ll consider that when planning’ while smiling nicely and then tossing the idea as soon as the conversation is over. lol

Post # 10
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I wish I knew the answer to this. At the moment, I am sticking to the “I am paying for everything so I decide everything line”. However, people keep offering to pay for stuff. I hate this because:

a) If I make a decision they don’t like, it’s a way of trying to get things their own way. For example: I hate Rachel631’s shoes. Hey, Rachel631, I’d love to buy you some shoes as a wedding present!

b) It’s all or nothing. You can’t accept help from one person and not everyone else. That way lies madness.

Perhaps the solution to reganing control is to try and pay for everything? Or has that ship already sailed, so to speak?

Post # 12
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

… The alternative being that they just want a say and the money is just an excuse. If you solve that one, let me know… Wish I could. They probably mean well, but…

Post # 13
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Just say its all done so there’s nothing you need help with. Trust me, it works like a charm 😉

 Provided you’re not going to need help with anything ever…

Post # 15
3265 posts
Sugar bee

“No thank you, Fritz and I have it covered”

Lather, rinse, repeat.



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