(Closed) how do you tell people

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think your best bet is to put black tie affair on your invitations. This way, it will go out to all of the guests, and they will have seen it. You could also do Black Tie optional if you think that some of your family might go too far.

Post # 4
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Are you expecting that everyone wear full length gowns and tuxes?  Or just not jeans?  Perhaps cocktail/semi formal attire?

I would just expect for people to possibly be offended with the “black tie” thing.  I come from a very blue collar family and my cousin just had a wedding where “black tie” was required.  Several members of my family declined as they thought they wouldn’t have anything nice enough to wear.

Post # 6
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Can you have family spread the word?  That’s what my Mom is doing!  You’d be surprised how many people have no idea or just don’t care that you should look nice at a wedding.

Post # 7
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Are you doing a wedding website?

We left the information off the wedding invties, but were explicit about cocktail attire on the site. 

How close are you to FMIL?  Is it possible that you could arrange for her to go shopping with you and your mother for her wedding attire?  If nothing else, just ask her waht she intends to wear and then go from there.

Post # 8
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would recommend including black tie. My guess is that most people will dress below the dress code, so you’ll end up with semi-formal.

Post # 9
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

I understand your quandary. If you come from a family that routinely wears evening dress and understands the niceties of formality, then you already know how insulting, or at least noveau-riche, an invitation can seem to a guest when it presumes to tell them how to dress — something that they had already figured out from the style of the invitation. Of course, your mother and sisters can probably spread the word to your side of the family that you “had” to do this because of the low social standards you are marrying into. But, obviously, they won’t be able to explain that to your fiance’s side of the family — who are the people you should least want to offend.

You see, just because the people you have come in contact with so far dress down, doesn’t mean that everyone you are inviting have that custom. My dear sister-in-law, bless her heart, doesn’t even wear blue-jeans: she wears shapeless home-made trousers that she sews on the same sewing machine she bought as her pride and joy shortly after the end of World War II, and thinks a babushka makes a fine every-day hat. But my brother her ex-husband owns his own dinner jacket, tail-coat, and morning coat, all with appropriate acoutrements (except hats — he thinks top-hats are silly) and dresses appropriately for every occasion. Frankly, I’d like to think I do to, and I do feel offended by (or contemptuous of) invitations that presume to instruct me on the matter, especially when issued by a bride forty years my junior. BUT, if a future in-law had only met my sister-in-law, they might very well be in the same position as you.

I’d recommend following proper form regardless, do your best to influence the situation by chattering happily to your future mother-in-law and other future kinswomen about the beautiful dress your mother is buying and how your brother is getting his tux cleaned and wondering whether to wear his red cumberbund or the midnight blue one and so on, and accepting the inevitable differences in standards that you cannot control as just being part of a large and multicultural society.

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry b/c I know this isn’t helpful, but if I were you I wouldn’t do black tie in the 1st place. You have to be respectful of FI’s family, who you have admitted, don’t walk around in tux’s normally. And I agree wtih hotchild that if you put black tie as the dress code for a wedding and the invitees usually wear jeans to weddings, you might make a lot of people feel bad and not come as they have nothing to wear.

I personally think black tie events (not just weddings) are a little over the top nowadays. What with most companies moving to business casual and cocktail attire becoming ‘formal’, it’s just a little crazy to have a black tie wedding unless you are in office or royalty.

Post # 11
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The correct way to state the attire in the invitation is to have one card for the ceremony invitation and the reception card seperate. The attire is listed only on the reception card, in small letters at the lower left corner of the card.

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

From your original post it sounded like you had decided on black tie. So if you just want people to ‘dress nice’ which is a perfectly acceptable request, I would write on the invitation “Semi Formal Attire” and spread the word gently through whoever in his family you are closest with. Pick his aunt or cousin or someone you’ve had a good conversation with in the past and tell them about your dress code quandry for the wording on the invitation. Say that you chose semi formal b/c suits and cocktail dresses are ok, but you wanted dressier than a sundress and more casual than a tux. Ask this person if you think that is OK with the rest of the family and if he/she can spread the word for you. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m not sure if this will help but if you’re DYI-ing your invitations, then you can print 2 sets… one for your family and one for his (which would include the “black tie/semi-formal attire” blurb

 

 

Post # 16
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Do you have a decent relationship with you FMIL? You could sit down with her and explain that you want the dress code that way and ask her if she could help spread the word to your Fiance side of the family while your mom does it to your side(even if your mom dosen’t at least make it look like they both will. Or you could ask your Fiance to talk to her and spread the word. This way you don’t have to point the finger your just asking her to help spread the word.

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