Post # 1
I am a fairly new member…I’m just frustrated and need to vent…I’ve been having a problem with members of my extended family inviting themselves to my wedding.
We all would get together (most recently at the afterparty of my uncle’s funeral), and someone asks my parents about my sister and I, so my parents mention new happenings in our lives…such as my wedding in July. And then they get a response like “Oh, I’ll be there!” or “Yeah so-and-so told me about it, I’ll be sure to come!” to which my parents just politely nod and smile and leave the conversation.
My fiance and I are on an extremely tight budget. I’m going to school full time and he is the only one working right now, and not even full time at the moment, so we are really pinching our pennies and still managing to have 200 people at our wedding which is an amazing feat on its own. I’ve invited the family members that I am close to…the ones that invited themselves were not invited by me!
So please tell me…how do you politely/tactfully tell someone that they are not coming to your wedding??
Post # 3
Will you see this family member again before the wedding? I was also at a funeral and a cousin who would be invited asked me about the wedding. I gave him some details. Another cousin, mentioned he would be there also but I already knew he wouldn’t be invited. I haven’t seen that other cousin in over a year and just never sent him an invitation. No problem.
Same thing with a friend who I am not close to anymore. He caught me on FB chat saying congrats and then starting talking about the speech he would give. I was on the fence about inviting him but didn’t say anything right then and ultimately did not invite him. Since we aren’t close he hasn’t even realized it’s close to my wedding and he didn’t get invited.
Post # 4
I have the same scenario, especially with coworkers. I am telling them all that it is a small intimate ceremony with only close family members. For family also, I am sure they will all wonder why they aren’t getting an invite, but I am just going to tell them that I can’t afford to invite all of them. It’s not like we do anything other than swap Christmas cards anyway.
Post # 5
I’m with Talishazwi. Just don’t send them an invite. I had a few folks invite themselves to my wedding and that’s what I did. I’m pretty sure they got the message. Since you’re having 200 people at your wedding, I’d steer clear of the “small gathering” speech.
Post # 6
I have been having the same issue. I have some distant family members who have been very vocal about how “They can’t wait for the big day” or are “So excited to see my dress.” We are also on a budget for this and honestly I don’t really care if they are there or not. I only want the people there that are close to my fiancé and I, not all of these people that we don’t really even like.
We are just planning on not sending an invitation. If they ask about it later we will just say “Because we have a limited budget we had to limit our guest list to just immediate family and close friends. I hope you understand.”
I know that at least one/family of these people won’t understand, but we just don’t want their drama on our wedding day. We figure if they don’t understand then they really don’t care about us anyway that just amplifies how much we don’t want them there. Plus if we invited them then they would want to bring their kids and we aren’t inviting kids AND then we would have to invite their brothers and sisters. It just opens the flood gate and we aren’t going there. Sorry for my rant! As you can see this topic gets me going.
Post # 7
this seems to be pretty common I have a bunch of people that are like am I inited or i am invited right? and i don’t know how to tell them that I don’t feel like we are close enough for me to have them there. I am trying to keep my list as short as possible!
Post # 8
I have to disagree with the girls who said just don’t send them an invite. They have made it clear that they are expecting an invitation and they know when the wedding is. It was completely out of line for them to annouce that they expected an invitation but at this point you know that they do. They may be making plans around attending your wedding… It would suck for them to not find out until just before that they didn’t get invited. Especially since your parents’ “Smile and Nod” certainly implied that they would be getting invited as expected.
Also.. you are going to have to come up with some creative wording to let you know. You can’t exactly blame space and budget constraints when you are inviting 200 guests and they didn’t make the cut.
Post # 9
@Moose1209:You are right there. If the people who invited themselves to my wedding knew any exact details then yes, I would have to either extend the invitation or tell them they weren’t invited. In my case though, they didn’t know the exact date or where. They are also local so wouldn’t be making any travel plans.
Post # 10
Are you going to see these relatives before your wedding? If not, I don’t think its a problem. Its a little weird to call someone up and tell them they’re not invited to your wedding. Otherwise, I guess just be honest? “We’ve had to cut back on the gues list more than we want to because of money” (ok, maybe thats not honest, but you get the idea 🙂
Post # 11
Thanks for the advice, Bees!
Before that particular time, I haven’t seen those cousins in years, but we’re just getting in contact with them again through FB, etc.
I don’t think I will send an invite, but I did let my parents & sister know that I need their support on this too. So if someone asks why they weren’t invited, they can just say that we couldn’t invite everyone we had wanted to due to budget constraints.
I am totally all for sticking to our budget, but I feel bad because I know my parents will be questioned and complained to.
Post # 12
i just laugh and say “we are having a VERY small wedding, so unfortunately we won’t be able to have everyone we would like”. And let them draw their own conclusion from that.
I actually had someone i haven’t seen in over 20 years tell me she had “better” be invited..and this was the approach I took.
Post # 13
@menobride: I’ve had that said to me, too.