How do you tell your husband and his family no to the next family trip

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
10002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Well you tried it twice, so his saying suck it up is way out of line. I do understand, l’d rather amputate my pinkie toes than go to Disney world/land whatever.

That said, you would not have endeared yourself to them on the gall bladder/ phoning home trip……

Anyway, as far as l can see it, there is only one thing to do, and that is to say politely but firmly that you will not be going with them next time. Tell them honestly that Disney is not your thing and they will enjoy themselves fine without you. Do not engage in rationalisations, protestations ,arguments or excessive apologies. That goes for with your fi too. Be pleasant but adamant. 

They can only make it a big deal if you engage. Well, a bigger deal that is, obviously they have got some sort of arrested development thing happening over Disney lol. 

He may grow out of it quicker of it if you don’t go too. 

 

 

View original reply
bfree87 :  

Post # 3
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Ugh I would never want to go there either. Went once as a little kid and I’m sure it was fun but nooooo thank you as an adult. My daughter’s dad and grandma took her so she still got to go but I didn’t have to be a part of it. Just saying I feel you on that. Anyway I’d just tell your husband straight up that you don’t have any interest in Disney World or rooming with Mother-In-Law and he can tell his parents. If they judge you for not liking Disney, honestly they are the weirdos so screw them. And your husband should stop and realize that going to Disney with your family every year as a grown adult is a bit odd. Not to mention using his vacation time for it. And then maybe he’ll stop going too and you guys can use your vacation time for something more fun. 

Post # 4
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

Ahhh me too, girl. I wasn’t into Disney as a kid and I am not into it now. I agree with the previous posters – just be honest. You can do it without being rude. Alternatively, just say “no thank you”. No reason to give them some explanation. Go on your own cool vacation! And tell your husband to knock it off with the “suck it up” crap… that’s downright ridiculous and disrespectful. I hope that’s an isolated thing and not reflective of his regard (or lack thereof) for you. 

Post # 5
Bee
344 posts
Helper bee

Some BG: I have an annual pass to Disneyland (I live 30 minutes away) and go quite often. My closest friends are Imagineers/work for the company, specifically in the theme park division. My family was sort of like your ILs growing up. Us being from California, we don’t get out to Disney World as often anymore, but used to go a lot from the time I was in late elementary through high school, as my dad had work in Florida. I’d say I’m about as close to a Disney kid as you can get.

All that being said, your ILs (and, frankly, your husband) are way, way out of line. Disney trips seem to be the symptom of a much large looming issue of a boundary-stomping mommy who cannot let your adult kids go/have their own lives. I just put this on someone else thread yesterday, but I cannot recommend Googling DWIL Nation (a section of the Baby Center website, but not specifically having to do with babies) enough. DWIL (Dealing With the In-Laws) is incredibly helpful (book/article recs, threads with personal stories, the whole nine yards) and it has really aided me in seeing some of my personal relationships more clearly, understanding toxic behavior, and taking appropriate action in setting firm boundaries. It sounds like you might really benefit from giving it a look.

Post # 6
Member
7707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

As you probably expected to happen at some point during this discussion, I don’t think this is an IL issue; it’s a Dh issue. I suppose if your Dh has enough vacation time and additional funds to accommodate both his family and you in terms of vacations every year, then so be it. But if not, I would not tolerate my Dh choosing to travel with his family to a place he’s been a million times instead of going with me somewhere we had never been. But you are well within your rights to say that you have tried it and it isn’t your thing, and that you won’t be spending your vacation time on that trip. And then TELL HIM that you don’t care if he goes, provided he had the week or two weeks to spend with you when you can vacation together.

If he doesn’t see the value in the two of you choosing your vacation together instead of automatically going with his mum, then there are bigger issues the two of you need to work out.

Post # 7
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I would be so annoyed over this, honestly in the dating phase this might have been a deal breaker for me…. I don’t do momma boys. I firmly believe when you get married that becomes your family and I find adult family trips to be very odd. Especially to Disney (which I super don’t get the appeal of either).

DH needs to grow up and tell his family no for you, and then start weaning himself into family vacations with his wife.

bonus, the in-laws can take future kids (if you have them) and you can avoid the torture! 

Post # 8
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

Haha. I love Disney. Luckily, so does my FH. 

But that’s beside the point.

Here’s how you say no:

”No.”

Seriously. It doesn’t require anything more than that. 

Why not just tell him go, enjoy your trip,

and tell him you’ll be happily doing what you need to do at home or go on a retreat yourself? 

Post # 9
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

View original reply
bfree87 :  Personally I think it’s odd that a 33 year old grown married man is going to Disney World every year with mommy. I would be extremely put off if my DH chose to use his vacation time going on a vacation with mommy to a place I hated instead of going somewhere with his wife. Like others have said I think this is more of a DH issue than a Mother-In-Law issue. I would talk to him about setting appropriate boundaries.  

Post # 10
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Just tell them “no,” you’re not going. I’m ok with going to Disney once every 10 years or so, but I certainly wouldn’t want to use my precious annual leave every year to spend a week there. 

Your husband should be more supportive of your needs. Your Mother-In-Law is a piece of work. The last time I went to Disney World it was with an overbearing family member who wanted to make sure that we experienced every thing at the park. It was exhausting!! I got sick on the trip and needed a week to recover from it all. 

Your husband can go if he wants, but it is important that you and he go on a trip each year that is just the two of you. It’s important to your relationship to have that time together. 

Post # 11
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

He’s telling you to suck it up to make them happy? You’ve got a massive, massive husband problem.  When you got married, did he vow to put you first, oh except for his mommy and siblings? Somehow I doubt it.  You are his nuclear family, he needs to be putting YOU first.  Ask him why his family’s happiness is so much more important than yours, his WIFE.

Post # 12
Member
3868 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Just tell him you won’t be going to Disney anymore. He’s free to keep going, but you aren’t obligated to spend a week in Disney every year just because he wants to go. You went, you saw, you’re over it. He doesn’t get to demand that you vacation with his mommy every year and you certainly don’t need to suck it up.

I’ve also been on a trip with overbearing family members and it was the first and last time my family vacationed with them. They were annoying, inconsiderate, and pushy, and they got all bent out of shape about my families “lack of cooperation”. It’s not worth the headache.

Post # 13
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I can understand not wanting to go every year especially if you have limited leave. However, it sounds like your husband loves it as well. It also doesn’t sound like you’ve given it a real chance. I get that you were ill and had stuff going on and that’s understandable but it also sounds like you went into it with a negative attitude.

Obviously you don’t have a great relationship with your husbands family but you also come across a bit judgy. It sounds to me like you think less of them for loving Disney and choosing to go there instead of “expanding their minds”. 

I would tell your husband you don’t want to go every year and if he has limited leave that you would like him to start limiting trips so he can go to new destinations with you. However, I also think you should consider revisiting with them even just for a few days to make the effort for your husband if it is something he really loves. If you do revisit I would put your foot down in not sticking to their agenda and having time alone with your husband. 

Post # 14
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with you 100% Disney is not where I would want to spend my vacation, especially yesr after year. But it sounds like it’s important to your husband and his famy (who are your family too. Can you go 2-3 days and save the rest of your leave and money for a vacation for just the two of you? We try to compromise between trips with our family that we wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves and trips just with ourselves. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Is it possible to compromise? For example, join them over the weekend rather than the full week? 

Also, there are some places I liked more than others at Disney. Are there any places you might like? For example, I didn’t like Magic Kingdom, but did enjoy Animal Kingdom. Also LOVED the Kennedy Space centre, have you been there?

As a Harry Potter fan, I also much preferred Universal Studios to the Disney parks. 

Water Park?

Could you agree to spend a day doing something else in Florida that isn’t Disney? There’s lots of nature around. Or any historical sites?

I do empathise. Disney was fun once, but I wouldn’t want to go every year. 

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