(Closed) How do you tell your bridesmaid….

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
9100 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

If you insist, you pay. I saw earlier you wanted to “compensate” your bridesmaid. If this means paying her back — No. You pay for it up front with your own money. If she still doesn’t want it, you need to deal with it. Your bridesmaid not wanting to have her makeup done or not fly out on your schedule does not mean she doesn’t feel your wedding is important or that she doesn’t care — Your wedding isn’t the center of the universe. People have their own ambitions, lives and shit to do. I completely understand you want everyone to look nice on your wedding day, but realistically, this is something that either goes according to plan, or you just need to let it go like dust in the wind. It’s not a hill worth dying over, it’s not worth the stress and it’s not worth potentially damaging a friendship because you tell someone they “NEED” makeup.

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Post # 47
2554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Qookii:  If you’re paying you can require it.  That wasn’t clear to me in your original post so maybe it wasn’t clear to your Maid/Matron of Honor.  Tell her it’s part of your gift to the girls and you want them all to have it done together.

Post # 48
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

OP I know some will not be cool with what I’m about to say…  But, I feel like its your wedding and you should be the one to call the shots.  If you want her to have make up done then she should do it.  Who cares what makes her comfortable.  Its your money in question and its your party.  And I do get that your hurt that this girl is obviously spending money on other things and not visiting you.  That would honestly hurt my feelings too.  In a perfect world things would happen like in the movies and everyone would be totally excited over our weddings.  And women would not hear dead silence when they showed their friends their engagement rings.  And everyone would be totally excited to come to the bridal ahower amoung other things.

If the girl honestly does not want her make up done you can’t force her.  It is what it is.  But, I do get it.  You want her to look a certain way after you spent all the time, effort and money on dresses, details, etc.  Its difficult…  It may be best to take a step back.  Maybe you should talk to this girl and find out how she feels about being in your wedding.  Find out if she is still feeling it.  And you have come across just a little harsh with people who have not seen things your way on this post.  Maybe thats an issue with the Maid/Matron of Honor being forthcoming with you?  All you can do is find out if she is still interested in being in the wedding.  People change their minds on things.  And its been said one million times here…  But, whats important to you may not be important to her.

Post # 49
6 posts

Oh my gosh! I feel so bad that your Maid/Matron of Honor isnt doing her duties… As a bridesmaid or a friend. As a recent Maid/Matron of Honor, if my bride were feeling this way, I would want her to tell me. Maybe concentrate on the fact that you’re feeling overwhelmed and you could really use some bride and Maid/Matron of Honor time. Ask her specifically, to come for something like your final dress fitting. just tell her that you’re feeling like she isn’t enjoying her role, and maybe ask if something is wrong. She could feel like you’re being distant, or that you don’t really want her there! As far as the hair and make up go I would probably say something like, “I would really love it if we could get our hair and makeup done together. It would make for some cute pictures, and it will help calm me down and relax me!” Maybe offer to cover some of the price, or tip? And make sure you ask her what she is thinking about doing for hair and makeup. If she is really insistent on doing both on her own, maybe go with her to a place that will teach her how to apply makeup for he look she’s going for! Sephora does it here, and you just have to buy one of the items, I think. Best of luck!! but I really hope you choose to tell her how you feel!! 

Post # 50
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Qookii:  Sorry, must have misunderstood you. No need to get mad.

Post # 51
4244 posts
Honey bee

chica95110:  Really, who cares if your bridesmaids are comfortable, as long as they do what you want? Sorry, but these are supposed to be your friends, the few people you want standing up with you on one of the happiest days of your life. Why would you ever not care if they are uncomfortable? I get that everyone has a vision and obviously as a bride you will dictate their appearance to a certain extent, but come on.

“It’s my party” only works as an excuse to get your own way when you’re 5 years old, and if you’re getting married, I can presume you are an adult and not a child. If you want people who will look a certain way on your wedding but don’t really care how they feel about it or want any of their input on their own appearance, I would suggest just hiring some stand ins instead. That way, if they don’t do what you want, you just don’t pay them!

Post # 52
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Qookii:  I stated that I had make up done for a wedding … not my wedding.  I was a bridesmaid and bridesmaids don’t get to have make up trials.  And, what do you do when (a) the bride told the MUA exactly what she wanted because she thought that the raccoon look was fabulous and (b) you’re not the one paying to look like the damn racoon and the bride is.  Not my circus, so I had no say in what my make up looked like even though I totally voiced what I wanted to the MUA.  The MUA said that the bride had other ideas. 

And, honestly, why do you think it’s your business how this woman spends her leisure time and her money?  She earned it, she gets to spend it however she sees fit. 

One thing I have learned during my time on these boards is that nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do.  People aren’t going to go as bat shit crazy as you are over your wedding.  People have their own lives and aren’t swept up in your one day as much as you are.  Other people’s lives aren’t going to stop so they can focus all their attention and dedicate tons of their time on your wedding needs. 

Post # 53
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Qookii:  Contrary to a lot of posters, I think it’s fine to dictate hair and makeup, so long as you’re paying. My opinion is that you only get a Bridesmaid or Best Man for one day, but you do get her for that day. So anything that affects her look for that day only is fair game – at the bride’s expense – so long as it’s not too uncomfortable or too embarassing; and it can all be undone at the end of the day.

How would I do it? I would tell her: “We’re meeting at my place at 10 am to get ready. I’ve organised a hairdresser and MUA. I’m paying of course. All you need to do is be there“.

Post # 54
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

ClaudiaKishi:  Hey, hey now…  I have a right to my opinion just as you have a right to yours.  Now the OP may be dropping a lot of money for this wedding party.  And YES I do feel if she wants everyone to wear make-up or whatever that YES they shoud do it.  This goes especially so if the OP is paying.  And YES I did say who cares how the maid of honor feels.  Brides spend a hug amount of money on her vision of what she wants her wedding to ‘look like.’  Part of the ‘looks’ of a wedding are the main people in it like the wedding party.  People in general don’t want everyone with a pink dress on then have the Maid/Matron of Honor wearing a black sequined goth gown.  Just an example, but you get my point…

 I’ll bet the OP is spending a good amount of money on photos.  And I’ll bet it has crossed the OP’s mind that she wants the make up done on all the girls so when she looks back on her images everyone looks pretty and ‘put together.’  I realize there is a backlash to this thought process these days because maybe to much emphasis is put on these things these days.  So, I get chastised for being the devils advocate?  Lets not kill the messenger.  I’m simply stating what many others think but may not want to say out loud.


Post # 55
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

chica95110:  So, you express the–oh, how shall I put this charitably, uh, provocative–opinion that the bride should disregard the feelings of her ostensible close friends in the wedding because HER LOOK AND HER PHOTOS AND HER AESTHETIC VISION! and when ClaudiaKishi: very reasonably asks you to elaborate and gives you a bit of push-back you accuse her of attemping to kill the messenger and accuse her of denying you a right to your opinion?

And if I knew that someone who claimed to be a dear friend would consider me to be so ugly that I would ruin her photos if I didn’t do what she wanted (I mean, what if she was one of these souls who incorrectly believes that people who are tanned to the point of looking like orange leather couches are beautiful, while I maintain pale skin BECAUSE OF THE HISTORY OF SKIN CANCER IN MY FAMILY?) in terms of my hair and make-up, that would be curtains on the friendship.  She could find someone else to wear the dress.

Post # 57
4244 posts
Honey bee

MarriedToMyWork:  Yes, thank you! I don’t understand this “I have a right to my oopinion!!1!!” stuff when anyone posts an opposing viewpoint- of course everyone is allowed to state their opinion. And I’m allowed to question it.

chica95110:  I understand how bridal parties work. I even said that of course, a bride will have some control over how her party looks, but hair and makeup are a lot more individual than a dress. I think its crappy that a) The OP insists that this girl NEEDS her makeup professionally done, or else she won’t look good enough b) The insistance that if a bride pays, she can do whatever she wants.

If I was in a wedding and the bride offered me professional makeup service, I would politely decline. I don’t like anyone doing my makeup but me. At the end of the day, it’s my face and I want to be comfortable. I would hope that most reasonable people would want their friends to be comfortable too.

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